lalala

lalala

:: 2009 27 April :: 6.09am

"Remember, remember. This is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I've taken for granted."

aerii

:: 2009 25 April :: 4.17pm

It felt like we were a family.
And nothing else mattered in that moment.

godessalthena

:: 2009 25 April :: 1.10am

hello the world!

today started out to be the shittiest day in recent memory..
up until i got home and got to see my uber-sweet cat boy of doom!!

i got good audits this week and i was so relieved when i realized today that i had already had all of my audits.. the calls today were horrendous. and i spilt my juice all over myself.. haha it's funny in retrospect, but man i was angry!

i love my kitty ninja. since ninja came bazoo just sleeps... weird..

:D

aerii

:: 2009 24 April :: 7.46am

Death Cab and Cold War Kids tonight.
For free.

:D

1 love | <3

angel_bob

:: 2009 21 April :: 7.32pm

Update
Bad news comes in threes, right?

Nick's grandmother (the one on his father's side, the one his parents are staying with)'s best friend passed away Sunday. Four years ago on the 15th, Nick's grandfather (her husband) passed away.

So at 9 Sunday morning, we all got up and drove up to the house to basically house-sit while Grandma got out.

I got to see the house in daylight on Sunday. I don't know what was the worst thing to see: how small the hole is...the hole that used to be the house, the steps that led to the front door that are now cement steps to nothing, how little is left or the charred leaves and grass surrounding the house, the charred path carved out behind the house to the man who started it all, the ash that threatened to jump the road to take out another house. I don't know.

I think I was in shock before then because Sunday night it really hit me that it was all gone. And Nick's parents are spending their days making lists of everything they had, trying to remember everything they lived with, how old it was, where they bought it and quoting things that have no price. Things like Nick's grandfather's woodworking tools, the baby clothes, his great-grandmother's handmade quilts, his grandfather's guns, the bunk bed his father made, his mother's wedding dress, Jess' cake and all the pictures of everyone and everything.

I feel like I need to be helping out more but there's nothing we can do. I can make food, I guess. I can give hugs. But these lists, the insurance stuff, everything. I can't help.

When they start to look for places to live, then I can help.

Thanks for everything, kids. Love ya.

3 loves | <3

godessalthena

:: 2009 20 April :: 12.10pm

i like how i moved here so my parents could take care of me medically and now i'm not even on their insurance...

they don't support me in any way.

and mom expressly told me i could move into an apartment if i didn't want to live at home.

so now i moved away from seattle, where i was happy.
to live here where i'm extremely unhappy.
and i'm not getting help with anything.
and it's really really unfair..

i'm pissed.

1 love | <3

angel_bob

:: 2009 17 April :: 4.08pm

Nick's parents' house burned down yesterday.

Fox17 (We were there when they filmed the news at 10. We watched this story at his grandmother's house while they were up at the house. It was surreal.)

WZZM13

Everyone is okay. Nick's parents were at work. His mother's sister lives with them and works third shift. She was asleep when the house caught on fire.

We went up there last night to see if we could help with anything. The whole house is gone. They went to buy some clothes and necessities but they have nothing. Aunt Jean saved the laptops and the dog. The stray cat that they feed occasionally is okay too.

Thank goodness everyone is safe.

It's so weird to see the house not there. We visited them for Easter and talked about what they would change if they had to build the house all over again.

Nick, Katti and Jess grew up in that house. His family built it themselves.

I am glad everyone is okay but I really wish it hadn't happened. They are staying with Nick's grandmother who lives down the street for now.

I feel like I should do something for them but I don't know what to do. We are just thankful that everyone is okay.

3 loves | <3

aerii

:: 2009 14 April :: 11.43pm

Seattle in two weeks.

:D

I need this.

godessalthena

:: 2009 13 April :: 12.26pm

i went to my parent's house on my birthday and depsite the panic attacks leading up to it, i had a really, really awesome time.

my birthday turned out infinitely better than i ever expected it to.

sorry about being so negative.
it was a really great birthday :)

and i really need to talk to zuzu. <3

2 loves | <3

godessalthena

:: 2009 12 April :: 10.27am

i honestly thought that for one day my siblings could stop being rude and just be nice for once.
but they fought with me about the rules of my apartment, refused to sit down and then started arguing with me about what to do. then they all sat in the middle of the entry way and just played card games. then they started talking shit about my boyfriend. in his apartment.

another birthday ruined by the people who are supposed to love me.
every day i think about my family is another day I feel like a complete fucking loser for ever thinking they could feel anything but contempt for me.

i don't even know what I did beside be different from them.

I hate my birthday.

1 love | <3

aerii

:: 2009 11 April :: 4.28pm

Fuck you.

I'm so close to being done with it.

2 loves | <3

aerii

:: 2009 9 April :: 10.18pm

I could make you satisfied in everything you do
All your secret wishes could right now be coming true
And be forever with my poison arms around you
No one's gonna fool around with us

godessalthena

:: 2009 7 April :: 12.03pm

i don'[t really feel bad about what's happen..
To be honest at this point I don't really care.

I just hate how now.. its really clear i'll never have real friends again.
because everyone has been ruined at this age..

i mean.. i want to be friends with brooke still. because i love her. and i did love her. but.. it seems like i'm so far away from what she wants or needs in a friend right now, that there's no point.. i hate feeling like i'm completely inadequate for my bff. and i hate feeling like my bff doesnt really care about me because she doesn't want to waste the energy to talk to me.. or something..

i really wish that i had more info on what the hell happened with that.. i still dont really understand why brooke left or what she's doing or anything.. for all i know she didnt really mean to leave and it just happened because she's impulsive and easily influenced by the people around her..

maybe she'll explain herself when she knows..

anyway..
don't have high hopes for my birthday because.. every birthday has sucked for the last 4 years. so... why should this year be any different? i mean.. idk, someone is going to pull some kind of bs on my birthday and ruin it because thats what vindictive people do.. but maybe im wrong.. we'll see. haha

my lease is up in july. but i for sure wont have the money to escape this hell hole by then.. so we're extending the lease.. not sure how long yet, but we're allowed to extend it thru january. im hoping it will be long before that..

i can not wait to move back to seattle. you have no idea how much better things will be there. and maybe i can stop living in the past and just move on... become someone.

i can't wait to visit alaska again either! yay!

sus has been planning something super secret.. and i want to know soooo bad! grr!!
i love surprises btw..

love,
amelia

p.s. i was secretly hoping brooke would find a way up here for my b-day so i would know that she still loves me.. but i don't think she will.. :/ but thats ok. she has her own things to do. missing out on the cute kitties and what not heheh :P

aerii

:: 2009 5 April :: 2.24am

I want new hair.

blahhh, i'm tired of what I got going on up there.

any idears?

angel_bob

:: 2009 1 April :: 5.37pm

I have an interview next Wednesday for a bilingual customer service job.

That's right, I am actually interviewing for a job using my major.

And I do not like it one bit.

I cannot speak French. What am I getting myself into?

angel_bob

:: 2009 29 March :: 12.26am

concert yay!
Nick and I are going to our first concert together in April.

I am super excited because the band we are seeing?

It is Cloud Cult.

Awesome songs? Check. Live paintings? Check. Biodiesel-powered and solar-paneled tour bus? Check. I am super pumped.

I really wanted to see them in concert because they are going on a possibly permanent hiatus after this tour. And this tour celebrates the release of their documentary.

They are coming to GRap on April 14. Nick and I are counting down the days.

2 loves | <3

angel_bob

:: 2009 26 March :: 1.39am

Recent Tweets
I am only this awesome when I can't sleep and I'm watching HGTV. The past couple of days have given me some good material too.

@Laure I concur. Got cancer? Have a coke. Need a smoke? Have a coke. Your dog's sick? Have a coke. Want a coke? Have a coke!

I am thinking of running for president but I am not rich enough to pay my own food bill AND save the world. http://tinyurl.com/da6dmo

My sister got a full ride (tuition only) to Smith College. She will hear from the rest next week. Then there will be choices.

I really feel sorry for the poor guy who had to look at reference photos and drawings to do Doctor Manhattan. That poor, poor man.

I have 4 dollars to my name right now. Payday could not come any sooner.

Unless I am retroactively getting money through some sort of time travel direct deposit but then I wouldn't only have 4 dollars.

Someone tell me why you need a chandelier in your bathroom. A chandelier ABOVE THE BATHTUB that just happens to be BY YOUR FIREPLACE.

This is all in your bathroom. The FIFTEEN HUNDRED DOLLAR FIREPLACE BY THE BATHTUB. ON THE WALL. It's not even warming the floor.

I did not catch the price on the chandelier.

Having a chandelier in your bathroom does not make it Parisian. It just makes it ugly. I am going to rate it STUPIDLY OPULENT, HGTV.

Just in case you want to see it. http://tinyurl.com/cva4dg I did not notice how claustrophobically cluttered it was on TV.

THINGS THAT AREN'T PARISIAN: Claustrophobia

Why would you wear a t-shirt about blaming your farts on someone else ON NATIONAL TV?

Yes, I cannot sleep.

Think of a new metaphor, onion layer people. Your house is not an onion and you are not an onion. A banana maybe. Shut up about the onions.

2 loves | <3

angel_bob

:: 2009 25 March :: 1.19am

I am making a list of emergency places to live in case I don't get a job right away (which will totally NOT happen because I am totally awesome).

Our lease is up here at the end of June. If I don't get something before then, we'll be trapped in Michigan, homeless and living off only Nick's pay (because my work won't be able to keep me on after graduation and I don't want to stay there any longer than necessary).

Obviously a list is needed. Both to calm my nerves and to prepare for craziness.

I applied to a buttload of jobs earlier this week and I'm sending my transcript to one tomorrow.

Now it is just waiting and more searching.

I do not like this waiting part.

godessalthena

:: 2009 24 March :: 12.06pm

i have a lot of rage and anger and hate bubbling inside of me.
and i will let it out soon.
because i'm not able to sleep at night.

2 loves | <3

angel_bob

:: 2009 22 March :: 11.35pm

I NEED A JORB
I graduate in 48 days, people. I want out of Michigan. I want a job/career/whatever. I need one.

One of the girls who graduated LAST YEAR just got a job. I do not want to be her. I work with a girl who graduated last year and is just hanging around at this job trying to find something. I do not want to be in that position.

Hyperventilating,
me

9 loves | <3

godessalthena

:: 2009 19 March :: 2.48pm

i feel like crap.

always.

this depression isn't lifting like i'd hope.

and i think disc replacement surgery is for me.

aerii

:: 2009 18 March :: 4.20pm

Shit's crazy exciting.

[edit 10:18pm]

I hate studying.
I want to go on a road trip.
And I screwed up my schedule...again.

aerii

:: 2009 18 March :: 12.17am

Oh Sabrina...

What cheeky antics.

godessalthena

:: 2009 5 March :: 10.22pm

RE: me
i hate how.. when i'm in the middle of a crisis.. it feels like i'm always facing it alone.

i cried today. i cried all day. there wasn't an hour that went by that there wasn't a tear on my face. some times i was full on sobbing, other times it's was the crying whine that i've developed.. but all fucking day i was crying or bawling.. at work, in front of everyone.

and only one person noticed.. or cared enough to say anything.

the worst part is that i didn't know what i was crying about. maybe it was about the fight last night, maybe it is just my medicine.. maybe it's the constant fighting with my friends and family.. maybe it's the stress of not fitting in at work.. maybe it's the fear that i'm going to be abandoned by everyone i love soon.. i have no idea, but..

i just can't stop crying. i've never felt this low in my whole entire life. i thought i knew what depressed was, but now i know, i had no fucking clue.

i have a problem. i huge problem. an addiction. i can't get it out of my head, i can't stop doing it. i just want to feel pain, i just want to hurt myself until i can't feel it anymore.. i want to hit myself and scratch myself and throw myself against walls and floors.. i just want to get the shit beaten out of me.. then maybe i'd stop being me. and i could be someone worthwhile.. someone i could love..

but every morning i wake up and have to look at myself in the mirror. i have to look at the scratches and scars on my arm and i have to live with it. i have to drive myself through traffic and avoid getting in an accident. i have to just wait until it's my natural time to go. i'm stuck in a prison. i'm stuck with the worst person i've ever met, and she's been with me since day one. and i'm so fucking sick of it. i'm so fucking sick of her. i don't even know who she is anymore.. it's fucking disgusting.

i have no one i can talk to. i have no one who i can just freely say these things. i have no way to get all these horrible monsters out of my veins so maybe i could feel human again. all i ever hear is "i don't want to hear it" "i don't need this right now" "you aren't any of those things" "you're beautiful.." etc.. etc.. and i just don't need to hear those things.. i just need someone to hold me.. and to listen to all the mean things i have to say.. and someone to just let me cry.. and cry and cry until i bleed.. so i can finally feel.. human.

but no one will. no one ever will. i have to pay to get that. and i want to pay to get that. i don't feel comfortable saying how i really feel to anyone but a paid stranger, because it doesn't matter if they think less of me or if they love me less afterwards, they don't matter in my life. they aren't someone who's important to me. and i know you're thinking "i won't think less of you, i won't love you any less" but it doesn't matter. that could be true, but it doesn't matter. it doesn't change the fact that you all scare the living shit out of me and i can't say the things i need to say to make me feel better.

i'm a prisoner of myself.
and i lost the key a long time ago.

i just.. want to leave this life. i want to leave this pain behind. and leave my monsters in the closet..

i just.. don't have the tools. or the opportunity..

and the two people who could help me, scare me more than any other people in the whole world. so i won't ask for their help. and i won't ask for their love. i'd rather suffer than disappoint them or feel rejected by them again..

.. (how did my life get so fucked up?)

i'm so tired of feeling alone.
i'm so tired of being scared.
i'm so tired of being disappointed.

.. i'm so fucking tired of me..

i'm sorry.

i really do love all of you.

i just fucking hate myself.

4 loves | <3

godessalthena

:: 2009 4 March :: 5.36pm

work is getting to be so ridiculous it's scary.
and only a week until i start taking calls.
which is even more scary.

the worst part is i have to stick with this job because it pays so well and it fits my plans perfectly (money wise)

...
i'm so tired.
of everything.

godessalthena

:: 2009 1 March :: 11.55am

......
i hate having friends.

(i sound like a broken record don't i?)

i think it's time to clean them out..

because i don't need bullshit cluttering what fucked up life i have right now.

but i won't make any rash desicions.
i'm just going to stop talking for a while.
and just.. live my life how i want...

i'm getting a tattoo soon! like.. sometime this week! i'm so fucking excited! i feel so happy with the way things are turning in the long run!

i mean.. I'm finally making paychecks and saving for the move that will save my life and my relationship.
i can finally buy my own groceries.
i can finally take sus on a nice date.
i can finally pay my bills on time.
i can finally stop worrying about how shitty my credit is going to get.

all of that stress is gone.
all the stress that has been making me a shitty friend has been lifted.
but for some reason, people couldn't wait to push me over the edge.
funny how that works..

and you know what..? they've changed a lot. now that my head is clear, there is OBVIOUSLY a personality change that has occured over the last year..
but we'll see how that pans out too.

well.. off to read depressing things to cheer me up :)

2 loves | <3

godessalthena

:: 2009 25 February :: 7.55pm

i HATE my jealousy.
and i REALLY want to get over it.

feeling this way just disgusts me.
and i feel like i should be better than petty jealousy.
...
but i can't help it.
he's mine..
and i love him..

i really need to stop being so scared.. i guess it just.. feel like i'm so easy to replace because of my last two.. or pretty much everyone in my life.. and that's not his fault.. so he shouldn't be punished for it.

it makes him happy. so it should make me happy too.

i just.. get so scared that it'll end poorly..

...

(i need to be honest right now.. i know i say it a lot, but i feel so much more strongly that it's true now, more than ever.. life is completely futile and could be over any second. and that's it. it's worthless. and it makes me so sad..)

anyway.

i'll get over it.
or it'll kill me.
but either way, i'll come out on top.

1 love | <3

aerii

:: 2009 24 February :: 8.48pm

First windows down day.
Good stuff.

godessalthena

:: 2009 24 February :: 6.18pm

taxes make me want to cry and scream and break things.

i just want this nightmare to be over with.
and to get paid.
so i can do things with my money.
like eat.
and.. buy things to make me clean.
and nice things people take for granted when they have other people paying for their things.

3 loves | <3

godessalthena

:: 2009 23 February :: 8.54pm

i hate this roller coaster i seem to be permanently stuck on.

and medicine and alcohol don't mix.
they definately don't mix with that hamburger...

today.. was ok at the beginning..
and on the way home..
and the first part of being home..
..

but this stupid back problem is making my life so wretched.
i can't do anything i love.
i'm insanely out of shape..
and i'm getting fatter and fatter.
chronic pain is the worst kind..
and it's helping me step into a depressive pit..
that has no way out..

it rained today, which reminded me of seattle..
and made me miss it even more.
i miss it every day.. like crazy..
like to the point of tears..

i hate this place..
and what it's done to my relationship.
and to me.
i just want to run away.
and pretend that people didn't share my secrets with eachother.
and pretend that i didn't have to fight to keep my privacy.
and pretend i never did any of the things that make me throw up a little every time i think about them.

i hate my life.
(well.. most of it at least)

3 loves | <3