that is so retro

:: 2004 6 May :: 7.46pm
:: Mood: down
:: Music: ben jelen - "setting of the sun"

i don't know what is wrong with me. i feel like such a wimp. like i'm so weak. and i can't ... idk. i'm like sick of myself a lot. i feel like none of my work is paying off lately. what is bothering me? three things i can mention...

losing my beloved internship. all these teachers congratulating me. having to tell them all that i'm not taking it. a billion people offering to drive me, to find a way for me to get there, and i just had to decline. and it's done for now. but i'm still reminded of how much i wanted to do it. and instead i'll be going back to hell for a semester in summer. hopefully, the company there will make me happy.

feeling incompetent. govt is making me so stressed and so worried. and precal intimidates me a bit too. i feel like the more i study for govt, the more confused i get. however this weekend, i am truly devoting time to studying. either it'll help tremendously or do absolutely nothing. i'll be home all alone, while my family is having fun in orlando. yep. christina grounded herself. when i can't understand things, i get really upset.

my dwindling self-confidence. regardless of how much i know everyone loves me and regardless of the fact that i know i try the best i can, my self-image is just cracking and falling apart. like shards of a mirror, it seems impossible to put back together in order to make the right reflection. i wake up in the morning, trying to get ready. nothing looks good on me anymore. nothing i try on in the mall looks good on me. my own therapy makes me feel like shit now. =*( ... it's really hard to keep lookign at myself. cuz i hate what i see. and i feel like there's nothing i can do about it. i cant go all anorexic. i dont have time or motivation to exercise. maybe this summer i'll learn to love myself again.

or maybe it's all just in my head. and i'm just having a mood swing.

fucking chemical imbalances.

and then there's other things i dont care to mention.

9 . | <3

:: 2004 6 May :: 1.07am
:: Mood: grateful

A CIRCLES ROUND-IT NEVER ENDS
.....and thats how long i want to be your friend...

i was reading through my yearbook and all of a sudden a rush of happiness overwhelmed me. and that happiness was the realization that i have the best friends in the world. i know everyone says that about their friends. but seriously, mine beat yours, and yours, and yours. i dont care who you're friends with. mine will beat yours. and i dont care how much i brag, because i have every right to. you guys are awesome and i wouldn't trade any one of you for someone else. and i think i need to start expressing my gratitude more often. so this is my thank you from me to you. just for being the people you are and dont ever change. because i love each and everyone of you dorks from the bottom of my heart!

wuv u!! <3

2 . | <3

:: 2004 5 May :: 9.44pm
:: Mood: weak
:: Music: watching the OC

chem: hadda get at least a C on the quiz.

stats: pj is my brother, i swear, and mike... i love that kid cause he is so laid back. we talk about the stupidest things. but for the most part... that class was kinda dull other than that.

economics: me, sameen & jackie talked instead of studying the whole class. which wasn't bad. jackie is really sweet. wish i woulda been friends with her this year. but she is leaving too. she told me john and kassy are going out.... haha. interesting.

art history: i felt loved when anand asked me to sit next to him to keep him company. mma miss him too. but yeah, thunder thighs, monkey man, hoe, bitch. haha. ur the best.

carol picked me up from school. kinda funny cause she picked me up in the escalade & i saw heads turn, and like... ashley p was jealous lol. funny.

so i went to cheerleading practice at Park Vista. lots of girls that are dumb, "what's a notary?" and then... i met michelle & kari. they're awesome. and shay, and some other girls. ashley defonso, devon s, althea rolle,nikki silver, chelsea paletti... they were all there. not so bad. but its competitive, & we got a "favoritism" coach from John I. because the other coach, Coach Snider, has already quit. so who knows what is going on. but yeah... its scary. if i don't pull varsity... i'm out. grr. i hope i do. X-crosses fingers-X anyways... i'm sore now. and 2morrow... i have.... practice from 3:30-6 @ PVHS & 6-8 @ AHS. goodnight. this weekend should be fun. imma c hema most definitely. xoxo should make a good entry some time this weekend. byes

(i want him 2 tell me that i'm pretty & hot. i'm sick of hearing... "did u meet so & so? she's HOT." or "this girl at school was wayyyyy hot." or when i told him today that i felt inferior & intimidated by all the pretty girls at practice... his attitude was like, "HOT GIRLS? WHERE R THEY? I GOTTA GO THERE." that sort of thing. i want to know that i am pretty. that i am his girlfriend. +tear+)

1 . | <3

:: 2004 5 May :: 8.11pm

just a little unhappy...a little unwanted

just a little it's no big deal

It just makes me think...why is it so easy for some people to make relationships work and after all the shit I go through with guys...it never works out for me. I go through more relationship crap every year than probably all of the couples in our grade combined...(ok well the IB ones) and I have nothing to show for it...it always gets fucked up.

I'm just not good enough I'll learn to live with it. Until something changes I'll continue my pattern of being used and pretending not to care...I need to feel love be it superficial or not.

On happier notes today was a good day just like Ashley predicted. I love yearbooks I love sentiment I can't wait till every1 is done signing mine lol they all keep taking it home and holding it hostage. I love my friends I never realized how many people I truely care about the number always seemed so small but in reality I'm surrounded by love, I have just enough important people in my life who needs massive quantities of untrue friends...I have quality here lol.

just some thoughts I'll have more I'm sure

~Jess~

4 . | <3

:: 2004 4 May :: 10.54pm

stats test=ugh

fuck it

NO MORE STATS!!!

I took the night off...pimp gave me a personal day....

just kidding

no studying

no cleaning...

no thinking...

just good times...

good conversation...

with sum good friends I love you guys!

Ashley P says tomorrow might be a good day...she's never wrong enjoy it everyone!

~much luv~
Jess

3 . | <3

:: 2004 4 May :: 9.20pm
:: Mood: worn out
:: Music: u don't have to call // usher

phew, last night was a toughy. weee hours of sleep. much studying & not passing that ap stats test. sad sad thing. o well.

um.. school was ok. danielle came back today =) um... all of us studying in lunch & in english. and then when me, liz, pretam, anand, avi & jb were walking to hellllll....yikes.

after stats exam, i got home, got dressed & went to boca for cheerleading. got dropped on my head. definitely didn't appreciate that. o well tho. in 5 years... thats never happened... and the one year it does... nobody cares. niiice. they worked us out tho. pain. i'm good tho. i can handle it... but watching some of them... well 99.99% of those girls drop to the floor & i'm still sitting up. whoa lol

swanson is a funny teacher.
"its sad when ur TEACHER isn't even motivated."

anyways, since i didn't get a call from jonah, imma hit the shower, study for chem quiz & do some extra credit in art history ttyl. xoxo

hope everyone enjoyed their day. PYCE, leave love.

anyone doing the saturday night hotel thing... bring $20 to school 4 me. gotta have it by friday so i can get it to neil. any questions call: 254.8483

alwaysfalling

:: 2004 4 May :: 7.22pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: mae - summertime

what a weird day. didn't sleep well, ended up waking up at 7:30. thought i would take the time to study but instead did much of nothing. got ready and my dad drove me to school. spent hardly anytime in government which is always a good thing. i love how stupid mr.epstein is. "they start pulling them at this age?!"..."you got them pulled today?!" went to spanish for the good hour i would spend there watching pirates of the caribbean. could've stayed there though longer and watched the rest of it, wouldn't have mind that at all. the sub was sitting behind me and he kept giggling softly. it was cute since he was an old man. left that class and went to my locker and met up with my favorite chub. went to lunch and ate a donut thanks to pretam, and got many hugs and "i missed you so much" from ashley. after that we traveled to the library. made a stop at the girls' bathroom, which carlos decided he wanted to enter and go in a stall. logan told some black girls that a boy was in a stall and they got all freaked out. lol. waited outside the media center for a 1/2 an hour. no big deal. i think me and jessica will be the only ones who will ever truly understand jose and his greatness.

liz: name the top five places you would be if you could be any other place right now

me: cancun, home, california, in bed, beach

shortly after that convo we went into hell. it took so long to get started. i swear, i think people are retarded, it's not that hard to fill in bubbles. we didn't get done until 4:30. that test was what i expected hard. after doing what i could on the short answer i just left.

so on the way home i realize that i don't have my key and i find that my brother isn't home. joy for me. i figured that i was not going to waste an hour sitting in my backyard. i simply took off my jeans and shirt and went swimming. about 5 minutes into swimming around, i realize that there are people cutting the hedge in the backyard. i ran out of the pool so fast. no way was i letting some guatemalan see me half naked. boy did i have fun though. just jumping in my pool like a little kid. i'm going to have fun this summer. no matter what. and i'm going to bring a boy over to my house and we are going to go swimming just like how i always wanted.

thats it. have a nice night. see ya next time.

i have too much fun by myself, yet i am still lonely. i should be shot.

6 . | <3

:: 2004 3 May :: 6.53pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: ben jelen - "falling down"

i get so angry sometimes. i have this attitude and i have no idea why. i'm like back talking to my mom and brother and i feel like crying. because they're not even being mean to me, i'm just being irritable. and nothing hurts more than when you hate yourself. and i feel that a lot today. amongst other things.

the simple truth is i'm falling, falling down.
and i don't wanna drag you through the
bottom. then you say "sit in front of me,
turn around you'll see, i'm all you'd ever
want, all you'd ever need, come back into
my world. you know i'm always yours."
and you make so much sense when you
say "don't throw this away."
it's hard to know whats real when it all
seems wrong. but i promise you i'll find
outwhat's going on. i just need to follow
the sun before i know if i'll see this
another way. the simple truth is i'm falling,
falling down. and i don't wanna drag you
through the bottom.
please forgive me now.

the rain. i want to walk in it. but i'm so afraid that if i leave the house, i'll never come back. and i can't stand the feeling of being sick of life. it's just not right. my life is good. the norton is hiring me for the summer internship, i need to work out the hours though with my parents since i dont have a car. congrats to tina. so how come she's not smiling? because the mood is swinging back and forth and i'm getting so dizzy from it all. literally. headache.

1 . | <3

:: 2004 2 May :: 11.19pm
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: i dont wanna know {im addicted!}

this is what i want. i want a day, or maybe that's too much to ask for. i want a half day where i can just sit and not have to worry about a thing. i don't want any stress. i don't want to have any problems with my friends or family. i want to be able to sit and when i start to think- i wont have any negative things flooding my mind. i don't want to think- oh yeah, i'm fighting with my dad/mom or brother/sister. shit there's crap going on with this friend and i hope i can talk it out with some other person. i hope they didn't take what i said the wrong way, i hope they don't get mad at ME for having MY feelings hurt. i hope this person doesn't spread crap about me around the school. i hope my grades will go up. i hope this person is telling me the truth. i really hope this person makes it through it. i hope my family is doing alright. and every other fucking thing that's not going right. honestly, i can't remember the last time i was truely happy. i know it hasn't been for awhile now. it's just been a constant thing of mood swings. and i'm sorry if i've been bitchy or just 'boring' so to speak. i just haven't been myself. i'm sorry. i can't think anymore, i'm just trying to fill you in as much as i can do while being comfortable with it.

5 . | <3

:: 2004 2 May :: 11.08pm

partied, at what started as amanda's party but then got in the jb's car with him, britt, and neil and roamed around. good moments. <3 hittin' my head TWICE. seein' trent @ lake charleston, neil jumping outta the moving van, jb & britt just being dumb.
returning to amanda's party & jb eating all the cupcakes and stupid stuff. good time.

talked on the phone with jonah for a lil. fell asleep, woke up early, studied stats, went to work, came home, studied more, and now i am here. <3 talking to carlos & hema. miss hema. anyways i gotta dip cause i gotta shower... SSSSSMMMMMEEEEELLLLLLYYYYYYY eewww lol

:: 2004 2 May :: 8.08pm
:: Mood: odd...
:: Music: Maroon 5

I wish I was high right now...either that or I want someone to sing me a love song...one of those indescribable urges I can't put my finger on. Maybe I wish I could sing...I'll sing the world a love song.....maybe I just need to get laid....

~I'll get back to you~

2 . | <3

boricuababy

:: 2004 2 May :: 5.30pm
:: Mood: sniffly
:: Music: walk away

im about to break, i can't stop this ache..im addicted to your allure, and im fiendin' for a cure..every step i take leads to a mistake..i keep goin' right back to the one thing i need..im about to break and i can't stop this ache..getting nothing in return..what did i do to deserve the pain of this slow burn and everywhere i turn i keep goin' back to the one thing that i need to walk away from..now what to do, my heart has been bruised, so sad but it's true each beat reminds me of you..it hurts my soul 'cause i can't let go, all these walls are cavin' in..i can't stop my sufferin'..i hate to show that i lost control..casue i keepi keep goin' right back to the one thing i need..im about to break, and i can't stop this ache..im addicted to your allure and im fiendin' for a cure..every step i take leads to a mistake, i keep going right back to the one thing i need..i can't mend, tihs torn stateim in..getting nothing in return what did i do to deserve the pain of this slow burn and everywhere i turn i keep going right back to the one thing i need to walk away from...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hey peoples..if u were wondering..im feeling alot better now..i spent the weekend with my dad..which wuz iight..nutten major..we went to tha beach yesterday..it wuz an all day thing..everybody got sunburned..which sucked..poor tatie and tal..they got surburnt soo bad..i feel bad for them..tal wuz hysterically crying cuz she wuz burnt so bad..poor kid..they cant even walk..man, i wish i could of gone to amanda's party..i wanna kno how it went n who ended up going..sumbody tell me..lol..now im juss chillan at home..i tried to type up those notes for economics that are for extra credit..yea..lol..didnt work..well i hope everyone had a good weekend!!..wuv u guyz!!!..x0x0..ya gurl

:: 2004 2 May :: 2.10pm

bleh....I hate sundays

yesterday I woke up and drove over to the FAU campus at 12 for chem tutoring. It was alright janyll and german were there too. I felt so shitty thought like I had a hangover without the alcohol. I couldnt wake up or make my eyes focus and I had a headache it was messed up. I actually need to go to teh eye doctor my eyesight is starting to get weird. Ive been putting it off for a while. Damn computers....

Afterwards I was in the WORST mood. It was just one of those days where my dads mere existence just pissed me off to no end. I was so mean to him in the car. I had left my stat book in my locker cuz im a dumbass and I didnt have an AP book so we had to go to barnes and noble to get one and I bought the AP government book while I was there.

Afterwards my dad wanted to take me out to lunch at PF changs or sumthing and I Was just like no were going home. and hes like why and I was like because if we go to a restuarnt that means I have to sit with you for a longer paeriod of time than necessary...you guys have NO idea the things I say to him it's really horrible. We ended up picking up sandwhiches at the whole foods market and I was gunna scream because it was full of obnoxious boca people and there was this whole hawaiian thing going on outside with loud obnoxious music and I just wanted to whip out a machine gun and go to town on everyone out there with their fucking happy smiling faces....did I mention it was beautiful outside? The sunlight annoyed me immensely.

Went home ate bitched at my mom when she came come my parents finally got the mesage to stay away from me.

I fell asleep for 3 hours and woke up unsure of whether it was 6:30 am or pm...then I did sum styduing....the AP book has a year-long studyplan...a 3 month plan...and a 5 week plan for those who like to cram.....yeahhh there doesnt seem to be a 2day study plan...the test is on tuesday : / fuck it

My parents ordered Duplex on pay per view so I watched it with them even though I saw it already.

I was wired all night couldnt sleep could only study for a little bit. Nothing on TV then I started to feel nauseous and dizzy and delerious. I made myself throw up and I felt better...not the healthiest of skills to possess but it helped.

My parents are visiting my aunt and the baby today and I'm supposed to be studying...I will eventually, hope everyone else's weekend was better than mine.

~Jess~

2 . | <3

:: 2004 1 May :: 10.33am
:: Music: jessica simpson + nick lachey - "where you are"

sigh. this song brings me back to those pop days when songs about love were happy and hopeful. and they gave us the ideal of falling in love so easily, with the person who will always make us happy. but that won't happen til marriage (hopefully) right? shrug. i love emo heartbreak songs though. however, they just get me down. but i'm good. =)

my brother came home yesterday. it's like a breath of fresh air for me to finally have a friend at home now. we did all that nice brother and sister stuff. we all went out to dinner, an expensive one, and then my brother and i saw kill bill vol.2. i must get that movie on dvd. plus win a date with tad hamilton, peter pan, and chasing liberty.

yesterday was a pretty boring day at school. nothing happened and it didnt even feel like a friday. shrug. i got a B on my precal test. that was expected though. i'm gonna work my ass off for the last one. and i'm aiming for higher than a 95 to redeem myself from the disappointment of this one. i still have a 92 in the class, but it makes me feel so bad because i've never gotten a B on a precal test til now. shrug. every other class, i believe i am safe.

where is everyone this morning? out? asleep? idk. i'm planning on going to sunfest today. with the family... awww. yeah and hopefully adam will accompany me (maybe my mom too, but adam wont mind that) in listening to gavin and michelle. i doubt he'll like the music, but he's like my brother so hey why not.

all the yearbooks have gotten me into reminiscing about this year. it feels like so much has happened, but it's gone by so fast. i still don't feel like a sophomore. i'm 5 months away from 17! can you believe that? i can't. i've built so many friendships this year and many of them, i can't live without. every friendship has gotten stronger. there's a couple people i don't talk to much anymore and that i miss, but i still care about them. this year... i just need to say to some certain people that i appreciate them getting to know me, caring about me, and loving me. and DONT feel bad if i've left you out. because i only have so much time and you know i love everybody. cuz thats who i am.

danielle - you always come back to me. no matter how many new friends i get and no matter how far away you feel, you'll always be my number 1. i've said it before, and i'll say it again, that i never knew what a best friend was until freshman year. i have told you just about everything i ever could about certain things and people *ahem*. all the memories, all the moments with my family, all the laughing, and all the crying. it's all with you. and you're the memory i'll always cherish the most about high school and from now on. cuz i'll never let you leave my life. what would i do with you?.... DIE. *it's hard to say what it is i see and you wonder if i'll always be with you. words can't say it. i can't do enough to prove it's all for you.*

ari - you are so cute and so unique and you always make me smile just because you smile. last year, i only knew your name. but this year we got know each other's hearts. i'm glad i can trust you. our friendship will only get stronger from here on out. if ever you need to talk about a broken heart, the emptiness inside, or old pop songs. i'm here. for anything. everything. <3

christine - whoa. how could i have ever guessed that this girl had such a beautiful soul? i had no idea that we could connect so much. in our emotional ways, and in the ways them boys treated us. you'll always be able to bitch about anything to me. and i hope it stays that way. i'll always be up for late night talks on your roof. you truly amaze me. in your kindness and in your ability to care about my feelings. and i care about you. a whole damn lot.

greta - god. i feel really bad about always telling you my problems. and you never can tell me about yours. sniff. this year... after valerie left, my mornings and afternoons belonged to you. they still do. and i'm very thankful for that and i'm very thankful that i know i can always tell you. and you'll always remind me why life is good and why i put up with this world. thank you for keeping me from wanting to hurt myself. thank you for loving me. i love you.

vanessa u - i miss you bunches. thank you for that IM about my yearbook picture. it made me smile. and i miss being able to hug you and talk to you about life. i.... i'm just so sorry that our friendship has gone to this. i'm sure we can fix it. but seriously. if you think no one in this world cares, you gotta know that i do. i'm by your side in spirit.

rich - there's no words for how you've supported me. being with you makes me feel safe. and i know that you care about me more than any one of the males in this world. don't think that i don't recognize that. i only wish we could spend more time together. thank you, thank you, thank you for being my angel. and calling me. and poking. and towering over me. =)

lizzy - our friendship kinda fluctuates based on whether we're really busy, dont you think? but i love your randomness and your nonstop smiling. you always seem to want to take care of me. the concerts. you and kat planning that whole outing in boca for me. and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. hee hee. i'll always be in the crowd cheering you on. you're my favorite.

katherine - hmmm. what to say. idk if you'll read this or not because you dont really update your journals. but ... i feel like you're my little sister. my little sister who happens to be smarter than me. trust me, i'm jealous! but... i understand. and i know you have a lot of pressure put on you and people alienate you a lot. i never want to make you feel any less amazing than i know you are. hugs help. and hopefully so can i in the future. you music freak.

ashley - last but never least. there's.... there's like no words. and you're leaving us. =*) i'm so disappointed that you're going. but i'm so happy for you because you'll finally be able to run away from all of this. and we all wish we were you. sometimes you help me without even knowing it. i feel like there's just so many little things that make me smile. meeting you is the only memory of the first day of school i still have. bitching about people. bitching about school. walking together everywhere. rockin out. the something corporate concert.... it was all you, darling. and when you miss south florida, think of that moment. *you can be my punk rock princess!!* and you are the punk rock princess. how do you do it? you're fucking awesome. and you fucking rock. and i will play at your club. and i will be at your wedding, if you can find the guy! there's just not enough i can say to you to tell you how much i fucking LOVE you. sigh. the head nod. haha. anyways. i'll save more sentimentality for the end of school. til then. thank you for the love songs.

sigh. more to come... just give me your yearbooks! and give me time.

8 . | <3

:: 2004 1 May :: 9.26am
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: Loyalty // D12

Loyalty is 1st, all the bullsh`t is 2nd

\\ i'mma man and a man gonna do what a man gotta do, but he ain*t really family if he ain*t loyal 2 u. if they was really s0ldiers then they wud do what we d0o. //

yesterday wasn't bad. well ok... school was.
chem: if u couldn't tell... that's the reason i hate that class. ya got the 1st 2 rows of people that work 2gether, ya got all the guys on the right, pyros or w/e con jb, that r friends, u got christina, adam, & danielle (but she was absent cause of her wisdom teeth, <3 ya). and then u got... me. s0-o cute... cuz i go alone.

spanish: all i can say is: MS FRENCH WON'T BE HERE NEXT CLASS! thank the lord.

english: did my bio hw. nothing really interesting. jessica c & i = not a good idea to be together... talk too much smack lol.

bio: <3 this class lol. yoel was drawing pix of carrrrrr etc. & earl the homophobic. then yoel got ideas of what to draw for me... although he didn't draw the pic. haha. on the butt, write BLACK. woot. we all did the rest of our labs and what not. good class. x`o

after school: took a nap 'til 6:30pm and then jonah called my cell & woke me up ::shrug:: told jackie i wasn't working, so she came over & we went to see MEAN GIRLS. after watching that movie... i felt really guilty. o well. got outta there around 11:30. got home... and she slept over. i talked to jonah on the phone for awhile and then jackie & i fell asleep.

jackie left this morning, and now i'm doin' chores..... gotta go to amanda's tonight, but i might hafta leave early from the party cause family has something planned when daddy gets home.

danielle feel better. call me if u need me... i'll ride my lil' bike over there.

AP stats exam on tuesday... shoot me.

x`0`x`0

boricuababy

:: 2004 30 April :: 6.32pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: overnight celebrity

this sucks..
i havent really eaten all day..i have no clue what's making me soo sick..i threw up twice since i got home..blahhhh..this is gonna be a sucky weekend i can tell already..:(

4 . | <3

:: 2004 30 April :: 5.31pm

I'm so tired, thank god this week is over...

today was pretty uneventful looked thru liz's yearbook in epstein. I love that I spent like $60 on the thing and I'm not even in it. My pictures didn't come out and I was too lazy to get retakes. I'm only on the eagle ette pages which kinda suck and in that horrible picture with ally from time warp day and on Richelles senior page where my hair looks sooo bad. Oh well I definately don't buy the yearbooks to stare at myself.

Got a 69 on the stat free response even with all the insane curves I love it if I don't get a B on her tests I get a 69 no other grade if its not a B or the occaisonal A its a 69....every1 thinks its symbolic lol

Then we played asshole...havnt played in a while but I managed to work my way up to VP eventually it's no fun when JB and carlos cheat so much...grrrr

Looked at sum1 elses yr book on the bus, then I got exhausted and fell asleep on casey's shoulder, I woke up when his brother came back there and leaned over the seat to go "awww look theyre sleeping!"....he has been worrying me though he overdoses on pain killers and has been starving himself...I don't even know what to say he won't hear any of it and I don't really know him that well....idk maybe hes just doing it for attention but its upsetting

then it was POURING rain when we got to the bus stop luckily my dad was waiting there so we didn't have to walk all the way home. lol when steven was in the car his mom called his fone and the speaker was on so we got to hear their whole conversation ending in "Bye sweetie I love you!"

I got into some comfy dry clothes and sat my fatass on the couch when I got home to eat adn watch swimfan...drifted in and out of sleep now I'm here talking to heather. I have to get up tomorrow to go to chem tutoring with janyll. bleh

lol I think I was the only one not invited to Amanda's party...I just attribute it to the fact that all IB chicks hate me....no big loss...really i'm good not being invited to IB parties. It will be funny if JB manages to have his motel party in the middle of hers. No way I could manage to get to that one but I would still be amused from afar.

That's all pretty boring shit have a great weekend every1....study for stats!! (right)

~Jess~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
lol tlkin to shane and jimmy cuz theyre at his house...

CircaPunk93 (7:34:47 PM): thats why im gonna be president

MisScarlet219 (7:35:12 PM): yes jimmy
MisScarlet219 (7:35:14 PM): of course u are

CircaPunk93 (7:35:41 PM): just wait

MisScarlet219 (7:35:59 PM): no i could totally see it
MisScarlet219 (7:36:05 PM): ur just a bitch like that
MisScarlet219 (7:36:08 PM): ill be ur secretary
MisScarlet219 (7:36:19 PM): cuz ill be useless for anything else
MisScarlet219 (7:36:22 PM): u can take pity on me
MisScarlet219 (7:36:27 PM): get me out of the porn industry...it'll b a scandal

CircaPunk93 (7:36:32 PM): u'll be my secretary and so will carlos
CircaPunk93 (7:36:39 PM): and u'll be like
CircaPunk93 (7:36:48 PM): 'dammit carlos, why dont you have my papers done yet'
CircaPunk93 (7:36:53 PM): and he'll be like
CircaPunk93 (7:36:55 PM): i dunno man
CircaPunk93 (7:37:06 PM): and u'll be like 'god dammit what are you good for!'

MisScarlet219 (7:37:18 PM): ha haaa
MisScarlet219 (7:37:21 PM): i will
MisScarlet219 (7:37:28 PM): and u will always mistake him for the lawn guy

CircaPunk93 (7:38:01 PM): dammit sanchez! the lawn still isn't cut
CircaPunk93 (7:38:08 PM): jimmy, im carlos, your friend from high school
CircaPunk93 (7:38:15 PM): you still can't tell me apart form sanchez?
CircaPunk93 (7:38:37 PM): god dammit sanchez get off your lazy mexican ass, stop pretending to be carlos and cut the fucking lawn!

MisScarlet219 (7:38:46 PM): lmao
MisScarlet219 (7:38:51 PM): u will forget my name entirely
MisScarlet219 (7:38:55 PM): get that slut in here sanchez

CircaPunk93 (7:39:14 PM): what are you doing bringing sluts into the white house sanchez
CircaPunk93 (7:39:22 PM): you know thats not right

MisScarlet219 (7:39:25 PM): u mexicans and ur white whores!

CircaPunk93 (7:39:35 PM): now put her back where you found her
CircaPunk93 (7:39:54 PM): i found her in your office jimmy
CircaPunk93 (7:40:01 PM): now wait just a god damn minute sanchez

MisScarlet219 (7:40:07 PM): and ill come in and take of my slutty yet buisness dress high heeled shoe
MisScarlet219 (7:40:15 PM): smack u in the head with it
MisScarlet219 (7:40:25 PM): and ull be lyk oh yeah sry jess

CircaPunk93 (7:40:32 PM): and then i'll be like
CircaPunk93 (7:40:38 PM): fucking sanchez you let jessica in!

MisScarlet219 (7:40:45 PM): ha
MisScarlet219 (7:40:50 PM): then u get hit with the other shoe

5 . | <3

alwaysfalling

:: 2004 30 April :: 3.42pm
:: Mood: uncomfortable

i'm alive. rough day. i can talk. my dad rocks. my brother cares and that brought tears to my eyes. i have a bell. when i ring it, you better come.

.edit.
ok. more detailed version of yesterday now. so yesterday i woke up at like 7:30 and got dressed, drove to the oral surgeon's office with my dad. we walked in and i went to the bathroom and as soon as i came out of the bathroom, they pulled me into the operating room, i didn't even get to say bye to my dad which made me a little uncomfortable, since i was already scared. the nurse hooked me up to machines that would monitor my blood pressure, heart rate, breathing, all that crap. then she told me that she was giving me extra oxygen and told me to breathe through my nose. what crap was that. i don't understand why she couldn't just tell me that she was giving me the gas to go bye bye. the doctor put the IV into my hand and i looked up to the ceiling, looking at the tv built into the ceiling and just closed my eyes and that was the last thing i remember. i woke up in the middle of my living room, crying with my parents asking me where i wanted to lay down. my dad said i cried for a good hour. then i passed out on the couch and woke up and took some pills. passed out yet again. woke up and drank pina coladas and such, and ate some rice. went to sleep yet again. my dad showed me all the things i tried to write down in the car on the way home from the office... it's funny. woke up this morning and got really mad at my mom because my face was so swollen and she didn't wake me up to put ice on my face at all during the night and plus it took her 20 minutes to get my pain medicine. ended up taking the medicine and went to sleep yet again. slept for most of the day and now i'm here, about to pass out again thanks to the pain medication. i just get all woozy and want to just close my eyes and go to dreamworld. i love narcotics and their effect on me. probably won't be at school on monday if i still am in pain. i will fall asleep in every class and plus i need that day to study for ap stats exam.

sorry if my edit is all rambles. i'm blaming it on the pain killers.

<3 you all.

4 . | <3

:: 2004 29 April :: 9.07pm
:: Mood: my booty is numb...
:: Music: Leave // JoJo

time for an update-tion.
chem: not bad, i wish we had hw. this section is s0-o easy, this way i could bring up that bad grade that i have. ::sigh:: danielle isn't the only crazy one.

stats: well for the record i bombed my short response for the AP test. o well... i hope i pass when i take the real test on tuesday. i'm going to get the barring's book for it 2morrow. i believe.

other than that, the class was funny. i sold like a million candy bars in that class, pj didn't think i reached five feet, cause murnan measured me yesterday in bio. so pj has dr. baum measure me. BOO ya. lol. then he came up 2 me in lunch & said its just... not possible... but i can still be his midget friend. "tiny one" <3

economics: that class. fuck it. i wrote a note to jackie instead of listening to mr. epstein, and he was like s0-o pissed because someone stole his VCR-DVD player... he was slamming stuff & wow... talk about frustration.

art history: i love this class... s0-o like... our AP test has got to be as easy as those recent years. u can eliminate answers s0-o easily. & i showed anand up with my test taking skills... haha that was "all around" hoe! lol. i mean come on... if u knew that in #2 Der Blaue Reiter was done by Kandinsky & u can eliminate 2 answers from #1.... haha. yeAH! x`o

bus ride home: ok... we were planning saturday night's plans... but, i doubt thats happening... my goal was to prove Britt wrong because he is just seriously pissing me off lately. o well. i just told him to shut up. i can't take him anymore. but he is like... a brother to me... so i guess its kinda.. yeah.

when i got home i fell asleep. now i have to do a quick bio graph. might do that in morone's class 2morrow. um... i called jonah... his mom said he wasn't home. maybe he has just been going to baseball games every night, or perhaps he is grounding himself from the phone again? idk. but i am kinda getting.... annoyed. i love him tho, i love talking to him, i love being with him, i love being in love with HIM.

1o`12`o3
brii `n jonah

:: 2004 29 April :: 8.54pm

hmmmmmm whatever to say

I'm a bit depressed (what else is new right?) no this time it is for an everyday chick reason no deep rooted psycological problems today ur dissapointed im sure.

he's ignoring me...I hate what he does to me...end of story

KBS-the killboy society....they hurt you...we hurt them back...protecting our own

so many guys need to be killed.

Idk i'm just so sad and it feels so stupid he's done this to me a million times though I should be used to it...at least I'm not crying.

other things...

Jimmy drove me home today there were no obnoxious ppl in the car after dropping nick off a few minutes away from school. It was nice...far better than the bus as usual.

yesterday we did AP questions in gov't I was in a group with christina danielle and altan....interesting.

"just becuz i ask for some gum everyone has to go an think i'm incompetant"

Patrick was insulted I changed my phone banner to "I hate PJ" when he decided to go thru my purse thinking I was hoarding gum (its all about the damn gum i know its a sick addiction) but yeah their group decided to spend the whole time discussing how I was the "whore" of our governemnt class....I so know half of those IB ppl are FREAKS behind cloed doors lol ya never know.

I think I either scare or amuse christina...I can't tell...

more l8r must go

~good nite~

1 . | <3

:: 2004 28 April :: 9.53pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: D12 World CD. WOOT THANK U CARLOS <3

the day gets better.
this morning = ok.
chem = got a lil' better.
spanish = seemed to go by faster today.
lunch = "ur name is briana right?".... bite me. thank u. other than that... it was good. <3 those people with me at lunch.
english = that test was s0-o easy.

Bri: hoe.
Anand: bitch.
Bri: isn't it the other way around.
[lmao]

180/200 on the research paper... YeAH!! something is definitely wrong with morone. o well... i don't mind hehe.

bio = she needs a sports bra. lmao. yoel, me & kayli. <3 then... sam's low heart rate. all i can say... BRIANA CAN'T COUNT. oops. one hit, one hit, carrrrr etc. lmao. i swore, i thought it was the rubber band.... but i have to admit that pulling that would have SUCKED testicles. PMS. wed. are the only "difficult days" lol... yeah i love those freshmen. haha

jackie marx & i went to jackie g's house afterschool. that was fun. talking about everything from guys to school to cheerleading... whoa. <3 munchin' on junk food & pimpin' in jackie's car. lol... jackie m. broke ur car lmao. she was so scared lmao. that was great.

practice was good today. leila taught a new chant, and we taught the traditional jumpline & the traditional, "we bring u" chant. <3 c0okiie & i messin' up. ALRIGHT lol. then, LEADING THE TEAM TO ..... VICTORY. haha. GOT IT! <333 good moments. no stunting = makes me satisfied. cheer gym next tuesday. i need $45. thank god. i'm selling candy, bring ur money tomorrow, $1. BUY SOME <3

O.C.: teresa = pregnant.... uh oh... RYAN'S BABY.... we were all wrong... o goodness.

called jonah... last night & tonight... didn't answer either times... ??? man.

talked to neil tonight, and talked to hema last night. thank heavens. had a nice talk with carlos last night & a funny convo with pretam, made me feel good.

tomorrow is thursday already. not looking forward to stats tomorrow, i know i might just break down in tears. but i do get paid tomorrow, and since mommy owes me $60.... its gonna feel like an X*tra big paycheck. YES!

x`o`x`o ttyl. i'm bored. its now 10pm. P*YCE

:: 2004 28 April :: 5.20pm
:: Music: damien rice - "delicate"

yeah, i obsess.
first time i've ever left a question blank on a math test.
and i studied. i studied. i studied. i studied. i really did.

isn't that supposed to mean something?

=*(

i feel like i've fallen. and i can't even imagine ... i hope it works out. sniff.

it's not that we're scared. it's just that it's delicate.
so why do you fill my sorrow with the words you borrow
from the only place you've known?
and why do you sing hallelujah, if it means nothing to you?
why do you sing with me at all?

we might live like never before when there's nothing to give.
well how can we ask for more?
we might make love in some sacred place.
the look on your face is delicate.

1 . | <3

:: 2004 27 April :: 9.16pm
:: Mood: apathetic

watching re runs of real world. hehe
once again, i was up late last night too. i couldn't sleep. 2 much thinking.

chem: the quiz was ok. i still don't like that class. i feel like it's lonely. and then... it gets so lonely that i feel so stupid. and then i feel so stupid that i can't ask for help. and then since i can't ask for help, i just fail.

stats: i chose not to answer those questions on the short answer test. simply because i don't know how to do them. so pathetic. i don't know how... and i don't know why i can't do it... because i understand it... maybe it was because i couldn't keep my eyes open. idk... it was just another reason to add to a reason for tears.

economics: hate the class. thank god for sameen being there. somehow i go from a D to a B in the class... with 2 new grades added. 70/140 on the test & 60/50 on the notes... go figure.

art history: just waiting for it to end. didn't talk to anyone. carlos was writing all class. i just felt like banging my head against the desk. i will probably end up with a B in that class.

Chem: D
Spanish: B
English: ?? who knows... its morone.
Bio: C
Stats: C
Econ: B
Art: B

hoping to pull them up to:
Chem: C
Spanish: keep @ a B
English: hopefully have a B
Bio: keep @ a C or get a B
Stats: keep @ a C
Econ: have an A
Art: have an A

anyways... i'm kinda sad right now... over a million things... talking to carlos... cheerleading... school.... that stuff.

i just wanna c jackie, jonah, alex, hema, neil.... they care.

i love talking to jackie, no matter what she is always there for me. she cares about me... like... nobody else.
jonah is my boyfriend, and i can't live without him. that's love. member that? i just want him to hold me... see him more often.
alex is fun to hang with, and we manage to talk for hours about stupid stuff. she keeps me sane sometimes.
i miss hema. i want her to come back or i wanna live in the apartment that we planned to buy together.
neil... i just miss the fact that we are friends.... like... he knew when something was wrong & if it was he'd make me happy again... whether it was making fun of me or just putting his arm on my shoulder & giving me that funny look.... <3

these people could make me happy. i wanna change... i wanna make people happy.

:: 2004 27 April :: 9.00pm
:: Mood: losing energy
:: Music: family yelling at eachother

I HAVE SO MANY MOSQUITO BITES!!

heres my day:
~spanish-copied math homework, did classwork, took a notebook quiz (got one wrong)
~math-gotta improve my grade!!
~chemistry- boring
~lunch- ashley cracks me up, bought amara lunch-finally got to pay her back!
~art history- yelled at stecker, tripped so freakin much.carlos n kaila made fun of me lol
~bus- chatted with my buddy amara

went home..then to aerobics..was a tid bit challenging so hopefully it juss keeps gettin harder :/ ...heh. time for homework..FUN!

<3

alwaysfalling

:: 2004 27 April :: 8.48pm
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: 3lw

i should've sat on that bench for the whole night. i came home and i was like, "i should've just stayed there." i come home and my mom tells me something disappointing, i've learned to not believe anything she says anymore, like before i would've cried for something like she did today but i've learned to just brush it off. i wish i would've cried though cause maybe she would've understood that i was upset instead i just said, "whatever" and put myself to sleep. lately, i feel like my mom and i's roles have changed. i'm the one that gives her advice these days. last night i had to explain to her why it is important for her to take her thyroid medicine. she just stopped taking it and figures her body can function properly without it and she wonders why she is always tired...

on better notes, i have 6 b's and 1 a on my progress reports. a little surprised by that. i thought my grade in english was horrible... it should've been but oh well. he gave me a 170/200 on my research paper. i think he was half asleep when he graded that or just felt bad for me. whatever, i'll take it.

wisdom teeth pulled in 3 days. 2 days left in this school week para mi.

must study for stats. i have a 79.9 in that class and i hear the short answer is hard. avi came to get me out of english during it and asked me what confidence interval was.... lol.

3 . | <3

:: 2004 26 April :: 9.48pm
:: Mood: Eating Sour Patches

forever is never. until today.
monday = monday.

up late last night. early school day. stupid chemistry class. i don't enjoy it anymore. stupid spanish test. never enjoyed ms. french.

s0... ate lunch. laughed at steven a majority of the time. funny, funny kid. went to morone's, studied for his 30 word vocab test in 5 minutes & passed. listened to peter try & uninclude amanda in their poetry analysis presentation. o0o, i oughtta beat the shit outta him for that. morone's class was fun, after that. i love being in there with those people. EVERYONE is s0o sweet & easy to get along with. went to murnan's class... sucked. took that quest, probably failed. but for our lab assignment i got stuck with sam & chris. but that's ok, but i have yoel who is a really funny/cool kid. <3

afterschool: went to jackie's house. me, ally & jackie ate a lil' something, got ready for the beach & pimped out to alex kelso's beach in jackie's BRAND NEW baby blue convertible buggy. w00t. s0-o much fun. shitty parking job tho, jackie... lol s0-o fun. and then... the beach with kelso. <3 after the beach we ran home & got ready for cheer practice... good stuff.

now i remember why i don't enjoy cheerleading.... because of the people on the atlantic varsity team. thank u. we did stunts today, right? everyone is telling me that i will be flying.. and then... nobody puts me up. instead, they put jackie up... and jackie isn't even on the team. +shrug+ i hate this place. however, i'm still cheering until i make park vista, which i am rather scared of trying out for. but yeah. i have melinda in my ear WHINING about shit... how she came to atlantic because of me and ellis and me leaving ib is going to stink. idk whatever.

so jackie & i talked a lil' and my mom came to get me. then poof.. i was home.

walked over to carol's and talked for a bit. booty girl was talking about how her and i have the same butt lol, "come here, lemme show my boyfriend this junk in the trunk" lol.
then... i was playing with her coach shoes. she says they give her blisters... she offered to give them to me, but they're a size 7, and that... happens to be to big for me. i'm only like a size 6. but they are soooo cute.

now... imma go do that crappy art hist hw.
damn... its only monday x`o

:: 2004 26 April :: 8.09pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: i dont wanna know

IF YOURE PLAYIN ME, KEEP IT ON THE LOW
good day good day..nothing happened in particular..i dunno it was just 'enjoyable'. didnt do anything in spanish..skipped health..hung out with my papa smurf sameen. he sanded his mug and we just talked/chilled. twas nice. then met up with my people.. walked carlos to class.. lunch was alright..studied vocab..english..drew in my planner..lol..then went to economics..where the high point of my day occured..the extra credit notes count asa test grade..YES that was my high point! heh..took the practice test..got a 64..better than usual..then it was time to go home..bus ride was funnnny!! whoa..good times. then amy came over n helped me in chem..im gettin there! she left shortly after..and i ate dinner..YUM..then did some of my homework..which is why i feel accomplished..hehe..im gonna go n finish..ttyl

<3

:: 2004 26 April :: 7.06pm
:: Mood: depressed wtf...

Today was a good day this was a good weekend. What is my problem. Everything is going great but I have this feeling of the world crashing down around me. Its like I don't deserve happiness my mind is a hopeless cynnic that has to twist all good thoughts into negativity.

school was easy today did nothing basicall, my health project went well I didn't do too miserably on the government mock. I had my captain interview after school for eagle ettes. It went fine. Not like spectacularly amazing but I think I gave some good answers. I'm more worried about teaching my dance but thast in a couple weeks. Guys are...nonexistent this past week, I've been busy they've been moody w/e its not even bothering me.

Friends are....friends I don't even care. I'm in a loner mood all of a sudden, happy perky jessica wore herself out or something. I'm getting into one of those moods again where I just don't like people. Nothing suicidal this time dont worry (ifu even would) im just...apathetic I expect too much from people and I will only get hurt so I'm not going to expect anything and it will save me pain later. I'm shutting down again I feel it. I'm ready to close myself off from the world.

I was sitting outside of my interview waiting for michelle and the seniors to be done so michelle could drive me home. And I wanted human contact so I looked thru my fone book I didn't wan tto talk to anyone. I called jimmy cuz no matter what I can always handle him but he was at swim I think...left him sum long babbling message. Then John called cuz he needed sum1's number it kinda cheered me up but I wasn't really into talking to him either. Everythign is just so...dissapointing

like myself I dissapoint myself. I couldnt even stay sober for a few weeks until school ended I could have not drank on saturday just gone and not drank there were sober people there. I also didnt have to literally drink until I passed out even jimmy said I had to much and thats saying something. Do I really have a problem? I made such a big deal about not doing it I'm pathetic.

why can't I let myself be happy?

im sry none of this makes sense oh well...

~numb again~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**yeah either danielle forgot to give briana my money or briana didnt write my username on the paper when she sent it in cuz I didn't get a message saying my journal was saved...NE1 know anything about that?**

5 . | <3