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m&ms487
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2006 31 July :: 7.17pm
Camping with matt and rueben and katie and joe tomorrow.
ah the bliss.
eating mother's stir fry. tastes odd. first home cooked meal in days.
callouses forming on my finger tips. beautiful music to my ears.
Plan B may be available without a prescription.
michelle
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2006 29 July :: 2.32am
well. another late night.
which would be fine, except i have to get up in the morning.
that could put a damper on things.
and i decided it's worth being a little late to the party, in order to go home and change my clothes and shower and stuff beforehand.
i'm so unprepared for life most days.
one week down. it don't take no guff.
7 Wasted Their Money |
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2006 28 July :: 10.29pm
:: Mood: depressed
I can't help but feel that I'm wasting my life.
I'm wasting my talent.
I'm wasting.
I'm wasted.
3 Wasted Their Money |
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2006 26 July :: 6.27pm
:: Mood: worried
I had a picnic with Kae and Aaron today.
Lovely rain.
I would be a toaster, so I could take two slices at once.
Sometimes I catch a glimpse,
Of the world which I see,
A beautiful scene, magical,
You could never know what I mean.
"Sometimes I think this cycle never ends, we slide from top to bottom then we turn and climb again..."
I listened to Transatlanticism for the first time today. It was beautiful.
1 Wasted Their Money |
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2006 26 July :: 11.50am
note to self:
REMEMBER!
(you will, won't you?)
2 Wasted Their Money |
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2006 26 July :: 11.28am
:: unentitled ::
oh man. less than a month now until i'm done with work. that's unbelievable. it went so damn fast. which is good and bad, i guess. i'm not getting as rich as i thought i would be getting.
hopefully the home improvement place in allendale needs a forklift operator. i'm fully licensed. i now have 3 months of intensive experience. that should be enough, i think.
in other news, shannon's this weekend was a rockin' good time. the movies were funny and felt good. the beach was warm, and freezing-ass cold. the blueberry pancakes were absolutely spectacular. and the talking was super-duper great.
i guess kevin and dylan might be coming over tonight. or maybe i misunderstood. that happens all too often. it would be fun if they did.
two weeks is a long time to go without any attention. i kind of backed myself into a corner on that one though. and i know it's just for me to prove to myself that i can do it. nothing more than that. i mean, why would anybody else give a shit? exactly.
i'm looking very much forward to the mackinac trip. i'm also looking forward to havoc at hastings, the following weekend (labor dabor). and there is also move-in to look forward to, which is something like 3 weeks away. two weeks. something. i don't even know. it's getting here much sooner than i anticipated, i know that much. but i'm pumped and jazzed and all that, just the same.
credit card bill (camping trip) - $100
bells - $100
havoc pre-registration - $20
internet @ apt. - $90
rent - $350
total - $660 (otherwise known as two weeks' pay)
gone.
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2006 22 July :: 6.46am
:: Mood: listless
I haven't slept in 28 hours, and if I go to bed soon I'm looking at about four hours of sleep before the park picnic and then work until 10 tonight.
I had my CMU orientation yesterday morning. Very informative. I got some of the classes I wanted, the others I dropped and added the correct ones. Twelve credit hours, not bad.
BIO 101 (and lab)
CSP 10something (computers and society, i know...but i had to fill a gen ed requirement)
ENG 235 American Literature
COM10something, intro to speech and communications.
All fun things. No ensembles, no music classes right now. Because I had to change schools so quickly, I can't be in their music program until next year. However, I may still pick up my entry level music classes and an ensemble next semester, until then, studying by myself is the only option I have.
We went to IHOP and played mau. I drank real coffee for the first time in my life, with a lot of cream and sugar mind you. The waiter made us triple strength coffee (three bags of coffee grounds in the pot). That shit really gets you. I believe that is the reason why I am not tired at this time.
Driving home from IHOP I witness the most beautiful sunrise, so, I took out my writing journal and compiled a few thoughts I will share with you here.
July 22 2006 6:30a
The dew soaks thorugh my clothing as I sit here, witness to this event. So few times have I been so aware of this constant change of my home. Something so beautiful would be more cherished if it were rare. We prize the true diamond because it is rare, but would we not just as easily be careless with it if it were common to us? Would we not use it as an adornment fabricated to eventually break to keep the economy going. The slogan would not be "Diamonds are Forever," rather they would be quite common place and often disposed of, losing all significance of importance. Beauty is only acclaimed in the rarest of forms. A perfect sunflower is often only left for the birds to admire.
This magnificent event before me may be prized by another people, another culture, because of its rarity, such as in the north. The sun sets for half the year, and is risen for half the year. Do you think they are not joyous after six months of darkness when the sun rises, illuminating their world? It seems beauty and admiration are only warrented for the rare, but never the equally admirable but common.
-michelle
4 Wasted Their Money |
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2006 18 July :: 10.27pm
why do i keep on missing everything?
why do i ruin everything?
why?
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2006 17 July :: 12.43am
:: Mood: much better
:: Music: genesis (yes, still)
alrighty. i'm doing a lot better. and to evidence the change of spirit, i now entail the assistance of a webcomic, directed particularly at one shannon rench, who i assume will be internet stalking me tomorrow sometime before i talk to her.
i could be wrong though.
because they want to know what the hell is wrong with you.
4 Wasted Their Money |
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2006 16 July :: 12.42am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: genesis
big book
i started feeling better today while i was at work. i just made the realization that i needed to let go of the physical. there's just so much more than that. i lied when i said i wanted to cum more than anything. i really didn't care. i just knew she wanted me to. and i love her. to death. and whatever she wants. i mean, the physical cannot be ignored, but there's so much beyond that. i was getting too caught up in it.
i also had the opportunity of a nice talk over dinner tonight with dad, since kevin fucking ditched on me.
it's interesting hearing your own father say "i needed half a pint of vodka in me, just to bring myself to get up and go to work in the morning. and i didn't think that was a problem." and then to know that you can tell that very same man that you drink, and have him look right back in your eyes, smile, and tell you to do some research: look within yourself, within a book, within the world around you. no condemnation. no know-it-all bullshit. just honest help, with honest answers. that is truly love beyond anything i've ever been capable of providing.
i want that capacity. and i intend to make full use of it.
for now.
it's time for me to read this book. i can sleep in tomorrow.
5 Wasted Their Money |
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2006 15 July :: 1.18am
:: Mood: crappy
meh. i've run the emotional gamut in the last 12 hours or so. it's been interesting. nothing in particular happened to cause this. it just kind of did it on its own.
i know the feelings aren't true. i mean, they are real feelings, but they don't represent reality. but i can't just pretend the feelings don't exist. they obviously do. so, how do i strike that balance? tell me how.
i want to go swimming. i want to run away. even if there's nothing to run away from. just dissapear for like a week. not to escape my problems. they'll be waiting anxiously when i return. and that's fine. i just want some time alone without them first, that's all.
i wrote a horrible entry in opendiary. it just ran around in circles until i got tired. i don't know why i do this sometimes. perhaps it's a homeopathic remedy for paranoid psychosis. that would be nice. anything to stop me from freaking out anymore.
dad would say to pray about it.
mom would say to get medicine.
bruce would say to take a break, relax somehow. or just plow through it.
so, what would i say? i know i would say something. i just don't know what it is.
5 Wasted Their Money |
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2006 11 July :: 1.41am
:: Mood: excellent
:: Music: jamiroquai - travelling without moving
i want to make music.
i want to write stories.
i want to be muscular.
i want to be athletic.
i want to be sweet.
i want to make girls swoon.
i don't know why i want any of these things. but i always have.
i think it's because of the fact that i have so MANY things i would like to be, that i can't be the best at any of them, because my energies are so thinly dispersed. so, knowing that i CAN'T be the best at anything, what do i want to be? what is it that i can be content doing, even in mediocrity? or am i simply forced to live in frustrated, futile pursuit of an ideal i can never realistically achieve? i have a feeling that the latter will be the case. that will push me to advance the most, since i really have no internal drive. my drive has always been external. in soccer, music, writing, everything. i only did them because somebody else, usually someone i really respected, told me that i was good at it, and i should give it a try, or keep at it, depending on the circumstance. and when there's nobody there to pat me on the shoulder and stroke my ego and say i'm good at it, then i suppose i have to say it to myself.
"chris, you're good at this. you figured out this chord thing without hardly trying. that's quite a feat. you used your help, your resources, but it took you putting that stuff together in such a way, which is really impressive." but i can't tell myself that. it's just too cocky. i just try to do the best i can. i'm pleased with my efforts when other people are impressed by the results. then and only then. maybe, too, when i myself am impressed by the results, which is rare.
everybody wants a piece. but there's not enough of me to go around. the question is, who gets one? do i? who gets the shaft, then? somebody has to. it is inevitable, whenever demand exceeds supply.
so why isn't my cost going up? i guess it's not the people with money that want me, i suppose.
3 Wasted Their Money |
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2006 8 July :: 1.33am
:: Mood: tired
scholarships.
for miss katie booms:
http://www.gvsu.edu/financialaid/index.cfm?id=C1CA875D-DC52-0776-796A810F60FA6887
for me to remember:
http://www.gvsu.edu/financialaid/index.cfm?id=C0B723DB-9B6D-A2E8-39506818EAC1A5C3
-------------------
working a lot. doing stuff. tomorrow's the last day of work this week. i'm seeing 'pirates' on sunday with lindsay, that should be super-fun times.
it was absolutely marvelous to have shannon come up this week. i had a great time, what little time there was. i'm looking forward to next week as well, but i feel bad that she has to drive up here two weeks in a row, and yet i'm too cheap to return the favor.
in other news, i have a stepmom. that's exciting. she's pretty cool. i'm pleased with the advancement. i'm really happy for her and dad.
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2006 30 June :: 3.36am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: me! (on drums)
et cetera
you know?
i don't. but i'm cool with that. there's much less pressure that way; less responsibility. i like not knowing. adds a sense of adventure.
i'm still alive, just in case anyone was getting worried. hung out with kevin. hung out with shannon. i've been working a lot, lifting weights a little, and stuff like that. i've been working with the digital recorder a little bit too. that thing is fun. i only wish i knew better how to work it. there is so much untapped potential there. but it works well enough for my purposes, for the moment.
i haven't been writing anything lately. i've been trying to keep up with my reading, but even that has been slow lately. the only cognitive thing i've done lately is i proofread a guy's doctoral thesis earlier tonight. for some reason it makes me feel alright knowing that even professors at U of M write bad papers sometimes. not that it was bad, but i mean, there were some mistakes, which i caught. i'm sure i also missed a lot. and i didn't do most of it. bruce did. he just asked me to finish what he hadn't done. he's a better writer anyway, so i'm glad he did it. not to mention, the whole thing was like forty pages.
two more days. then i get a breather again. sunday i'm dj-ing for grandpa and grandma best's fiftieth wedding anniversary. and tuesday i'm going over to kevin's. aside from that, i work. i'm working saturday, monday, wednesday, etc. this (and next) week. it's crazy talk. but i like the overtime. too bad i don't get holiday pay. those fuckers.
shit. it's time for bed. i keep forgetting things. it's bothering me. bed. right.
2 Wasted Their Money |
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2006 29 June :: 7.21pm
:: Mood: embarrassed
Going over to my grandparent's house always makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty because I never go and see them, and when I do I realize I should have instead of doing everything else I have been doing lately. I still encounter that 'perfection' thing, but I'm trying not to let that get to me. You know, the whole 'I have to be just like they want me to be, or else they won't want me anymore'.
My biggest fear in life is of confrontation that ends in abandonment.
I know they are all going to die pretty soon, and I'm going away, away to college. I'm going to miss the little they have left. At least, I always feel that way.
To all those who don't know, the admissions office at GVSU doesn't like me and wouldn't take me (even though i was accepted into their music program, their school, and I graduated sixth in my class with a fucking 3.96 gpa), so now I am going to CMU. My orientation day is July 21.
I'm not a little child anymore, but I still feel like I need to behave like one sometimes...ask permission, don't talk to strangers, eat my vegetables, and the like.
3 Wasted Their Money |
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2006 27 June :: 10.51am
:: Mood: awake
I dream of...
glow worms
rockstars
candy buttons
fancy cars
melodies
vibrant skies
starry nights
pecan pies
total darkness
extreme light
frigid waters
my lonely fight
sorrowful mothers
holding hands
perfect kisses
marching bands
moving music
shadows of night
green tall grass
famine and blight
beautiful sorrow
dramatic scenes
exquisite jewels
Alien Beings
Perfect ends
being close
never ending
Him the most
michelle
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2006 26 June :: 7.43pm
I've missed so many things already.
I don't have time for this, I don't have time, don't have time, don't have time.
There are children laughing outside. Is it wrong to want to shoot them?
5 Wasted Their Money |
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2006 25 June :: 10.44am
:: Mood: contemplative
Going camping the best break from here I could have had.
It was so wonderful and smokey smelling. And I think I came out unscathed, except for, perhaps, a small bug bite that is developing on my right foot. It's itchy.
I don't regret anything I have done. If I regret it, it's like exiling a part of me. Everything I have done is always going to be apart of me, whether I like it or not. We all have room for mistakes, and some fill that room sooner or more closely than others. But you only fill that room when you feel like something is a mistake. The door to my room hasn't been open in a while, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I'm not talking about petty mistakes, either. I'm talking about huge life changing, crying for days mistakes. I use to think everything was a mistake, that I was a mistake. I'm not sure exactly where I belong, but I know I'm not a mistake anymore, and whatever I do, and whereever I go, whoever I meet, I will be lucky to be there and do that, and talk to them, and see them, because I'm here, and by some will I can, and so I shall.
I suppose a lot of that does not make much sense to anyone but me. That's fine. You never understand sex in a trashy romance novel until you actually have sex. You just can't understand some things until you feel them, and even then, you still may not be certain of them exactly. Perhaps we find solace only in the end. Perhaps we never find solace. And that's okay with me.
"She told me son, fear is in the heart of love, so I never went back..."
lushness?
michelle
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2006 24 June :: 2.40am
:: Mood: yucky ::
:: damn family ::
so, i guess the shit is hitting the fan in a big way, like it hasn't done in four or five years. and that was when i was cutting myself and just all around being really stupid.
i know it may come as a shock, but i'm pretty sure that i'm still quite stupid. i realize that this is an unpopular perspective among my friends. but everyone loves an underdog, right? i just hope i don't lose my cool. i can feel it slipping. it has been happening for a few weeks now. i don't know what to do with it. i know shannon is already starting to feel the effects. i'm just worried.
apparently there's some court hearing scheduled. mom threatened to kick me out of the house, to which i responded, "tonight?". she didn't say anything. she just kind of looked at me like she thought i was being silly.
but as soon as she said that, in my head, i went into survival mode, you know? (hunter would have been proud) i was trying to figure out how best to smuggle clothes, food, possessions, and where they would be going. where i would be going. but it would be such a pain in the ass to have to change my mailing address. and you know a bunch of stuff would get messed up.
the problem is that the cell phone, the truck, and the mailing address, all belong to mom. none of them are mine. i merely use them, with permission (WP, if you will). if she takes the truck, the phone, the house, then i'm left with the mess to clean up. i'm half tempted just to do it. i mean, it would be a pain in the ass, no doubt. but i could really go for something a little more constant, you know? something where i wouldn't be worried about where i'm going to sleep the next night. and up until recently, such a place existed, right here.
part of me is really pissed, and just wants a normal family for once.
but i have to keep reminding myself, especially in times like these:
a normal family would be boring. and wouldn't that be horrible? boring! i quake in mundane angst at the thought of a boring existence with a boring family. < / s a r c a s m >
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2006 23 June :: 3.20am
:: Music: 311 - music
let's see. kevin spent the night last night, that was fun.
band practice yesterday was good. i've stopped expecting it to go anywhere, but that's alright. i just like being able to still play sometimes. i NEED that. they say to nurture your mind, body, and soul. well, to exaggerate just a smidgen, music is my soul.
shannon got a phone call, and so she called me late tonight, all choked up. i mean, it wasn't a big deal, and we're fine. but yet it was a big deal. hence the crying. the details aren't really important.
i was two minutes late to work today. they'll dock it from my check. but if i clocked in an hour early, you think they'd give me any credit? i just don't understand what their logic is. i mean, what will you do with an inexperienced, uneducated workforce, which has no incentive whatsoever to go above and beyond the bare minimum required to simply maintain their employement status. because, as long as you're not getting fired, you're getting paid the same, regardless of how hard you work.
shannon has a hedgehog, a beautiful personality, and a great sense of humor.
i have muscles, meager fundage, and a decent sense of humor.
i think that's enough. if not, then i'll be damned. i don't have much else to offer.
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