::
2004 22 November :: 12.34 am
:: Mood: . sleepy .
:: Music: . three days grace . wake up.
. i need a navigator or i just might drive in circles forever .
anytime i feel like i'm getting somewhere, something happens that makes me question everything. and i'm back to square one. and the sudden onset of sarah-and-nicole-but-not-emily-ness is definitely not helping any. i feel like i have no one. well, there's always marcus, but that's another ridiculous entry in itself...
hardly breathing on my own
don't have the words to say to you...
in time i'll know enough to know better
. the december drive . this side you've never seen .
god i love that song. it is the story of my life. highly recommend downloading it off of their website.
i moved out 3 months ago, and i've been 18 for a month. why don't i feel any different? i still go home almost every weekend, and i still think about my parents when i make more than half of my daily decisions and all of my major ones. am i the only adult who feels more and more like a child every day?
this whole thing with marcus is just tieing me up in circles. seriously- why can't i just choose yes or no? we've been on a break for a full 3 weeks... and i still see him 1-3 days a week. he still sleeps in my bed, and he's coming to the g.parents' for thanksgiving. he is such a comfort and i need him in my life, but at the same time, i am always searching for independence. i keep a definite lookout for guys to distract myself with. i'm hoping for a couple good flings before the end of the semester ;)
and i thought high school was for "finding yourself" or whatever that bullshit theme of adolescence is. man, senior year, i had it all worked out. i was going places, with or without a solid friend base. now... i just suck. i don't quite fit in with my ultra-liberal slacker friends, but i don't feel comfortable with katherine and lindsey and all of those pretty, typical college girls. i don't think there is a place for me in life.
pull the trigger and the nightmare stops
. coheed and cambria . three evils .
what did i ever do to deserve such perpetual disappointment?
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2004 19 October :: 12.34 am
:: Mood: . weepy .
:: Music: . wallflowers . bleeders. (that's right, old-schooling it up)
. first real letter home to mommy .
i feel like a big kid now. i just wrote my first real letter (err, email) to mom. like, about real stuff. i have never really told her anything of my real life.
"It's been really really tough for me the past couple weeks. I really hate MC201: it's my lowest grade, most boring/difficult class, and the most time-consuming, by far. I keep thinking that it's just a bad week and that the next one will be fine, and then I can get back to handling situations the way I should and want to. But in reality, each week just gets worse. It sucks to know in the back of my mind that the only real reason I'm in Madison is in case I decide to go to law school (which I really don't know if I'll do or not.) It's extremely difficult for me to know that I would be pulling an easy 4.0 in any other program. It's even harder to have suitemates who are in that position (and whom I hang out with a lot.)
I've been overwhelmingly disappointed in just about everything (except the 4.0 I got on my Spanish paper today.) I feel like the whole world is out to drag me down; I just can't win."
should be interesting to see how she responds to it...
that's pretty honest between me and her. i'd never be able to say that to her in person. probably because i'm the biggest crier on the face of the earth, and tonight just proved that sickeningly true. maybe i'll get my tear ducts removed when i'm some hotshot lawyer. that'd be pimp. no more teary breakdowns at completely inappropriate times. dulce.
i'm due for a miracle
i'm waiting for a sign
i'll stare straight into the sun
and i won't close my eyes
'till i understand or go blind
. thrice . stare at the sun .
god, i can't believe it's only monday.
go ahead. do it. |
::
2004 13 October :: 2.29 pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: acoustic-ness
. yup, worst day of my life... two days in a row.
all those things left undiscovered
leave me empty and left to wonder
i need you, i need you, yea...
there's a million reasons why i cry
hold my covers tight and close my eyes
cause i don't want to be alone
. undiscovered . ashlee simpson .
words just aren't coming easily anymore.
who decided i just wasn't cut out for the life i want to live? who decided i was supposed to deteriorate like this? who decided i would spent my days sitting in the lounge, crying on the phone?
high school was so sheltered. i wasn't the smartest, the most athletic. i wasn't the prettiest, the most popular. i wasn't the richest, the most respected.
but i was somebody. i had a name.
here, i'm just another anonymous face in the crowd. on my way to classes, i see faces i will never see again in my four years on campus. i don't even recognize people in my econ class of 40 students.
no one knows my name. no one knows me.
no one loves me.
back in high school, not a single person dropped out in my grade until senior year... and none of those 4 people dropped out... they were kicked out.
here... people drop out more often than i shower. (and i shower twice a day most days.) there have been 2 girls from my floor who dropped out, katherine's pre-med-genius friend... a handful from the james madison freshman class. i don't think i can handle the stench of failure on this campus. (or is that just beer and puke?) jesus christ - i live on the honors floor, why are these people dropping out? with each name i hear of people who have dropped out, i keep thinking to myself: "that could be me... why isn't that me? that should be me."
i've gone home twice in the past 4 days... each time i go home, i get smacked with reality. everyone expects the most out of me. i was the anal-retentive type-A overachiever in grade school and high school. my siblings didn't emerge until college. therefore, i should bypass them.
and i want to. dammit, i want to graduate with high honor from the honors college and james madison college. i want a masters in social work and a law degree from nothing less than notre dame or u of m. i want to study abroad as many times as i (and my parents) can afford.
but i can't.
every day that is engraved deeper and deeper into my mind.
i think every week is just a tough week.. it will get better.
it doesn't.
will i ever escape this horrible, horrible place?
and who actually gets the flu from the flu shot? seriously, now. anyone want a semi-infected, gently-worn body? sell, lease, or trade. cash and paypal gladly accepted.
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2004 8 October :: 10.57 pm
:: Mood: . detached .
:: Music: . sugarcult . memory (acoustic) .
. god, why can't this election just be over with already? .
life here in james madison college is crazy with all of this campaigning going on. it's like.. who the hell thought it'd be a good idea to shove all of the pre-law, pre-politician students into one dorm? it makes me sick.
i'm caught between: most of my friends are crazy-liberals, but the awesome people in students for life so crazy-conservatives. sure, i'm pretty liberal, but once that sore spot comes up in a heated political debate (which is everything here in madison), i can't even look at the person without feeling hatred for their selfish and short-term views.
my advice, kiddies:
don't ever attempt to be a pro-life democrat.
people don't understand what it means to be compassionate anymore.
this week sucked. today sucked even more. except that i spent the morning in lisa's 1st grade classroom over at red cedar school. god, i love those children. i want to scoop them all up and bring them back to my dorm with me. they'd be the best roomies ever.
oh, speaking of roomies, i'm getting a new one as of sunday. girls had problems on our floor, so i offered up my roomie for a switch. i'm so nice :)
sitting here, listening to old-school, chill-out third eye blind makes me really think...
i really hate it here. not here as in michigan, msu, james madison.... here as in on earth, in my body. i hate it here. all i want is to curl up in a ball in my bed and never, ever, ever see the light of day again. everytime i lie down, i try to stay conscious as long as possible before i fall asleep because there's a little part of me that hopes it will be the last few shocks shooting across my brain.
maybe i should drop out and move to california. clearly, coming here wasn't enough of a fresh start. i see my past every day, i think about it every minute. the ghosts won't move on.
i don't even know what to do with myself anymore.
go ahead. do it. |
::
2004 20 September :: 1.56 am
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: incubus, avril, and third eye blind
well, i'm all grown up now, kiddies
yay msu.
i suppose.
yesterday and today are just those kinda days where nothing goes your way. and i wasted them both away. not being wasted. and not enjoying them. double-waste.
my roommate creeps the hell out of me and every other person who spends more than 2 seconds with her. she needs to stop setting her alarm for the buttcrack of dawn when she doesn't have class until 1130 and sitting around staring at the wall and/or me.
all i want is a day off. a real day off. all to myself. so i can catch up on homework and sleep, get in a good workout. do something with my life.
sarah suitemate and i were wandering around the floor looking for alliy tonight when we walked past the bulletin board. a flyer caught my eye and so i went up to look at it. she flipped out. "god, emily, aren't you already in a billion things?" "well.. yea.. but i feel like i'm not doing enough. i never feel like i am."
stupid bitches. i thought that feeling of worthlessness was supposed to go away once i graduated and became a real person? apparently not. now i'm suffering consequences.
the suckers lose themselves in the games they love to play
children love to sing but then their voices slowly fade away
. third eye blind . i want you .
speaking of "i want you" ... i want marcus to give me some space. i never thought i'd be saying that when i only see the kid a day or two a week... but he just doesn't listen to me anymore. katherine's best friend just got engaged (that's right, she's 19 and she dropped out of her freshman year in college already to get married). so we were chatting about marriage. her and lindsey say marcus is a marriable type and to hold onto him. but what if he is not marriable to me? and why do i even give in to his tears of loneliness? where was he when i was broken-hearted? oh, that's right - sucking face with my best friend. why should i care that he is all alone back home? do i not deserve to go out and not have to think about his pathetic butt sitting at home on the computer?
i want space. from everyone. and everything.
i just want to run my own thing for once in my life.
but the damned overachiever tendancies push through my well-crafted shell. and i'm stuck being everyone's bitch again.. all over again...
please, god. please don't let this be a repeat of last year...
2 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2004 5 August :: 12.48 am
:: Mood: introverted
:: Music: seether and amy lee . broken
. a joyous post to refresh my lone reader .
this is making me crazy
these black clouds follow me...
i'll return to my shelter
and i'll crawl in a puddle
i'm losing my will for this
so over-emotional
papa roach . black clouds
except i can't just curl up in a ball in bed permanently, as much as i want to. i have to work. 40+ hours a week. stupid bitches. i have to put on a happy face and deal with the shit and 11-hour-sun-and-children-filled days.
i feel like shit.
in a nutshell, that is.
i try to go out and attempt to be social, do normal things.... makes me feel even worse about myself. i hate people. i wonder if they ever realize how much they make me hate myself. i want to pull out my hair.
those girls make me feel unworthy, intimidated. but wait, this is emily-fricken-casari we're talking about, here. this can't be. emily is so outgoing and giggly and open.
but there's a catch- i feel like two different people in one body. i'm not faking my outgoing-ness, nor my silent awkwardness. how does it work that i can feel uber-important and confident in select situations, and in others, i feel tiny as a gnat? if only my wings would work to fly me away from these thoughts, instead of only allowing me to hover annoyingly around rotten situations...
this party is old and uninviting
participants all in black and white...
if only the lights would dim a little
i'm weary of eyes upon my scars
incubus . here in my room
college should be interesting. 3 weeks exactly to move-in.
i am such a worthless failure wasting space and oxygen on this earth.
go ahead. do it. |
::
2004 18 July :: 10.12 pm
just wanted to say hi. and i'm still alive.
this update brought to you by my oh-so-pretty brand-spanking-new mac powerbook g4. :)
go ahead. do it. |
::
2004 3 June :: 6.25 pm
. silliness that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside .
i can't help that i love lucass and i'm going to miss him ridiculously next year.
oh hear you me: i dont think u need to chill out
mle3 102: really?
oh hear you me: i think ur unbelievable drive to always do better is one of your better traits
mle3 102: why thank you, lucass.
mle3 102: no one has ever told me it was a good thing before.
mle3 102: mr young called me obsessive-compulsive today for it lol
oh hear you me: it can lead to stress and stuff, but at its core its a great gift u have
oh hear you me: plus ur so hawt
mle3 102: haha.
mle3 102: yea, that's the best gift i have
mle3 102: except not at all lol
oh hear you me: na ur pretty
go ahead. do it. |
::
2004 26 May :: 9.34 am
:: Mood: . frozen .
:: Music: . avril . don't tell me .
. this sucks .
hah, creative/descriptive title, huh?
so i'm done with school. but we get our yearbooks at our luncheon on friday. and we dont graduate until june 6th. stupidness.
but between now and then, i'm stuck attempting to scrapbook 3 trips. grr. why didn't i do this years ago?
went to chicago on monday with marcus... it was my graduation present from him. that sucked: between the trains coming in late, taxi problems, etc. we were in chicago for less than 6 hours... but on the freezing-cold trains for more than 9. i really wanted to go shopping for a long time... uh, i got to go to 2 stores: h&m and urban outfitters. worked out ok i guess, but i was still way bummed.
i don't know... i've become obsessed with shopping and buying new outfits lately... i've probably spent $350 on new clothes in the past 4 days. good thing nearly none of it was my own ;). it sounds so silly... but i feel like cady from mean girls. haha. anyways...
it's gonna burn for me to say this...
but we done been fell apart...
tell me why i should stay in this relationship
when i'm hurting, baby, i ain't happy, baby...
i'm twisted cuz one side of me is telliin' me that i need to move on
on the other side i wanna break down and cry
. usher . burn .
marcus. marcus. marcus. we've nearly broken up twice in the past month. and i can't stop thinking about it. every time we're together, it seems to get more and more miserable. i hate him so much. but i'm so scared. i keep thinking if i hold out, i'll get over this, and somehow we'll forget that i'm going away to school until the day of (when everything will come crashing down.) but i'm not as stupid as i would like...
so tell me: is it better to stick out the bad times because everyone goes through them, or throw in the towel once major difficulties arise because obviously it would feel right if it was meant to be?
grr. i wish i was free of him and at msu right now. none of this anticipation shit.
2 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2004 10 May :: 10.15 pm
:: Mood: . calm after the storm .
:: Music: . black eyed peas . hey mama .
"looks like somebody's got a case of the mondays"
-office space
today was definitely not a fun day. stupidness.
especially because i'm retarded and fucked myself over more than once.
and then marcus and i spent a full 3 hours on the phone. when i needed to be doing other things. but i guess we worked it out... talked ourselves out of calling it quits, even though we both know what august will bring...
and i feel better.
kind of.
i need to get through this week though. most definitely need to get through this week. too much going on - i'm going to go nuts. especially because i think i'm going to fail both ap tests this week... poopey.
i guess the best part of tonight.. is all of a sudden, it just hit me:
maybe i'm better off than i thought.
maybe i'm stronger than i thought.
maybe i really don't need any of them.
and i definitely don't need them bringing me down.
and i won't let them tear me down anymore.
maybe i'm nuts, but i'm empowered.
dangerous combination. better watch out ;)
go ahead. do it. |
::
2004 27 April :: 9.44 pm
i hate myself.
go ahead. do it. |
::
2004 27 April :: 9.06 pm
:: Mood: . worn out .
:: Music: . the december drive . this side you've never seen .
. every day is a winding road and all i want to do is hitchhike for once instead of always driving the bus .
yes, i have a mastermind for metaphors, as craftfully demonstrated in the above title. and yes, i do realize that i'm a moron.
*sigh*
everyone and everything is getting to me lately. i mean... like major bipolar-ish mood swings. i have been fricken jumping around the house and bouncing through the halls five minutes after/before i can barely hold in the tears. and when i say tears, i mean like i started bawling in the orthodontist appt yesterday when they tell me, a 17 year old going away to college in four months, that i need to get some braces put back on and have surgery again, because apparently 1 retainer and 3 years of braces and 10+ pulled teeth and oral surgery to uncover 2 teeth just wasnt enough. (one of my teeth still hasnt come in yet) AHHHHHH. the last thing i want to do is start out college the same way i spent more than half of high school: with shards of metal in my fucking mouth.
anyways.
two things keep resurfacing in my mind: i need professional help more than ever, and the conversation i had with the priest a couple months ago when he said its okay to be angry at people.
1.) i don't think anyone could help me through the pschyosis that is me
2.) its my fault i'm angry. not theirs. and yet, i find myself more and more demanding... as if it is all their fault
"and in time ill know enough to know better. just scream out loud."
(the december drive)
i don't think i can handle living this way much longer. every day, i get more extreme. prime example: my english teacher this year is a crazy bitch. we all hope she dies. i work my ass off and get an A- 3rd quarter. i don't know where my 4th quarter grade will end up, but i know right now that i'll kick butt on an exam, and i am dead set on taking one, even though everyone is exempt. i ask in the middle of class and everyone rips on me for about 10 minutes when i'm being honest. they say an A- rocks. i say it's terrible. i cannot live with myself knowing that i could have raised it. so what if my college doesn't care what i get this last semester? i do, and dammit, i will not settle for a fucking A-.
i'm going nuts. if these tendancies keep up, by the time i hit campus in august, i will be the worst anal roomie, not to mention overly obsessive-complusive.
i think i'm just with marcus because he puts up with my shit.
this is going nowhere because i find it increasingly difficult to express myself.
because no one understands.
and no one cares.
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2004 25 April :: 7.28 pm
:: Mood: . detached .
:: Music: . computer fan humming .
. kind of amusing how a month and a half later, and that last entry still basically applies .
i'm busy as all-get-out (whatever that overused phrase is supposed to mean), but other than that... the whole detached and depressed thing is overwhelmingly still present. in fact, it is growing. at an exponentially increasing rate.
i'm basically going nuts.
and that's never a good thing. but i don't know... i play this little game with marcus.. where i call him when i feel poopy, thinking that connecting to him over a cell phone is going to make me feel less alone and *poof* magically he'll want me to confess it all and *poof* magically i'll want to dump it all. and then everything will be happy again.
alas, this is never so.
instead, these conversations include lots of silence, "so...", and "hi." he's told me before how easy it is to tell my mood by my voice...
so why doesn't he ever ask how i'm doing? how i feel?
or even, why the hell i am so dissatisfied, ashamed, and depressed all of the time? especially when so many people would love to be in the academic and extracuricular positions that i am in, him included.
why?
i don't know. and so often, it's this lack of interrogation or interest/curiosity that drives me up the wall. i call because i want to talk. i want you to want me to talk. but you never do. you just sit there like the lump on a log that you are, presuming that it's okay to waste minutes on silence.
and how i wish i could throw you away. if i hadn't thrown away my entire life outside of you, school, and work/volunteering/extracuriccular-stuff, i would be able to.
but, alas, i have nothing. therefore i have nothing to thrown away.
don't waste your time
you won't find anything - or were you sent to save me?
i've thought too much
you won't find anything worthy of redeeming
. afi . the leaving song part 2 .
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it. |
::
2004 16 March :: 8.46 pm
:: Mood: . poopy .
:: Music: . goo goo dolls .
. here goes the rambling .
and i cant hide from the truth any longer. i am eternally dissatisfied with my life, and no matter how many events and naps i stuff into it, i will remain wholly dissatisfied.
the fact that i stuffed my free time with yearbook corrections and studiousness and teaching gymnastics and running errands means nothing. because in the end, it was just that:
stuffing emptiness.
- for a brief analytical look at that oxymoron, AP-english-style, consider my use of a violent verb such as stuff combined with a flat word such as emptiness. the simplicity of the syntax reveals the author's apparent lack of emotion and overwhelming detachment from the situation at hand.
(sorry to those of you who have not experienced AP english... that just went over your head) -
and now that things have slowed down without my consent... well ive resorted to another type of stuffing. its called have-a-snack-then-veg-then-have-a-snack-then-nap-and-repeat. ok ok ok, so this food-tv obsession was rekindled when i had to take that crash-course steroid shit for my asthma all last week (eating 4 times a day and not being able to breathe killed my otherwise-somewhat-successful diet). but now nothing is helping. nothing is numbing that horrible sense of impending doom.
ok, on a more uplifting note.. i went to reconciliation today at school for the first time since grade school. i broke that 4-year confession-less streak. to admit that i have an anger/bitterness problem. and the priest basically told me that my anger is not my fault - it is everyone else's fault for metaphorically stepping on my toes. therefore, i can be as angry as i want to. wtf? way to not help me at all with the biggest challenge in my current state of life.
but the way im living isn't living at all. i don't know what it is classified as, but whatever it is, i want nothing to do with this level of so-called existance. so fuck this world...
and in the words of my beloved johnny rzeznik:
"hold on, dream away..."
go ahead. do it. |
::
2004 15 March :: 10.05 pm
:: Mood: . poopy .
:: Music: . alkaline trio .
alone tonight in somebody's bed
she gone and dyed her hair red
. the wallflowers . three marlenas .
well hello again, my dear woohu. sad how i resort to this thing, but i guess it's better than brooding, huh?
so ive been running on hyperdrive for the past 7 months. and by hyperdrive i mean at some points i was sleeping less than 3 hours and driving around this god-forsaken city in order to get to all of my appointments and obligations.
but not now. work is done until after spring break. my college CAD class is so easy that i'm a few assignments ahead even though i skip it more than i go. nothing going on in yearbook except waiting for proofs.
the even more depressing part is that i do have a few unfinished projects: that photo website for the berlin fair that i promised i'd do about a month ago, redo-ing the right to life board (including that poster i've been trying to finish since january), various creative projects, organizing my room/life, scholarships, etc etc etc.
ironic how free time makes me lazy and self-centered. not to mention depressed, worthless, and overall unmotivated. and i know it's just going to be that much harder to get back into the chaos after spring break...
blah. today may have been a decent monday, but i'm feeling pretty bummed. i hate myself, my life, and everyone in it (or lack there of).
maybe someday i will be satisfied.
hah.
go ahead. do it. |
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