this is frustration
so what do you do when people are on your ass about college, your best friend doesnt even understnad your lonlienss an you have to hurt some guy cuz you dont even know how to handle relationships anymore?

you sit.

you're sick of losing friends, but used to it and its almost to the point where you would just accept it when it happens, as you know it's going to. you've come to the realisation that in three months, all friendships will be obsolete anyway. and that boyfriend you had, he's still just as dumb, and there's no chance of holding anyone tha close for a long, long time. you now understand love and the lack thereof. you are hating your parents currently because they arent even trying to understand where you are from, but expecting you to pull your life together easily. what do you do when everyone else has someone to tie the knot at the end of the stitches, but you are holding the fabric and trying to tie with your teeth. what do you say to yoruself when you find out you arent needed in even your own life?

you sit.

you wait.

say hello to nothing.

because nothing is there.

i hate parents friends everyone
my mother is so mean. she came up to give me something from elaine and steve (so of course, she was drunk) and she started bitching about how my rooms a fucking disaster and all that shit.

well great, i said. if you dont like it then get out of it. you dont have to come in here, and neither does anyone else. its like that story nipple jesus. not to mention the fact that i dont like that she talks to herself, yet she continues to do so, saying "if you dont like it, dont listen." so i told her that. i also asked what, other than my room being a mess, what else is she not proud of me for.

she said my grades, which ill let you know is the thing that pissed me off the most. i really went ape after that. how could she say that? all shes ever wanted was B's and now i have B's and now "it's too late". how could she ever say that. what a great encouragement to get me wanting to succeed in college.

once i go away, i will not send her my grades. i will not tell her how i am doing. in fact, i doubt that i will do much talking to her at all unless she is sober.

the other things that have been pissing me off is her with gail. okie great she has friends. she spends loads of time on the phone with gail and then she hangs up and goes over to elaines. okie thats all fine and whatever, even though its a pain to wait for dinner sometimes. but the other day i came home after spending two whole hours with jen (and mushroom) and she asked where i was and i told her. "god you're always with jen....jen, jen, jen". where the hell does she get off saying that now?!? i havent hung out with jen in forever and she's supposed to be my best friend! not to mention the fact that shes allowed to but im not? what the hell.

oh. and another thing about gail. well they talk so often that now their kids lives are like trading cards and they compare everything. so shaun got a job at a pet store; shaun got a $4,000 scholarship; shaun got put up a rank in his ROTC; shaun got all A's this semester; shaun thinks latin's hard; shaun got a 26 on his ACT.

oh thats nice shaun. seeing as you are clearly prouder of shaun than of me, how about you go live with him. ill live by myself, which, by the way, i am not mature enough to do according to her. oh, im also not expirienced enough to drive in the snow, but mother how can i get expirience if im not allowed out of the house when it snows?!?

all i wanted for christmas was a coat and shoes and shampoo and conditioner.

they told me to ask for more and got me an mp3 player and now i cant get my wisdom teeth pulled. im mad taht im such a burden money-wise, but i would think two jobs could help that. i dont ask for money to eat out; i dont ask for money for anything petty. i asked for it for all state but i wont ask for this show shirt. i wont ask for anything that i cant handle. im trying to buy a new computer before graduation. ill ask for a college education if they ask me what i want. that and my wisdom teeth pulled.

oh, damn. im complaining again.

you'd think the people who supposedly love you would be a tad more supportive.

i hate people. hermitism it is for me.

so i dont know whether i want to put this in or not now.

im excited for brian to respond. i just asked him if he was busy on the twelvth, but still, my question depends on his answer...funny how that works.

so im mad. first of all the highlight of my day, as ive told many people, is the fact that on the consumer management final i knew what per capita meant because "caput" means "head" in latin. so therefore, per capita means per person, or literally, per head. sad really, that it was the most exciting part of my day.

i realised that my parents are ridiculously irresponsible with their money. i cant get my wisdom teeth pulled until april (they really hurt) because my mum has to wait for tax returns. my dad said i cant go to a college that costs much cuz we cant afford it.

all good and well i would say...if only our house wasnt worth so much...and we didnt have a BMW in the garage next to the motorcycle. he has a company car that he's been driving because he fired the guy who used to drive it. so why in the world are we not using that money? gah. last time we got a big tax return, instead of using it to cover the bills and stop complaining about stuff, my parents painted the fucking house!

i think they need to take the consumer management class.

i also realised thats its odd how easily one is replaced.

i think its odd. i try to think of one item that i wouldnt give up for my friend's life. no items come to mind. i would give my own life even for someone who i dont know that well. how odd it is to say "you have made it to that level where you are more important than my guitar/all worldly possessions". i would think that friendship includes that, but then again, thats probably just me.

i also found out that im whiny, and annoyingly opinionated. somehow, that feeling that brian gave me a couple a weeks ago when he said that i was "tiny" as in width-wise is all gone now cuz hearing your friends say that.....its....well its kinda tough to take. i figure ill shut up about much now.


oh i dont know im just not doing so well. i cant stop eating which just makes me feel huge and then i weighed myself and the whole five pounds i lost a couple of weeks ago (at all state) are back and they brought five of their friends.

yes...no pity...am telling you all. i hate that. "oh im sorry...." i hate that...dont bother.

hm...
so...twice now ive been told that im more important than worldly possessions. doesnt that make me feel good? hmm...

finally on!
woo. my computer downstairs isnt working and ive been wanting to write in here but too lazy to come upstairs.

so...finishing portfolio. tmro is loading day and then i leave yay!

christmas eve eve
i want to go back to writing. i miss it. and drawing.

i saw finding neverland tonight with the sandy kim and trixy. it was really good. i cried.

i love spending time with them. they made the day not crappy, which, had i gone to festivus, it would have been. but instead we went to stunkels and movie and made cookies and opened presents. it was a party! really, it was the bestest "festivus" minus wrestling and confessions ever!

everyone got me zim stuff! yay! i love this show.

two minutes before christmas eve.

and the incubus dvd "alive at red rocks".

apparently, im predictably obsessive.

im going to drop neils present off in his mail box.

then leave a message.

no need to see him apparently.

so much for ice skating.

he's upsetting. i hate how you can have the most wonderful days and then come home and all the bad stuff rushes back to your head as if tomorrow will never come with more time to think about it. you dont get the opportunity to bask in the goodness of one day.

i hate home.

i'm going to re-read this journal some time from now and realise how odd my life went. how much i changed and what went wrong in things.

ill remember what i never wrote because i didnt need to; still having photographic evidence in my brain.

yay for not caring to scrapbook. scrapbooking captures only good times. people always are smiling in the pictures. they make you miss people because you remmeber how funny they are/were. but a journal remembers your emotions toward that person at certain times, and correctly dates (sometimes) the events, therefore organizing them chronologically.

im going to go to bed. goodnight and sweet dreams of a person you know you cant have.

there are so many of those moods that i am. very indifferent to all the presents people are giving me. i love them but then the situation's still the same so its like a momentary high. im frustrated with my mum. i just want to be left alone because its not something anyone understands apparently. they tell me to talk to him but how am i supposed to talk to someone who tells me "dont be mad at me"? so im angry at that and sad cuz he's not being a boyfriend. ive seen him three of the six days he's been home, which hasnt been since thanksgiving. festivus is clearly more important than getting his gift. i promise i wont call him until after christmas, except to say merry christmas to him and his family.

my lips are dry and hurt. my body hurts and im exhausted. i just want to sleep, but the more i think about neil, the more prospective all the above (or below) listed guys sound. i want to persue jeramiah, even if only for a week in january (he lives in rockford). stunkel'd be fun too, but i wouldnt want to leave him at home. it's too tough of a situation. matt smith is by far the hardest to pass up.

today i went to his house and he's so comfortable and gentle, yet playful and not nervous. he leaned over me to look at the cd that i asked him a question about cuz it was on the table, and i just wanted to kiss him. im really having difficulty.

neil didnt even try to get me to the door to say goodbye. i dont think he cares that im being distant. either that or he hasnt noticed.

hm...where'd that come from? i think i drooled on my pants.

goodnight. im going to work tmro. i sort of like not having a life. relationships dont change in your head if you dont keep up with them.

im bored. shonsky's fixing the vcr-reciever-tv-cd connection. not for me to do. yay...cheerleaders...

its a video from two years ago. a senior video.

allstate...again...
so today was not all that bad...a few things went wrong on the show but eh, what can you do? hopefully downstate, stage left will know whats going on...

People Who Were Supposed to Come:
Mum
Dad
Elaine
Steve
Dorthea
Bernard
Jen
Mushroom
Neil
Natalia
Campy

Who ACTUALLY Came
Jen
Mushroom
Mum
Dad

i was really upset
neil didnt come. jen didnt comment on much
neil most likely wont go to the performance in champaign
i figured jen'd forget, but im proud of her for not
but i have to say that im sad she didnt even critisize, almost as if she fell asleep.

it's something thats really important to me. like normal shows are important, but i would hope that my closest friends and neighbours and such would care enough to come. oh well though.

one good thing came out of it.

my dad said that we have to talk about this school thing next year. he said "you cant go to CLC and actually go somewhere. you arent going to be focused on theatre, you're going to be too involved in other things. you know how you are."

I'm sort of happy about that.

i dont know.

the ISU kids were sorta mean about my portfolio. i have to redo pretty much everything, and the things that took the most work and i was most proud of just went ::woosh:: while they fell off the page.

neils sick

elaines sick

dorthea threw out her back

dogs still in pain from her "removal"

and jeramiah is perfect; a secret obsession, i guess.

if you care to ask, ill let you know...

or if im in the mood, ill tell you anyway...

sleep now...work tmro.....and the next day.

this break sucks so far and we're three days in.

Friday morning in the library
In a much better mood today. Patrice made me laugh. Shes good at that. The kid sitting in front of me has a duck on his shirt¡Kthat¡¦s weird for a boy. I suppose it depends what it says though. He¡¦s looking at cars online. And typing something. Then there¡¦s people who are writing papers and this is one of the few times I can stretch out and say ¡§ahh¡Kno papers to do.¡¨ It¡¦s freeing really. You should try it.

Today is the last school day for a while. I have to leave early for allstate. It scared me this morning when Christine came to my door and rung the doorbell.

I don¡¦t want to leave. Im going to miss frouny. And I kinda like school. ƒ¼

Oh well I guess. Preview of summer I suppose.

Neils coming tonight too. Which I should be excited about, but oddly enough, im not. In fact, im only scared and extremely nervous. Look my arms shaking¡Koh¡Knevermind¡Kthat would be the fact that it hurts from typing.

Patrice is typing in an orange box.

Last night I called neil, which I know I shouldn¡¦t do. I think ill take his name off my phonebook just so that I don¡¦t. I know it by heart though¡Kits okie I can second guess myself if I don¡¦t just press four.

I did my best not to complain. He told me I wont have a life if I work all the time but I told him its okie cuz id just be bored otherwise. I don¡¦t think he knows what its like to be idling in between friendships and stages of life. He¡¦s a boy who doesn¡¦t do too much paying attention. I feel like a car¡Kidling.

Yay¡Kone minute.

Happy holidays to the school¡K

frustation
I'm in latin. i want to write this to jen, but i9 know it is something so futile to her that she won't care. She is enveloped in herself and mushroomness.

Today, at lunch, we had a "family meeting". We discussed my needing to clean, tyler's unspecified grocery list, mum's patience, and the family's drinking habits. We were pretty objective through the most of it; it was a meeting to tell mum we are worried about her drinking. I began by saing how i dilike drinking so much and how it's embarressing that even my friends dont respect her through all her drunkenness. She says shell cut down. Who believes her but herself? Tyler proposed extracting all alcohol from the house. Dad offered an appointement with this counsler with whom he had to sort out his D.U.I. She denied it all and said she'd figure it out on her own. She said she needs a month to sx weeks. By 16 Januar, we will be rid of alcohol, if all goes accordingly. It wont through. But i think im the only on who kmnows that.

Th other uncoverd issue of my pathetic exhistence is my fear of neil breaking up with me. i think he's sick of dealing with me...

then again, in the bathroom i was just thinking how jen had me to care for her and now that something new has come in, she forgot about what i might need in return from her. and then thinking neil doesnt want me.

its odd, because both my brother and my pasts were very independent, at least mine anyway. we dont know what its like to have soemone genuinely care about us and the things we do. So the slightest bit of not paying attention lands me in exactly the same spot i hate people when they're in.

i've been talking to patrice which is good...i dont have to depend on neil, the kid who would rather talk to his floormates and play video games, or hope to talk to jen in the next week. not that patrice is a last resort. i try to leave people alone as much as i can. patrice hates being left out too and so id rather hang out with her than someone who is included and doesnt care to talk about depressing subjects, or rather, listen to me at all.

i figure ill be in trouble for this one, too. but then i figure i'd rather than not say antyhign. i think ill just write in this from now on because its a hell of a lot easier than trying to incorporate emotion into a conversation.

jen is no fair and i dont l,ike it. some best friend i guess...

1.) Copy and paste this into your journal:
<*font color="yourusername"> <*b>yourusername<*/b> <*/font>
2.) (Eliminate the asterisks)
3.) See what color you are

mudpiegrl

battlestarre

woo funness...

today i went to caribou with patrice...

my plan for today was
1) buy slippers for mum for xmas
2) go to caribou, get coffee, work on paper
3) babysit

but patrice called as i pulled into target and i picked her up from her three hour "break" and i got slippers and we spent an hour in caribou, then i babysat...the paper worked itself out of it...

we talked about a lot...im glad too...

i know im going to be in trouble for this one, but she has this connection that i miss having. i had/have it with jen, but its rare i talk to her. same with sandy. and patrice. but it felt good today just to spill, and listen to her spill. with everyone else, its either one or the other, or just laughs and games. i could talk to patrice forever though. so many late nights.

babysitting was soo fun. the girls were the next door neighbours of the first people i babysat since i moved here in seventh grade. they recommend me. yay. ive never babysat just one child. two is the lowest and its gone up to five, which isnt as much as jen...but still never just one. there were two girls, both very imaginative and active. three and five and a half ( i remember when you were "five and a quarter", it was so exciting; life gets boring when you get old). they were fun. the parents were surprised that i made them clean up. they said i might possibly be the best babysitter they've ever had.

ama go sleep now.

g'night.

sick, again
so now i want the soundtrack to shrek II.

im sick again.......how odd...ear infection i think. i think i can sense it and the doctors dont see it until its actually an infection. i wish they'd see it the first time.

i also wish the nurse at school would be nice and let me in just to check my ears. no. "you need a pass."

so my throat hurts and my ears and it hurts...

um all is well....im sooo excited to see the noo noo...he's coming on thanksgiving. i have to work tmro and wednesday.

i have a trig test tmro and have to pick my author for contemp fiction.

i think ill do E.L. Doctorow. he wrote ragtime which im supposed to read anyway. if not ill see if i can do gregory mcquire, but i think he's just a novelist. if i can do neither, ill pick one from the list. i have an idea because of stories we've read in class already.

::shrugs::

im liking the lazy week, although im slacking off more...oh, bad jorie. it's okie cuz once things start up again, ill do more homwork. :).

makes no sense eh?

now off to do forty five minutes of trig and read two more chapters of ragtime....

adios to all!!!

aw...i love the soothing sounds of the dryer...as sarcastic as that sounds, im being sincere. it used to annoy me and wake me up but now its calming.

i miss home sometimes.

the shows over now. its sad. i miss it, despite how incredibly hectic it was. yay set go up in a week....set come down in a day. i agree with patrice...this show was awesome especially backstage.

i hopped over the running crew, helped fill a rat with his intestines and other bloodiness, crushed on a guy for the first in a long time, havenized with costumes, took notes on the third day of the show, ate candy, ate blood, took in the show for one of my last at vhhs, enjoyed myself, super-stressed (which ultimately cleaned me) and over-all loved the show.

i should be writing my paper now but im really distracted. neil called and left a message with i miss you exactly a month ago (17 minutes since it became the fourth) and played "i miss you" on his guitar. i sent him a sweetest day card that said "if you ever forget that im stuck on you" on the outside and "then here's a reminder" with a magnet that says i love you on the inside. then he sent a card that arrived on our seventeenth month (1 nov) that said a bunch of stuff like "when i cant hug you, wehn i cant share with you, when i cant talk to you..." and beside every one he wrote "kiss you" and on the inside said simply "i miss you". the next day i got a potted miniture rose and they are so pretty and i can keep them alive. i sent him red cupcakes the same day in the shape of a heart with a letter. so right now neil and i are doing fine.

right now is fun because i sort of still have a tad of a crush on zak which is weird. it was more during the show when i saw him a lot because for some reason in the dark his long powerful cape and height and fangs and it was overwhelming. i liked it. i miss it too. (Note to self: add to list) neil needs fangs and a long black flowy cape but an attitude like i have soemthing to do im not trying to show off cuz he would try to show off instead of just be hot about it.

okie i should be done. i need to be cuz the more i think about it, the more i want the picture in my head.

i need to finish this paper.

g'night all

sweet dreams.

can i just give up?
Recently, everything's been frustrating to the point where i just want to give up. The easiest would be Chuck E. Cheese. It takes more time than i have and im not planning on going anywhere near food service when im older, hence the pointlessness.

I also want to submit to jen. i hate being swept around but she wont see my side (which is not to spend more time with me than mushroom) and i feel like ive lost her already, which, i guess is good. i t wont be as hard when she leaves for college and i get stuck at CLC.

Neil would be the hardest. It'd be easier to get over rather than a sort of withering away. It seems like hed rather just get on with his life there rather than worry about my critisisims and hesistations. he wouldnt have to hold himself back on anything for me. yet i love him so much. i actually feel like he cares for me as much as i do him, all the while feeling as if he cant wait to get rid of me. i suppose even a tree grows attached to moss that decays it.

oh, how horrible this hallmark holiday!
Today i took mushroom and campy to get sweetest day gifts for their girls. Not only are the two incredibly innovative, they are just plain cute. watching them ponder everything from the simple, generic yet romantic gifts to ironing the creases out of original ideas that would make any girl feel special and still make her laugh.

Hopefully ryan isnt an idiot and remembers the day. patrice deserves so much. Oh damn it! i have chocolate on my shirt...grr!

today really wasnt that great of a day. again, i dont feel that well, but i got through the day. I just wanted to go home and lose myself in the sims and the new downloads from yesterday...and campy and mushroom wanted to do stuff...cuz they were bored. We decided to eat but my gas light went on so i wnet home for the card. not there...i called my dad so that he could meet me at the gas station (halfway between our current locations). got gas; forgot gas cap. went to jewel. no details. jen might read. no present yet. the basic back and forth for money was frustrating. jealously...holy jealousy.

am lucky to get neil to stay on the phone with me for twenty minutes, never mind spend four hours on a project just to make me smile. come to think of it, ive only recieved cards on holidays nad birthdays....stuffed animal on christmas and birthday...poster and book...also holidays. oh and fucking flowers for dances, which after twice i told him to stop: they just die. Why cant anything be just because. im not asking for three hundred dollar stuff here.i dont know. the most creative thing hes done was just recently. he recorded "i miss you" on my voicemail played by his guitar.

odd that someone who misses me would take his video games and football games over his girlfriend on the other end of the phone or in the hotel down the street.

so theres this part of me that says, "break up. whats the point?"

Pro: sweet wehn i actually see him
Con:It's rare. two weeks turned into a month, which will soon be more.

Pro: someone ive built a relationship with who i feel actually cares for me in return.
Con:i wonder if he cares as much as i think...or am i trying to convince myself. what proof do i have?


Pro: there is none to this.
Con:video games, friends, football games more important.


Pro: says "i miss you" and "i love you"
Con:has also said "i cant miss you"


Pro: i wonder, is he also trying to convince himself that its not that bad, distracting himself?
Con:why cant he just show me he cares!?


Pro: cried before he left.
Con:for family, friends? most likely not jsut me.

to breaking up:


Pro: it'd be a hell of a lot easier to deal with. i'd get over him quicker. otherwise he's slowly ripped away...like a bandaid...less painful the faster.
Con:oh my god it makes me cry to think about it.

so my conclusion=none.

i dont know im lost and i wish someone would help me.

but then i just sound like im complaining. and who's going to listen? jen is having too many issues with mushroom to care. patrice is going to be too stressed with dracula by time i get to her and i dont even know hwo to explain it. sandy's good but i always feel bad cuz i get the answer "i wouldnt really know". Q just depresses me when i try to ask him a question like that. jill sort of forgets i asked a question and continues talking/thinking about whatever preceeded the question.

oh i love being lonely.

im just going to go play sims now

after i walk the dogs

they're the coolest people.

i might die if i see more gray.

there is too much gray in steel "ironworks" for ragtime.

i shall murder it.

i made this font gray but i wont look at it after i write it cuz i have to fix my resume.

no one told me that we were done and could go home so i was la de daing (cleaning brushes) and christine walks up. i guess ti was time to go. yea.

oh. goli pisses me off. she probably doesnt read this, no one does, but if she does then she can know.

i hate when people lie to you by saying that you are one of their good friends and that...and complain wehn you dont invite them to things even though you dont consider them "good friends". they are just those people who you say hi to in the halls, know a few things about, and could talk to for a few hours if need be.

i dont mind that she does that; whatever. but then, we get to allstate and now she just ignores me entirely. which, by itself, doesnt bother me at all. its the combination.

thats all now.

g'night...fixing resume now!