mudpiegrl
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2004 16 October :: 8.13pm
:: Mood: pessimistic
:: Music: the soothing sounds of the dryer
can i just give up?
Recently, everything's been frustrating to the point where i just want to give up. The easiest would be Chuck E. Cheese. It takes more time than i have and im not planning on going anywhere near food service when im older, hence the pointlessness.
I also want to submit to jen. i hate being swept around but she wont see my side (which is not to spend more time with me than mushroom) and i feel like ive lost her already, which, i guess is good. i t wont be as hard when she leaves for college and i get stuck at CLC.
Neil would be the hardest. It'd be easier to get over rather than a sort of withering away. It seems like hed rather just get on with his life there rather than worry about my critisisims and hesistations. he wouldnt have to hold himself back on anything for me. yet i love him so much. i actually feel like he cares for me as much as i do him, all the while feeling as if he cant wait to get rid of me. i suppose even a tree grows attached to moss that decays it.
1 Hermaphidite |
Are you a purple cow?
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sandatthebeach
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2004 16 October :: 9.11pm
:: Mood: tired
Os ju sti medi ta bitur
Dudes. I did it. I made IMEA. I freakin' made IMEA. I was not expecting that. And I'm so happy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I actually cried because I was so happy and shocked and excited and ahhh! Ask anyone in choir. I was shaking...it was kinda pathetic actually not that I think about it.
It was really bad this week because I was so doubtful of myself and I just didn't think that I would be good enough or I would majorly screw up....and I did....but I guess it wasn't as horrific as I thought. I gave myself such a hard time. And I was so pissed that night too.....I walked out of the room so mad at myself. Even the following morning, people asked about it and I refused to answer....I didn't want to think about it. And then OC said my name I was just in complete shock. ::Sigh:: I'm happy.
It kinda pissed me off when Kurt announced me being in District choir everytime he freakin saw me that day. I was finally like Kurt shut up. I'm not someone who takes compliments very well...and I don't revolve my life around them. Compliments make me uncomfortable. I often take them for sarcasm...that's how weird I am. Just, you guys, I don't want to be self-centered...and I'm not (or at least I don't think I am....PLEASE inform me if I am....I don't want to turn into one of those people) and I don't people to encourage that I guess....I don't know...I'm not sure what I want to say anymore. Blah.
Ok I'm off.
Always, Sandy
2 Hermaphidites |
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2004 16 October :: 12.32am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: volume one on the tv
oh, how horrible this hallmark holiday!
Today i took mushroom and campy to get sweetest day gifts for their girls. Not only are the two incredibly innovative, they are just plain cute. watching them ponder everything from the simple, generic yet romantic gifts to ironing the creases out of original ideas that would make any girl feel special and still make her laugh.
Hopefully ryan isnt an idiot and remembers the day. patrice deserves so much. Oh damn it! i have chocolate on my shirt...grr!
today really wasnt that great of a day. again, i dont feel that well, but i got through the day. I just wanted to go home and lose myself in the sims and the new downloads from yesterday...and campy and mushroom wanted to do stuff...cuz they were bored. We decided to eat but my gas light went on so i wnet home for the card. not there...i called my dad so that he could meet me at the gas station (halfway between our current locations). got gas; forgot gas cap. went to jewel. no details. jen might read. no present yet. the basic back and forth for money was frustrating. jealously...holy jealousy.
am lucky to get neil to stay on the phone with me for twenty minutes, never mind spend four hours on a project just to make me smile. come to think of it, ive only recieved cards on holidays nad birthdays....stuffed animal on christmas and birthday...poster and book...also holidays. oh and fucking flowers for dances, which after twice i told him to stop: they just die. Why cant anything be just because. im not asking for three hundred dollar stuff here.i dont know. the most creative thing hes done was just recently. he recorded "i miss you" on my voicemail played by his guitar.
odd that someone who misses me would take his video games and football games over his girlfriend on the other end of the phone or in the hotel down the street.
so theres this part of me that says, "break up. whats the point?"
Pro: sweet wehn i actually see him
Con:It's rare. two weeks turned into a month, which will soon be more.
Pro: someone ive built a relationship with who i feel actually cares for me in return.
Con:i wonder if he cares as much as i think...or am i trying to convince myself. what proof do i have?
Pro: there is none to this.
Con:video games, friends, football games more important.
Pro: says "i miss you" and "i love you"
Con:has also said "i cant miss you"
Pro: i wonder, is he also trying to convince himself that its not that bad, distracting himself?
Con:why cant he just show me he cares!?
Pro: cried before he left.
Con:for family, friends? most likely not jsut me.
to breaking up:
Pro: it'd be a hell of a lot easier to deal with. i'd get over him quicker. otherwise he's slowly ripped away...like a bandaid...less painful the faster.
Con:oh my god it makes me cry to think about it.
so my conclusion=none.
i dont know im lost and i wish someone would help me.
but then i just sound like im complaining. and who's going to listen? jen is having too many issues with mushroom to care. patrice is going to be too stressed with dracula by time i get to her and i dont even know hwo to explain it. sandy's good but i always feel bad cuz i get the answer "i wouldnt really know". Q just depresses me when i try to ask him a question like that. jill sort of forgets i asked a question and continues talking/thinking about whatever preceeded the question.
oh i love being lonely.
im just going to go play sims now
after i walk the dogs
they're the coolest people.
1 Hermaphidite |
Are you a purple cow?
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Anytngbtordinary
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2004 13 October :: 6.59pm
:: Mood: good
Today...was today. Pretty good. Wow did i say that? I used the word good to describe my day...whoa :-).
Lunch was cool...but strange because i had to spend it with people i dont usually talk to. I had to be there for NHS and yeah... the people are nice...but like i said i dont really talk to them...maybe i should start. This years the year to just be friends with like everyone.
I'm eating way too much fast food...i'm going to give it up this new year i think...and get soda back...maybe if i still like it.
Senior pictures are fun...but people can be jerks about them.
"You look really good! I'm impressed! Crap...didnt mean it that way. I'm bad with words..." (that was funny though) then i got this:
"Wow!!! You should look like that everyday!"
Ouch... I told my mom that and she goes:
"See! You really should try to look good each day and wear cute clothes instead of the crap you wear..."
thanks mom -.- damn it. Everyone else found that comment as mean as i did then my mom has to go and back that comment up. Arg. Am i really that ugly?
Man windows media player is playing crappy music right now...its picking all the wrong songs.
I have to babysit soon for a camper and her sister. Yeah money!
I woke up at 6 this morning....maybe thats the key to having a good day...waking up early and taking some time to get ready instead of doing it in 10 minutes...
A ton of people asked me if i got my hair cut...i just had it down because i had time to leave it down. That sounds weird...but i did... i had time to straighten it and crap.
In psychology today we were asked to say who we thought we were. Thats a hard question to answer...let me tell you.
If anyone cares to respond, tell me who you think you are. I want to read it!
I said "I am me. I like to think i think deeper than people think i do. I like being with people, not alone. And i hate being home because then i become lazy and I am on the internet for ever...worst form of communication...well other than text messaging i guess. I'm organized through disorganization. " After that i was kind of lost. Its really hard to figure out who you are. I constantly have moments where i ask myself "Who the hell am i?" Ever have that? Where you feel like you are just a complete stranger to yourself? Its really strange.
Well thats it. I have to get ready to go.
Bye!
Have a nice night.
~Jackie
2 Hermaphidites |
Are you a purple cow?
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sandatthebeach
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2004 11 October :: 8.08pm
:: Mood: perturbed
My cranky ass side it coming back. My super negative side is starting to show as well. I'm just stressed and blah.
TOM's an asshole. He can go fall of a cliff and drown.
2 Hermaphidites |
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2004 11 October :: 7.54pm
:: Mood: accomplished
i smell clean.
after a weekend of hell-like painting (or painting like hell),i can finally relax
oh and another good thing is that this is never read so i dont have to put it private.
and sweetest day is the sixteenth.
im gonna go buy neil a card.
i hope jen continued exercising while i was gone. i couldnt wake her up; i could hardly get up.
i miss neil...
good news: incubus is in november and i get to go down to see him!
bad news: that's over a month away. and he's not coming to see dracula. :(
my face itches...im gonna go find lotion and buy a card and hopefully get ahold of jen. i wrote her a letter and i want to know what she thinks. ill post it in here.
later
2 Hermaphidites |
Are you a purple cow?
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Anytngbtordinary
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2004 11 October :: 7.52pm
Kinda goes with the last entryish
"BACK 2 GOOD"
It's nothing, it's so normal you
Just stand there I could say so much
But I don't go there cuz I don't want to
I was thinking if you were lonely
Maybe we could leave here and no one would know
At least not to the point that we would think so
Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking about
Somebody else
It's best if we all keep it under our heads
I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do
But I'm lonely now, and I don't know how
To get it back to good
This don't mean that, you own me
This ain't no good, in fact it's phony as hell
But things worked out just like you wanted too
If you see me out you don't know me
Try to turn your head, try to give me some room
To figure out just what I'm going to do
And everyone here, hates everyone here for doing just like
They do
It's best if we all keep this quiet instead
And I couldn't tell, why everyone here was doing me like
They do
But I'm sorry now, and I don't know how
To get it back to good
Everyone here, is wondering what it's like to be with
Somebody else
Everyone here's to blame, everyone here
Gets caught up in the pleasure of the pain, everyone hides
Shades of shame, but looking inside we're the same, we're
The same
And we're all grown now, but we don't know how
To get it back to good
Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking 'bout
Somebody else
It's best if we all keep this under our heads
I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do
But it's over now, and I don't know how, guess it's over now
There's no getting back to good
~Matchbox20
Are you a purple cow?
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Anytngbtordinary
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2004 11 October :: 5.41pm
Wow.....everyone in Curry's Class...read chapters 90 and 91....they are nuts... whoa.....
So i had really weird dreams last night... there was something about going to another planet and when we got out of our spaceship (patrice and i) we were greeted by giant bunnys and one of them saw the giant sword i had and freaked out and was like "Kill them they have weapons!" So i took the sword and hid it behind my back and was like "No we don't" And the bunny was like "Ok Nevermind" Thats all i remember from that part of the dream though...darn.
The other part, I was wearing a band sweatshirt and had a trumpet in my hand. Stunkel and i decided to try and sneak in to the game with the band because they had good seats. The football feild was being redone so it was in a giant hole and the bleachers were really high up and confusing. Well Sutnkel and i walked in with the band, Sundell was standing right next to Stunkel who was holding a trombone. Then he walked past Stunkel and he saw me so all i did was smile hoping he wouldnt kick me out...but he did. So i had to try and find a new seat. I wanted a front seat but the only way to get down there was if you had a wheel chair. It had a weird wheel chair lift and my grandma (Who died last year) went past me, waved, and went down it. So i headed back to the band room and decided to join best buddies with Corey. So i joined that and it was fun and i liked helping everyone. So then at the next game we walked over to the feild but the whole group got ahead of me. So when i got there, they were down at the front...and i couldnt figure out how to get down there...so i left. Yeah it was weird...and i wont say who was in best buddies cuz that was weird too...
Then i had a part where Patrice and i went and recreated memories i guess...the ones we werent at...like vermonster...so we recreated that and i took pictures of it all.
The night before that I had another memory dream only this time i was doing a commentary on my memories to someone else... Yeah and i just kept saying what i was thinking at each moment with that person but they never said anything back. That was odd.
The other night, at 1 in the morning, i took every single stuffed animal out of my room and threw it into the den. It was really strange and i wasnt in the best mood...definitely not. They are all on the floor next to me right now...
I still dont understand why i did it...and why it made me feel even worse. I mean i guess i understand why it made me feel worse...ive always had stuffed animals in my room...and to have all of them gone all of sudden...all of them mean something...all of them have been given to me by some one. And the ones i have on my bed...theres 5 of them, a duck that sits in the corner then 4 more, 2 on either side of me. Its just weird because stuffed animals are like a comfort thing...you have them there and you cry to them about anything-stupid guys or your stupid family or your stupid friends... they know about any event your life and they dont say a word...they are just there and they can actually make you feel better sometimes.
I told a total of 2 people what happened that night...i don't know why, i don't feel like i should have... it was a horrible night and ive never felt more alone i guess...so maybe i decided to make that worse and throw all of my stuffed animals out of the room? I dont know. I didnt have a phone either...it was taken away...but even if i did...who the hell would i call? I mean come on! I realized that too during that night though... so i felt even more alone. Blah.
I want to be little again.
I want to be in grade school making stupid little art projects. I
I want to play with beanie babies and pokemon cards lol
And obsess over Spice Girls and Hanson...(I dont obsess over Hanson anymore...shut up lol)
I hate college
I hate family problems
I hate failing friendships
I hate feeling alone...
I hate crying
Help.
1 Hermaphidite |
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2004 11 October :: 12.09am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Disturbed- "Believe"
i might die if i see more gray.
there is too much gray in steel "ironworks" for ragtime.
i shall murder it.
i made this font gray but i wont look at it after i write it cuz i have to fix my resume.
no one told me that we were done and could go home so i was la de daing (cleaning brushes) and christine walks up. i guess ti was time to go. yea.
oh. goli pisses me off. she probably doesnt read this, no one does, but if she does then she can know.
i hate when people lie to you by saying that you are one of their good friends and that...and complain wehn you dont invite them to things even though you dont consider them "good friends". they are just those people who you say hi to in the halls, know a few things about, and could talk to for a few hours if need be.
i dont mind that she does that; whatever. but then, we get to allstate and now she just ignores me entirely. which, by itself, doesnt bother me at all. its the combination.
thats all now.
g'night...fixing resume now!
1 Hermaphidite |
Are you a purple cow?
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goose
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2004 6 October :: 10.06pm
if you could group all the people in the world into 2 groups which 2 groups would you put them into? excluding political groups and relijious groups and the obvious male and female...
2 Hermaphidites |
Are you a purple cow?
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Anytngbtordinary
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2004 5 October :: 12.39am
Speechless
I don't know what to say. Do I have to talk?
1 Hermaphidite |
Are you a purple cow?
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sweetyas
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2004 3 October :: 7.51am
:: Mood: nervous
My grandma just went to the hospital!!!
1 Hermaphidite |
Are you a purple cow?
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Anytngbtordinary
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2004 28 September :: 7.13pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: She Will Be Loved- Maroon 5
Mind if i cry out in pain in frustration? Well I'm going to. Its my journal. Not that my crying will do anything....especially in situations where things can't be changed...you feel like theres no where to move.
I shouldnt of watched the movie. Its so...amazing...but i shouldnt of watched it. I shouldnt watch it.
Have you ever thought about what would have happened if you had done something a little bit differently? Of course... i think just about every one does...but i mean...wondering what would have happened say if you... snuck out of your house when you were grounded or in the middle of the night to see someone or something. How much of a difference would that make? Would it make you realize anythign new? Just cause more problems? Probably yes to both. It just seems like my whole life right now has become memories...what with the movie, psychology we are talking about the mind and memories and what happens if part of your brain is damaged and how you could lose your short term and or long term memories. Then of course i'm just letting myself be overcome by them. I'm at a point right now where even good memories have gone bad. By that I mean...they all lead to something bad and crappy eventually. This movie is getting me to think too much.
Yeah so... I think i'm going to apply for a college far away. I hope that one day i look back on how im acting and just laugh...and not feel anything. I hope that all this...all these stupid feelings and crap will just become something for me to laugh at. One day all of this will mean nothing. Right?
"I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind."
I like that. I think I'm like her in some ways. I'd totally do that and act like that and say those types of things...
This probably won't be up long...so leave comments if you wish. They can be anonymous as well...I'd like to see what you all are thinking or hear some advice or just any thing. Thanks.'
~Jackie
5 Hermaphidites |
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2004 24 September :: 6.33pm
:: Mood: frustrated
i just told my mum how frustrating it is when she walks out when someone says something or plugs her ears or starts yelling back. she yelled but even you guys who dont live here know she doesnt really listen but she wants us to listen.
she started telling me to go do my homework. i cant believe she had the nerve to tell me to do that when everyday ive come home and said i cant talk i have to go do my homework. how can she say that when i come home and tell her how much i love school.
how can either of my parents tell me to clean my room or say its too messy when im doing more things than both of them put together.
i try to be so patient with them but i get yelled at for not being home for dinner.
on the other hand, i think im losing weight, but im sort of worried about it. i havent been sleeping adequetly enough nor have i been eating much...im always hungry and when i do eat, its not healthy. neil said i looked thinner and my pants are much loser than normal.
i really want to go run because ive been meaning to...but im too tired now although i still might...and in the morning i dont get up early enough. normally i dont have a moment at home. im awake here only about two and a half hours any way...and most of it is getting ready for school or work.
im really happy with how well my life has been going lately, contrary to how i was feeling the last month and a half or so. i hated myself and idndt want to do anything. now im fine but no matter how much i want to clean my room (its difficult to walk through), i dont have time or energy. i dont understand why my parents care so much, in fact, i figure they dont care. i think they have nothing else to complain about and so figure that its the only imperfection. im not sitting at home like mum, im not asking for significant amount of money to spend on nothing like tyler, im successful in what i want unlike my dad...and so i figure they dont know what else to say. im not around enough for them to pick apart my character and dont give them the opportunity to critique my life. all they know is that i am doing better than any of the rest of all my family did in high school, regardless of my lack of grades.
im feeling better now...this is a good destresser.
1 Hermaphidite |
Are you a purple cow?
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mudpiegrl
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2004 22 September :: 12.54am
Your Dream: job interview squirrel goose geese car
Words like job: Work on fulfillment. Frustrated or satisfied with life.
Words like squirrel: To see squirrels in your dream foretell you will acquire a few new friends and there is happiness in the home.
Words like geese: They might bring an extensive journey surrounded by good fortune.
Words like car : Personal power. Ego.
i think thats good...
Are you a purple cow?
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