:: 2004 29 January :: 3.16 pm
:: Mood: confused

I wish that you would live my dreams with me





...time is the devil...

have some nuts?

:: 2004 28 January :: 7.11 pm

If I could sit down and talk to you, I would. If I could tell you who I am, I would. If I could share my thoughts with you, I would. If I could live with you forever, I would. If I could dream my dreams with you, I would. If I could say your name and not be afraid, I would. If I could love you like you wanted, I would. If I could make your pain go away, I would. If I could give you all you needed, I would. If I could make your life perfect, I would. I would. I would. I would. It hurts me to know that someone being so quick to judge the people in my life that mean the most, doesn't even care to know who I am. Can you see what you have done? Doesn't it hurt to know that you cannot change a thing? That even though you wish and dream, these dreams will never satisfy you. Nothing makes you happy. Can't you see that I love you. I will always love you. As God as my witness.

4 squirrely | have some nuts?

:: 2004 27 January :: 7.34 pm

It's been two weeks in counting, since I last seen you smile. The weather up here isn't always the greatest, but I can accept that. Did you find Jesus? Oh I'm glad. Life is so much better with Him. I hope your okay with the pictures I drew of your beautiful face. The lines semed to fade when I held them in the light. I hope it doesn't hurt having your heart broken and all. I know what it's like. To have it ripped out and shoved in to a grinder. That rips it to shreds making you feel empty and alone, one last time. Then you build up your wall around yourself. Letting no one past to see the real thoughts and feelings or in's and out's of your body. It hurt's to wake up and scream in the silence of your brain, to know that someone once saw you, but would rather have nothing to do with you. It hurts. Especially when you cry your eyes out. But yet everyone has a little hope left. That feeling deep inside your heart, that tells you to stay. That tells you to hold on, because you might miss that next exciting thing. And that little voice inside of you, is that one man who took all of your shame and gave you a permanent second chance. A chance to rebuild yourself into that beautiful flower that you once saw yourself as. It's Him I tell you, and I will not give up. Not wthout a fight. To know that someone gave their life so I could see the light of another day. It makes me feel like I don't need anyone else besides that feeling. And that's why I'm still alive.

1 squirrel | have some nuts?

:: 2004 26 January :: 6.59 pm

Just Another Day
Well, it's been a long day... sometimes things don't work out the way we all expect them to, but there's nothing we can do about it. Times change, people grow up, move on, and the next thing you know we've become the people we hate the most. I've always wondered maybe if would took advantage of the good things in life, and stop focusing on the bad, that there would be less pain and more beauty. You know, sometimes, I wake up in the morning and hate being me. I think about all the things in my life that are hurtful, like Ryan and I breaking up, or Michelle's monolouge, or Matt taking his month vacation, or Nick's leg, or Marisa collapsing in the middle of the hallway balling her eyes out, or my dad getting his infection back. I think about these every morning and wonder what they add up to. Does it make me better than any of you that I can say, "I've been through that." The truth is, is that it doesn't. Just more trials, and test's of our faith that make us stronger individuals, molding us into who we are. Stop dwelling on the past, it gets you no where. If it does anything it makes you weaker. Though all these things seem to bring me down, there is one thing that will always stay true in my life...and that is God. He is the one to drag me out of any mess, that I put myself into. No matter what the cost. Some people find it strange to love a God who's "not there all the time" or who "doesn't answer their prayer's." Well...have you ever thought about what you were asking for. God is not just a one way street If you ask things from Him, He asks things from you. Is it so hard to do the will of God when all He asks is that you love eachother, and worship Him? It confuses me sometimes to know that no one understands the truth that I hold. That no one gets how powerful He really is. I guess it's going to take a while. In the meantime...don't give up.

1 squirrel | have some nuts?

:: 2004 24 January :: 7.16 pm

Favorite sounds:
Crickets
Cello
Rain
Thunder
Guitar hum
Fan
Waterfall
Flick of a lighter
Cedar Springs at 9:00pm
Old comedy at volume level 3 at 4 in the morning
thr purr of a 1964 mustang
laughing
Classical music
opera singing
tap dancers
Heart beat
Waves hitting the beach at night
Billy Corgan's voice
coffee being made
the telephone
Thing's I dream about:
Falling
Robots
Aliens
Lonliness
The End Of the World
Playing guitar on stage
Walking on water
Having Kids
Music
Long hall with mirrors
Outside
Trees
Yellow skies
Driving a crappy truck with no brakes
My sister dating the oil change guy
space
Broken glass
The planets exploding
snow
baby seals
Telling Kevin that I'm in love with him.
That my ex-boyfriend murdered my father, who was actually Danny Devito


Wow, I am screwed up....

1 squirrel | have some nuts?

:: 2004 24 January :: 7.00 pm
:: Music: Rock and Roll Worship Circus : The Undiscovered

1 squirrel | have some nuts?

:: 2004 23 January :: 4.40 pm
:: Music: tears for fears: Mad World

1 squirrel | have some nuts?

:: 2004 20 January :: 8.01 pm

You know what's really sad...
When you sit there and ball your eyes out because of some stupid mistake, and out of the 4 other people in the house, they find no reason to comfort you.








...I hurt.

2 squirrely | have some nuts?

:: 2004 16 January :: 5.33 pm

Who Is Jesus to you?
We hear a lot of different opinions about who Jesus was. Even outside of religion, history confirms the existence and teachings of Jesus, so what are we to think of him? Who was this man who has influenced the world more than any other? Many people claim he was a prophet while others believe he was simply a good moral teacher. Bible believing Christians call Him the son of God. Why? Because that’s who Jesus claimed he was. Take a look at some of the things Jesus said.

“I and the Father are one” (John 10:30)

“Don’t you know me, Phillip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the father.” (John 14:9)

After one occasion when Jesus spoke “I and the father are one.” (John 10:30) The Jews picked up stones to stone Jesus to death. They knew exactly what he was implying by his claim, they said “We are not stoning you for any of these, but for blasphemy, because you, a mere man, claim to be God.” (John 10:33)

In the Old Testament (first half of the bible) when Moses asked God’s name, he replied: “I AM WHO I AM.” (Exodus 3:14) Jesus claimed the same of himself when he said, “I tell you the truth…before Abraham was born, I AM!” (John 8:58)

It was very clear to the people of Jesus’ day what He was teaching, and they responded by hating Him, trying to stone Him, or following Him.

Listen to the Logic that C.S. Lewis presents:

“I am trying here to prevent anyone from saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: ‘I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept his claim to be God.’ That is one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic-on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg-or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the son of God: or else a madman or something worse.”

Lewis is here reminding us that if Jesus clearly claimed to be God, then we are down to 3 definitions of who this man was.

1. If He knew He wasn’t God and taught that He was, then He was a liar, a hypocrite, and a deceiver. We can call no such man a moral teacher. Josh McDowell adds: “You would have to conclude logically that He was a deliberate liar. This view of Jesus, however doesn’t coincide with what we know either of Him or the results of His life and teachings. Wherever Jesus has been proclaimed, lives have been changed for the good, nations have changed for the better, thieves are made honest, alcoholics are cured, hateful individuals become channels of love, unjust persons become just.”
2. If He was really convinced He was God and was wrong, then He himself was deceived and a lunatic at the least. Clark H Pinnock asks: “Was He deluded about His greatness, a paranoid, an unintentional deceiver, a schizophrenic? Again, the skill and depth of his teachings support the case only for His total mental soundness. If only we were as sane as He!”
3. The only remaining option is that Jesus’ claims about himself were true. He really was the Christ, the Son of God.

“You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill His as a demon; or you can fall at his feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come up with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intent to.” C.S. Lewis

Who do you think He was?


Much of the content for this article was taken from Josh McDowell’s book “A Ready Defense”. The sources of the above quotes may be found in His bibliography.
-Foolish Things

3 squirrely | have some nuts?

:: 2004 16 January :: 5.22 pm
:: Music: Foolish Things

have some nuts?

:: 2004 15 January :: 3.08 pm
:: Music: Clemency - "Rescue Me"

2 squirrely | have some nuts?

:: 2004 14 January :: 4.27 pm

That day you came...
I guess I couldn't say
What it meant to me
The day you stared down into these eyes
I didn't know what to feel
I don't know what to say
I remember that day you came
And told me that I "drive you insane"

Well I'm here now, I'm here now
Won't you come save me
I'm here now, I'm here now
Won't you come rescue me

It's not like it was back then
when we were here
For our own damn good
So we looked at the sky
Wished on the stars
And now we've fallen apart
And I remember that day you came
And told me you'd never be the same...

have some nuts?

:: 2004 13 January :: 7.07 pm

Secrets, I hate secrets, especially when you're the only one that knows...



the only one.

2 squirrely | have some nuts?

:: 2004 11 January :: 7.54 pm
:: Music: My sisters talk nonsense...

1 squirrel | have some nuts?

:: 2004 6 January :: 9.34 pm

Well, I got my senior pictures finally, which is a good thing. I got that out of the way. Now on to my ACT's. Go figure, I've been in high school for five years and still haven't taken my ACT's yet. i can't wait till graduation though. It's so weird to think that "this is it" I need to grow up. And it's really weird. I already have my life completely planned out. first I'm going to college for music management then possibly to bible college then I'm gonna get married(hopefully), have babies, get old, have funny lookin' skin and die. Maybe not exactly that way, or even order, but you get my drift. It's so cool all the opportunities that we have as teenagers. It is sad though the choices that some of us make that take us to a dead end. It's all good though. If I was able to turn my life around, I can guarantee that anybody could do it. They just have to try as hard as they possibly can and maybe listen to their parents. Sometimes they do have good advice.
I might be going to the Ukraine this summer. As a mission trip. That's gonna be so awesome. First time I go anywhere besides Michigan and it's out of the country. Well, it has come to that moment where I must count my sheep.

1 squirrel | have some nuts?

:: 2004 4 January :: 10.10 pm

It's been a long break... one that has quite boring and quite lazy. My Dad limits me on my places to go, not for any reason in paticular just because I think he's afraid of letting us not ever being home. It gets kinda of annoying after a while, but he's my dad and I have to live with it. Well I got my senior pictures done, I did them myself, I've spent countless hours in front of this computer trying to get them right, and I hope everyone likes them. My guitar broke which makes me very angry. it didn't break so I can't play, it just broke because it wants to get me upset. I've been having a few things on my mind lately that I can't really say what, for the matter of someone saying "I told you so, I told you so" but let's just say I wish I had the answer. Well, I have to go pass out, and eventually drag myself out of bed tomorrow for another relentless day of school. Only 5 more months. Pray they come quick...

10 squirrely | have some nuts?

:: 2004 1 January :: 11.05 pm

Well, it's a new year, no resolutions, I figure why bother with saying stupid stuff that I'm never gonna acomplish anyway. It makes no sense. but anyways. I gotta my senior pics taken their pretty sweet. i should have them by next week. Life has been so oring around here. I've been doing nothing all week. Well, I have to go and do more nothing.

have some nuts?

:: 2003 22 December :: 3.09 pm

Its over, it's all over. One more chance to see that I am just the same as the rest of them. I wish I were someone else. Everytime you speak to me, you expect me to be better than I really am. I can't do that anymore. I'm sorry. I'm only human. I'm not giving up. I can't, I've gone this far, theres no turning back. Was there ever a point to me being the way that I am? No one likes me. Everyone has something to say about me whether it's good or bad. i'm sorry that I can't be perfect. I know that you're getting sick and tired of me telling you how I think it should be. Well, that's what I think!!! Apparently you must think some good of me if you listen to what I say. I try to live my life the way that God intended it. And that's all.

2 squirrely | have some nuts?

:: 2003 21 December :: 7.18 pm

Matt went home....
....I'm all smiles.

1 squirrel | have some nuts?

:: 2003 28 November :: 7.54 pm
:: Mood: anxious

It's been interesting within the lasts two days and all. Wednesday I had Matt come over, that wasn't really at all what I expected. We talked a bit, but I've come to the realization that Matt cares a lot about money. Not that he has a lot, just that it's what he's living life for. I've tried so hard to stay away from people like that, but have come to notice that, that's all that I'm drawn to... I know that everyone likes money, everyone needs money, you can't survive without it unless you have people that really, really care about you. But why does it have to come down to that? why can't we see beyond our own selfishness and look into eachothers hearts? I know that we've lived in a broken down society where all we've learned is to conquer for ourselves. To make sure that we're happy, no matter what the cost. even if it means giving in to the pressure of everyone else. But why, why does it have to come down to that? I know that it's not easy giving up all that you lived for. And that lying and cheating and just escaping are just easy ways to get past all the grief that they're laying on us. But do you honestly believe that there is glory in all of that? What have you given in to? you only have one life to live, why not live it? I'm sorry if this sounds like some cheesy little saying that you find in some Chicken Soup book. But it's not that I'm trying to push any of you away... It's mostly because I need you with me. I'm trying to fight back the wickedness of the world, and I can honestly admit that I can't do it alone. And I want you here with me. I want you to stay, to be alive. don't leave.

6 squirrely | have some nuts?