its been a long day

it feels like months ago when i woke up early and read then got ready for church. work went on forever. then i went to check out my sister's apartment at msu and ive been gettin ready for up north since. i missed lifeteen. i really wanted to go, actually. but oh well. always next week.

i was so damned proud of myself for almost all of today. im actually gettin somewhere, i think! but then, i fucked it up. stupid family. its all their damned fault. and of course, that lead to bingeing in front of them. my grandma was all like "wow, youre such a bottomless pit, em" i was like, god gram, shut up! first you talk about work, which is a major sore-spot for me right now, and then now you call me a pig? wait till i get up north and you see how little i actually eat when im in control. grrr. just for that, im not gonna eat any of her food. wow, im being a bitch.. but yea.. so then i had to take care of that mess, and of course i did. technically, cleaning up one mess lead to another mess i didnt wanna get into anymore, but i cant help it! wait. no. i can. and i will. i have been. i just gotta control my environment better. prevention is key. control. control. control. i must have control. i do have control. everything's under control.

oh, me and brian got into a nice little physical fight tonight. because everyone was getting in "his space" while cooking. we were moving the freezer, so we covered the food w/ a blanket to keep it from thawing, and hes like "so this blankets gonna start on fire because im cooking next to it" so dumbass, move. and he wouldnt. we yelled. i pointed out his inflexibility and lack of people skills and selfishness and blah blah blah. he grabbed my neck, held me against the fridge and the pressure point by my windpipe. of course, my mom and grandparents and cousin were all in the same room, oblivious to my screaming. finally mom stepped in. later she was like "you were right about everything. you said exactly what needed to be said, im proud of you. just dont drop the f-bomb next time" oops. and dad came in later to ask what was up w/ physically fighting. please. it happens all the time! just because his parents are here, he has to follow up and calm it down? thats not the norm. normally i get the shit kicked outta me because mom cant do anything. and *now* they come to the rescue? gee, thanks.

im gone all week up north to my grandparents house on a lake by cheboygan, if you know where that is... by mackinaw. :) laying out and rollerblading and chilling, being the tree hugger i am, caught in a damn half-suburban, half-ghetto neighborhood. i cant wait to just lay on the dock all day and canoe around the lake w/ gram like old times. i didnt even get to go up there last year since i went to europe. im pumped :)

lol im so giddy... partly leaving, partly john, partly havin fun w/ kath driving around last night (lol thats a good story too), partly because keith sikkema just IMed me... who knows. ive got 2 weeks before i go out west (oh yea, the christian kids thought that was *hilarious* - west goes out west *rolls eyes*) anyways... yea... im praying i get shit done before then. my scrapbook, my room, reading books for ap english, burnin cds, droppin some weight. :) i can do it. im gonna be productive now.

mle

a night out w/ the christian kids makes it all better

yea so i was online and eating (of course - fat cow) and talkin to kathy, cryin a little tonight. mark calls and is like "dude, u gotta get over here, people keep askin about ya!" so i do, but i purposely didnt bring a swim suit. lol i still got soaked, and i broke my sandal, but it was all worth it.
they changed my night around.
matt and mitch and david are hilarious together, and the girls i met tonight were sweeties. plus, i got to chill w/ john and hes such a cool guy. tall and super-skinny, lol. but hes such a cutie :)
i was bummed keith sikkema wasnt there though. but oh well. i ahvent hung out w/ john in forever and it definately made my night worth it.
its kinda weird how i ahve so much fun w/ marks friends completely straight and w/ no couples or people goin to smoke/chew/drink/have sex/etc. but then sometimes w/ my own friends, i have shitty times. who knows. but they all love me and thats what i need, so im definitely chillin w/ them more often :) and theyre all for it too. i dont remember the last time i had friends who really cared whether i was there or not. i feel like w/ other groups, im just kinda there, or im just kinda not. they dont miss me as an individual. im just another person in a group. granted, west people know me 10x better than christian people, but it all comes w/ time.

ok, i feel like a little school girl now. u know what pure happy, uplifting feeling from being loved and/or having a guy like you or be interested in you? yea i got that goin on big time. its so cute, and ive got it goin on massively :)

time to go to bed.. nitey nite!

mle

this sucks

why why why?
why am i like this? i hate this. i hate me. its been such a fucking long day. it was goin *awesome* in more than one sense (you can actually see the carpet in my room now). but idk. it went downhill. and then i ate because i was so upset/bored/depressed. and now its worse.

i just saw the incubus video for warning. i feel like that little girl screaming at the top of her lung. but no one hears me. they just ignore and continue on with their meaningless little lives. ive been overall pretty good lately.(but then again, i havent been w/ any friends and thats a major downer) but my streak has ended. i want to be at marks so bad right now. but i cant. i wont. and its making me cry...

i hate my life. more than anything. nothing is good, nothing is right. but i cant change it!

i wrote a list of all the things i want today. it was depressing. so depressing. im such a dreamer, i cant help it! but the problem is i cant reach any of my dreams. idk what the hell im doing here. nothing, for sure. this sucks sucks sucks!

mle

now is the time

this is it. im finally really going to do it. im committed 100% and i *know* i can do this. i will do this.

no matter *what* it takes, i *will* reach my goal. no person or thing will stand in my way. i will push through them. i am stronger than any temptation. the cumlination of this growth period will reward me more than any miniscule hurdle along the way. i can take anything. bring it, man. :)

cause now im stronger than yesterday
now its nothing but my way...
i am stronger than i thought that i would ever be
i used to go with the flow
didnt really care bout me
you might think that i cant take it
but youre wrong
(britney spears - stronger)

ive been messing with the devil way too long
and its been making me grow old
making me grow old, yeah
lets leave, oh lets get away
(creed - hide)

im not giving up "the best part" of my life. not anymore. im gonna live it up, and not meaning party more (although im sure thatll happen too :) hehehe). im gonna make use of this life, and get the shit done that i want done, that i need done.

all i know, is im gettin the fuck outta this place im in now. im sick of here. im barely living, and im starting to suffocate. there is so much more. so much that im missing. and i want it. i want everything, to be everything, to see everything, to feel everything.
its been so long since my dreams have surfaced. im such a dreamer, its kinda dorky. me and my high hopes. i swear, i will reach them someday... someday soon.

time to go start my new life :)

mle

just cruisin the web, like *always*



so true, so true *shaking head*
lol mr vogel.. i miss him!

and the war rages on...

more fighting. all over again. the yelling and crying is really starting to take a toll on me, but hey - its nothing that a disney movie and nap cant fix.

its kinda disturbing in a way, though. i mean, me and gerald used to be boys. we'd go up to mr burger or the peppermill grill every saturday morning around 8am. we'd split one of those big breakfasts and share mr burger's kick-ass strawberry pie (our "fruit"). it was awesome. i have no idea where we went wrong. but suddenly, we hated each other. it just flopped and i got grounded every weekend and i in-turn learned the full feeling of hate, despise.
i know what makes our relationship so bad though: *he is everything i dont want to be* but in reality, *i am him* once i came to the realization that i was turning into him, i rejected him and pushed him away. i dont want to be like him. i want nothing to do with him.
but still.. it kills me to be such a bitch sometimes. i actually really did feel bad about it later today. he came in while i was watching the fox and the hound, and was like "you know, i cry every night for you. your mom and i are scared shitless about you, and we dont know what to do because you completely disreguard us. you dont have to say anything, but i love you" and i didnt say anything. i cry more than he does, so i have no sympathy for taht. but ya gotta give the man credit for putting up w/ my psychosis. my mom goes through worse, but she doesnt make a big deal outta it like he does. i feel bad for my future husband...

guess what kath? i got caught again.
its not even funny anymore! i had to *yell* at my dad for 20 minutes that *i dont have a problem with alcohol or drugs!* and then hes like "well youre all defensive, thats how your aunt julie was for years and years and look how she turned up" ok, so now im getting compared to his drunk-ass alcoholic, hepatitis c-infected, slutty, drop-out, no-hope-in-the-world 30-year-old sister who is broke down in georgia with some random guy again. please, im nothing like her. i do not have a problem. they found stuff from *months* ago. and plus, im pretty damned clean when it comes to drugs! i mean, ive had my share of painkillers and caffiene pills, but nothing major.

today was not a good day. it was fine until i got in the van w/ gerald on the way home from work. downhill from there... i feel so sick.

i realized today, that i really dont want to live. i mean, i dont want to die, but i dont want to live. gerald conveniently pointed out school and athletics and relationships and attitudes and how all of em are going downhill for me, like i didnt know it already. but hes right.
im going nowhere, way too fast. and im caught up in a crowd of people i dont recognize. everyone is strangers now. i dont talk to anyone, and no one talks to me. i dont even know what im talking bout. im just typing.

i act like shit dont phase me
inside they drive me crazy
my insecurities could eat me alive...
sometimes i think im crazy,
im crazy, oh so crazy
why am i here?
am i just wasting my time?
(eminem - hallie's song)

actually, my insecurities pretty much are eating me alive.
too slow to kill me, too fast to live normally.

you want what you cant have
oo girl thats just too damn bad
(eminem - superman)

thats the truth...

mle

alike repel
yea... more fighting w/ gerald. not a *ton*, but apparently he took it super-offensive. who knows. it all started over putting the dishes away. something that simple. sad, but hey, whatever.
im grounded too. i really didnt care. at all. not even about tomorrow (b93 birthday bash). but then brad called me after dinner, making sure i was coming over to spend the night @ his house w/ everyone, and then headin to b-bash in the morning. of course, i had to explain to him, in front of the whole family, that i was grounded (\"long story\") and i couldnt go. its the last time id see chelsey and steffen and emily and all them until mid-august, because theyre leaving on sunday adn then ill be gone for over a month starting a week from monday. plus, i didnt see any of em this week because of work.

i dont know whats going on. some of the things gerald said to me are really hitting hard, like about how hard it is to come home to a trashed home w/ a bitch-ass teenager and blah blah blah.

and once again, he thinks im on drugs.
he searched my room while i was at the library (after our fight). i was pissed, you shoulda seen me. he later asked if i was on drugs or drank today. im like \"no, i dont even remember the last time i drank\" (which is actually true... memorial day - ? ive kinda stopped actually, not really by choice -just because) but yea...
so all this moodiness and total psychotic extremes flipping from pissed to depressed to hyper to hateful... yea those are all natural.
"you scare the shit out of us" he told me. well i cant help that ive got a slight case of extreme-emotion. i inherited it form somehwere, either genetically or environmentally. "its normal to have raging hormones as a teenager" yea, normal, my ass. but every time i *know* exactly whats wrong w/ me, the doc\'s say im perfectly fine, or not bad enough to do something about it, so i say fuck them.

sometimes, i think im completely fine - that everyone has problems and secrets and mine are no worse or different than everyone else's.
but other times, i kinda wonder... is life always like this? for everyone? do they live through each day and experience every possible mood several times, without even having them be triggered? do they all live with the knowledge that they are at-risk for virtually every psychological and phsyiological disorder and disease and addiction? do they live in daily fear of a suicidal death, either by a friend or themself, or of an overdose death? do they have such unbearably painful love/hate relationships with every person they come in contact with? do they hate themself so much that they feel they dont deserve to eat, breathe, live? do they lock themself up in the house everyday/night simply out of fear of jealousy if they attempt to go out and "be normal"? do they stand around in the kitchen for hours while inner voices have an all-out battle over whether hating oneself is punishment by eating a lot or not eating at all?
who knows. maybe im completely average.
but that cant be true... i am a statistic. a minority. so few understand me. in fact, i dont know a single person in my life with the same ed/depression probs as me. but then again, its not like we broadcast them so who knows...

mle

chillin w/ the crew

so tonight steffen, kelly, brad and chelsey came over. we watched golf.
golf! on a friday night! "well its summer, what do you expect?" hell-o! summer is supposed to be party party party! i guess that's what tomorrow (er, tonight) is for :) party in coopersville!
but i actually enjoyed just hangin out w/ people for once. normally i get all anxious and on-edge when we have no plans. but it was cool tonight. except the whole steffen and kelly thing. not going there! its not right!
maybe its just me, but i really think brad is kinda a player. not totally, but a little. hes so all about sex now. in a way, im glad im not involved w/ him now that he's changed, but then again im sad that he had to change and i long for him to go back to how he was. i curse myself for the many mistakes i made while w/ him, but theres still a little part of me that loves him. i mean, the kid is such a cutie. not to mention funny as hell. he's the type you cant help but crush on. everyone loves brad. (but brad doesnt love everyone). idk where im going with this.

oh, and since when are all these people having sex?!
me and chelsey were talking about all these couples having sex that i had no idea - katie and mark, bridget and jerry, jill and her boy (well, i knew that...), elyse and rocky. lol - chels said she thought alex was a hoe because shes been fingered like 6 times by random northview guys. brad was like "eh, fingering is nothing" and im thinkin "hmm i wonder what she thinks of me..."

omg, did i tell you guys how i ran into one the guys i met on spring break?! so i went to a movie w/ laura and chris at the mall. standing in line behind us was this kid in a hooters shirt from gulf shores, al. YEA - i have a picture of him and me! um.... lets jsut say i was a little crazy that night.... :) like.. 46 mardi gras beads crazy.... i *knew* this would happen! i avoided him - laura would kill me if she knew what i did, lol.
god, i just hope i dont run into any more - like cheerleading or something. how embarrassing would that be? "hey - ive got that cheerleader on tape!" oh my god. lol. but i dont regret any of it. i wish i would have lived it up a little more in spring break, actually, but thats just me...

so. sex. im really curious now about who has and hasnt. idk why. on stern tonight, some chick was like "im a virgin" and brad's like "wow, that sucks" and steffen agreed. im thinkin... hmm who else isnt a virgin anymore? i dont even know! most of my girl friends arent really active in that way. at all. lol im by far the biggest hoe of all of em, and even i havent had sex *surprise surprise to some people* idk. im glad i havent. i mean, i was thisclose to w/ mark -- when i was 13. 13! crazy-young! it never really came up w/ brad - we were only together like 3 months and we didnt really do much at first. who knows. right now there are like no guys. lol brad told steffen to come w/ him to a kenowa party and he'd get him a girl - i asked him if hed get me a guy :)
blah
blah
blah
i dont feel like doing anything. not sleep, not sittin here, not talking to anyone. nothing.

this entry has gone on long enough. time to bust.

mle

doctor doctor, why must i lie?

so i had my sports physical today. got random things checked like cholesterol, diabetes, hemoglobin- stupid paranoid parents made me get poked for blood and pee in a cup. guess what? i grew! lol, in more ways than one. 5'3" 154 lbs. fuck them. my scale says 147. i try not to look at the scale, but its kidna right in front of my face. im almost average for height though -- whats up w/ that? lol i loved being short, but i guess im not really that short. :(

so yea.. they gave me the little survey thing they always do. do you have sex, are there family probs, do your friends drink and drive, blah blah blah. lies, mostly. i lied on most of the stuff about depression and e.d.'s just because i didnt wanna talk about it. my doc knew about my depression though, so of course she brought it up. i even have her home phone and pager. she's an awesome person, but its like, idk i just cant talk to her. i get that goofy smile on my face from awkwardness... you know what i mean? its just a weird position to be in.
"you promise you'll call me if you have any problems or questions with anything - depression, e.d.'s, birth control?" *nods head* lies. all of em. well, birth control i would call her, but its not a prob yet. but w/ the other 2, no way would i call. i feel horrible lying, but im a big girl - i take care of myself.
i feel shitty about lying... i know she just wants the best for me and so on. shes such a sweetie, but shes an adult, and i just cant talk to them.
yea.. so time to go live another lie. :)

mle

i love me not

yea - few minutes later, few hours later, same thing. laura and chris ended up surprising me and we went to catch a flick at the mall. i totally broke curfew, but mom didnt say anything (surprised as hell!)

i was doin alrite while i was w/ them, but now i feel pretty pooey. its the little things: laura's quirks annoying me, chris making me feel uncomfy, seeing a movie i didnt want to, not being called about west parties, mark not talking online or when i called him, mark ditching me (kinda).
little things rack up to big deals.
and those add to my massive issues already weighing down on me.

i wanted to talk to someone tonight. but mark was disregarding me and brad seemed distant. i think he had something else on his mind. mark is upset over something little w/ his car. but he doesnt really care that im having a semi-emergency every other minute. we are both very selfish people.

im not super-depressed, im not suicidal. hell, im not even crying. but ive got this crushing feeling caving in my chest. i just need to be held, to mean something to someone. to be appreciated and cared for. i need a guy.

ive felt especially shitty about myself lately. sure, i made cheerleading, but it doesnt even mean that much to me. it just means i have another bad situation dealing w/ my horrid body. i mean, how am i going to sit in a swim suit all day watching other people in swim suits have fun and be skinny?
i seriously want to quit. i dont think i can lifeguard w/ these thoughts flyin through my head while im working.

so yea.. i feel a compromise coming on again, in regards to guys, of course. i mean, i like keith sikkema. i really do - he's such an amazing guy and a total cutie. it still blows me away how pure he is (and that could always pose a possible problem) but still.. i would get w/ him in a heartbeat. but tonight laura was talking about him (and 2 other guys she wants and vice versa) and how keith was all like "we should date" and blah blah blah. and im thinkin to myself "laura, your lying and overexagerating has only been an annoyance until now, but now its pain" it sounds stupid, but it kills me. it makes me realize that keith is *extremely* picky when it comes to girls, and i will never be good enough. i will once again have to compromise my feelings for the guy, because he is *always* more important than me. no matter how much of a jerk or failure or nasty white-trash he could be, its all about him being happy and satisfied. not me. i just want/need a guy who wants me. thats how its always been, and thats how i get talked into all my relationships, including the little one-night flings ive had the past few years (also the 2 cheating-occurances while w/ mark) im a total pushover w/ guys.

i dont know where im going. im starting to get tired. and more down.

i feel like im not even living anymore.

mle

lol no surprise! sarcastic, negative, and blunt. thats me, for the most part! but im also hyper and friendly and creative, and thats not really daria. plus shes a cartoon - *duh* ok so yea...

my computer is fucked. our keyboard keeps making it all weird, so this stupid window (something about secure connections) pops up, and 1/2 the times, it will wipe the screen clean, so either the program i was working in will either be closed or the information will be gone. like this. its popped up 4 times in the times it taken me to get this far, and thats after it wiped out everything completely 4 times. 4 times! its so frustrating. something is majorly wrong.

and actually, something is majorly wrong w/ me. im going to go temporarily fix it, and i will write more in a few minutes..

mle

SUMMER KICKS ASS

yea so ive officially given up my "summer sucks" philosophy. the past 2 summers have been a little poo-ey and not fun. but dude, ive had more fun in the past 2 days/nights than i had the whole 2nd semester of sophomore year! i hope this keeps up! i love being "normal" again and just having fun w/ friends for once!

friday i worked on yearbook stuff for 3 hours after school, and then had my dance recital. it didnt really go as well as i hoped/wanted, but it was ok in the end. i didnt do my solo :( but thats a long story in itself..
afterwards, me and rachel went to skelletones to see phil's last gig. we hung out w/ lizz and kelly - so much fun! we were bein all crazy and stuff. not to mention there were *tons* of hot guys there! :)

pop disaster tour totally rocked!
last night w/ kath... omg, so much fun! i didnt even know a lot of the words and the ppl around us were no fun, but we made it work! it was my 1st real concert (little punk shows downtown and celebration on the grand dont really count). yea. lets just say im gonna go to like every concert in town now :)

i seriously almost shit my pants at the coolness of the whole thing though. when i walked up those stairs and saw save the day on the stage performing and the mosh goin already, i got fuckin shivers. this is what i always wanted, but i gave up so easily. im totally kicking myself now. i had *so* much musical ability back in the day. i think ive lost it all though! me and kath talked about how cool it would be to tour and everything. the lighters.. ive seen that before downtown, but shit, not w/ that many people. we didnt have any w/ us :( but omg. cool as hell.

i am definately getting back into guitar. after going to punk shows 2 nights in a row, man, i would give my left leg to be like them.

kiss me, im punk :)

mle

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