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2004 29 March :: 6.48pm
:: Music: Blowin' in the wind- Peter, Paul, and Mary
The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind, the answer is blowin' in the wind
How long can I live like this? I'm not sure. I've been fighting for so long, and it's moments like this that I just want to give up. Pack everything up. Cut my losses. Go home.
If there is a place like that. I don't think I've ever been in a place that's felt like home. Not even my house. My house is strange. I feel like a stranger in it sometimes. I'm just drifting in and out, not really doing anything. My room seems strange sometimes. Like it's not really mine, like I don't sleep there every single night, and wake up there every single morning. Sometimes it just feels like I don't belong anywhere. I'm just drifting from place to place with nothing tangible to hang onto. It's frightening, sometimes, to not belong. To be feel like you're a stranger, even to your own thoughts. I just get tired of it sometimes. Tired of not really knowing anyone, except for maybe Jessie. I was so close today, but I didn't. I don't know why. I think I'm living on broken promises and borrowed time. It seems like it, at least.
-michelle-
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m&ms487
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2004 27 March :: 6.43pm
:: Mood: dirty
I went to SOLO ENSEMBLE TODAY
-michelle went to state solo ensemble today-
michelle got a division I.
hehe. i'm happy now.
dani and fred got twos, but they are also in a harder proficiency than me. i didn't get to watch them either.
the judge was sorta mean, but oh well. i got a one. that's all that matters.
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m&ms487
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2004 26 March :: 9.18pm
:: Mood: confused
I have a lot going on right now. I've been on the edge all week. It's hell.
I have solo ensemble tomorrow. State. I'm scared to death. I don't mind the sight reading part, or the scales, I just hate my solo. I hate it a lot. I think the only reason I hate it is because it's my solo. Probably. Oh well.
I guess he doesn't like me now. I can live with that. It'll take a while, but I'll deal. I always do........
About that whole "other" thing. Yeah, you guys know what I'm talking about. I don't even have to say it. As far as I'm concerned, everyone will eventually move on. And we all learned a few things. It will take time before things are back to anywhere near where they were. I think you need to know that, instead of just pretending that everything's ok. It's not. At least not between the four of us.
Jessies coming with me tomorrow. That makes me extremely happy. She'll keep me from having a nervous break down, which I am on the brink of. Lucky me.
-michelle-
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2004 22 March :: 11.52am
:: Mood: sore
:: Music: "Hey Jealousy"- Gin Blossoms
Thought
It's been wearing on me for awhile. Some people will just never comprehend. I want to say that we all operate on different planes of thought. It's all just very curious to me.
I could use examples from my own life, but I think it would piss people off. I'm not even sure they know that they do the things they do.
I know people who can't get past their base desires. They want to feel good and it doesn't matter. They do not know why they do the things they do. That is completely foreign to me. Not knowing why I am doing something. Everything must have a reason. In fact, it scares me to not know why I am doing something. Again, it goes back to me and not wanting to lose control.
There are also other people who are constantly flirting with the opposite sex. I don't think they know why they do it either. It's nice sometimes, but other times it's hard to understand. Why pretend you're interested in someone when you're really not? Do they ever think about that? Do they even attempt to understand how that makes other people feel? I've been told by people that I do think too much and I'm very conservative in my choices. I don't see a point in being with someone unless there is a serious future.
Then there are other people who just go through life to survive. I don't think they even have time to think on another plain. They are concerned with survival. I think that will be America's ultimate challenge, eliminate the need for people to worry about where the next meal is coming from. To me, that is the true measure of poverty. While I think about things like that, it does not consume. I hope it never does me, but it is a very real possibility that it will be part of life for the others mentioned above.
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m&ms487
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2004 21 March :: 9.06pm
| What makes you laugh?: | When someone says/ does something funny, or when I think of my past (mostly middle school) | | Who is your hero?: | Me | | Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?: | I...wouldn't. I like to have free movement of all of my limbs at times of my choosing. | | How many pairs of shoes do you own?: | 8 | | Seriously... Where does the other sock end up?: | The dryer monster a.k.a under my bed | | Who do you blame for your mood today?: | My parents. They have serious mental retardation issues. | | If the Internet were sex... I would: | Lick it, a lot. And do it over, and over, and over and over and over..you get the point. | | Have you ever seen a dead body?: | Yes. A few. | | What is something scientists need to invent?: | A cure for AIDS | | What should we do with stupid people?: | Shoot them in the head. Over and over. Many times. | | Have you ever broken a bone?: | No | | Do you watch local news? Why?: | Yes, because they're stupid, and I laugh at the "diversity" reports because they are so hypocritical | | What happens after you die?: | You're buried. Or they burn you. Or you're left to decompose in a spot of your choice. | | How big is your bed? Big enough?: | No, not big enough. I have a twin. It's small. Any boyfriend of mine will have to have AT LEAST a double. :) | | How long do you think you will live?: | Until I die. |
Random Thought Provokers brought to you by BZOINK!
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m&ms487
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2004 21 March :: 8.53pm
:: Mood: annoyed
I know you're out there somewhere. And I'm here. Typing this, waiting for you.
How pathetic am I?
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2004 19 March :: 8.58pm
:: Mood: calm
I was thinking about it last night. About Florida. About everything that has happened since then. When all of us got on that bus, we didn't know what would happen. We all had our expectations, our goals, of course, but what ended up happening was absolutely nothing of what we could expect. And how irevricably that has changed us, i can't even imagine. We are not the same people. Although we all came back, and for the past month we've been doing what we've always done. Wake up early, classes, jobs, friends, activities. But Florida gave us all a chance to be with people who we normally wouldn't have. To really got to know a lot about each other.
We did things that we loved, we did things that others don't even know about, and better yet, we learned what our actions can do, without anyone to tell us otherwise. Whether it was a good thing, or a bad thing (and i'm not just talking about my personal experience here, either) we still got to do it on our own. Our own choices. I think that's what has made the greatest difference.
But, now that we are back here, it's all gone away, almost as if everything that has happened cannot be spoken of, or acknowledged. We were different people, then, not influenced by the factors that are here. No matter how shallow that sounds, it's true.
I saw the truest nature of people when we were in Florida. It made me form new opinions and ideas. I loved it. But now we are back, and we are doing what we always do. My point? Don't get stuck in the everyday routine. You are a product of your environment. Perhaps, you don't even know who you are, only because you've been in one environment for so long. Change things up a little. Talk to people you wouldn't normally talk to. Enjoy it. Enjoy people. They are your future, they are your life. They are your influence, they are the people that will one day make the food you eat, the chairs you sit in, and the toliet paper you'll wipe your ass with.
Only the shallowness and unwillinglyness of humanity to change will be it's ugliness and sole downfall. Don't let it happen to you.
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2004 17 March :: 9.10pm
:: Music: maroon 5 - secret
yeah.
i feel awesome.
i have since second hour.
thank you kevin. and ms. eilola. and just, everybody, for being so good to me.
without you guys, and sometimes those of you who won't read this, i wouldn't ever make it.
now....
time to do some make-up summarizing.
rather ironic, considering i completely make it up anyway.
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2004 16 March :: 10.43pm
:: Music: pink floyd - sorrow
well. yeah.
this sucks, in a rather not nice way.
homework. girl troubles.
i thought i was past this.
who the hell was i trying to kid?
i don't think i've ever really gotten past anything.
maybe just ignored it for awhile.
but i always eventually succumb to my fears, and doubts, and natural tendencies.
it's stupid, but i still do it.
i liken my life to this bracelet that's on my wrist.
i got this bracelet in florida, on valentines day, at the pirates of the carribbean ride. it's one of those hemp ones, with seven beads, and when it falls off, you get some sort of wish, or whatever.
well, i really liked it when i first got it. it was new and exciting. plus, it looked cool, and it felt good to wear.
after a week or so, the beads got jumbled up, they weren't all nice and straight like before, but they were still pretty.
then, after about 2 weeks, the beads started falling off. the hemp started unraveling. the bracelet started loosening up, and becoming less comfortable, and less attractive.
it's been over a month now, and the thing is raggedy as shit, but i have one little strand of hemp left, and two beads.
it's ugly as sin, but it will stay this way the longest.
eventually, reluctantly, it will let go, and i'll be free of anything. no attractive. no ugly. just emptiness.
until i get a new one.
and it just cycles like that over and over and over again.
well,
i want a NEW ONE, dammit!
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m&ms487
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2004 16 March :: 9.38pm
:: Mood: confused
Sometimes I wonder what your intentions are,
I just want to ask you, "What the hell were you thinking?"
Because then I would know for sure,
And I wouldn't have to keep guessing.
If you came out and told me the story,
I wouldn't have to fill in the parts,
And make metaphors and big words,
To fill inbetween the lines.
So why don't I just ask you,
Exactly what you want,
Because I'm afraid if I ask you,
You'll be just as undecided as me.
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m&ms487
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2004 15 March :: 5.44pm
EVERYONE,
I don't know if you all know, but Gunny was really really close to shutting down woohu. I don't blame him. Thank goodness he has decided otherwise, but now i want all your wonderful people's help. I would really like to have some people make donations. I don't care if you want to give me a bag of pop bottles, I'll take care of it for you, and send him the money. Tonight I'm cleaning out my room for all the spare change and everything, so don't think I'm not doing anything. Anyway, I know how all you people love your journals SO much. So, please, even if it's only a dollar, it would really help. Thank you all so much!
--michelle--
p.s. If you want to send him some money, the address for his P.O. box is on his contact page. Thank you!
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2004 14 March :: 11.39pm
yeah. definitely bullshit.
on march 7, i had a positive outlook on my week, and look what happened.
maybe if i prepare for the worst, the few things i do that don't get shot to hell will be that much more gratifying.
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2004 14 March :: 11.12pm
:: Mood: bullshit.
:: Music: incubus - echo
Katie says:
i don't understand why i even bother
Katie says:
it never use to be like this
K. Cuppett and the Solar Experience says:
i don't know.
K. Cuppett and the Solar Experience says:
why do i even bother?
K. Cuppett and the Solar Experience says:
with anything?
K. Cuppett and the Solar Experience says:
it never used to be like this.
K. Cuppett and the Solar Experience says:
but it is now. and that's what i have to go
with.
Katie says:
ok
K. Cuppett and the Solar Experience says:
or some shit.
K. Cuppett and the Solar Experience says:
what the hell am i saying?
Katie says:
i'm not exactly sure
K. Cuppett and the Solar Experience says:
me neither.
Katie says:
i need to go to bed
K. Cuppett and the Solar Experience says:
okay.
K. Cuppett and the Solar Experience says:
i need to stay up late.
Katie says:
why
K. Cuppett and the Solar Experience says:
to finish this shit.
Katie says:
what shit
K. Cuppett and the Solar Experience says:
just go to bed.
Katie says:
what
K. Cuppett and the Solar Experience says:
i told you earlier. i'm not going to waste my
time telling you again.
K. Cuppett and the Solar Experience says:
it's homework, and other stuff.\
Katie says:
ok fine
Katie says:
i'm going
K. Cuppett and the Solar Experience says:
if you want to know that bad, then scroll up.
Katie says:
no forget about it
K. Cuppett and the Solar Experience says:
i'm just a touch .... touchy
Katie says:
night
K. Cuppett and the Solar Experience says:
night.
*
thank your lucky stars, every last one of them, that you are not my girlfriend. that goes for all you guys too.
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m&ms487
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2004 14 March :: 11.50am
The play is over with. I miss everyone already. We have strike today at two. It should be fun.
On another note, I've been waiting to say this, hoping it wasn't true, but i realized that night that it was...
You really need to get your head out of your fucking ass. You didn't realize how much I put myself out there for you, and now, there is nothing. But you don't even realize it, because you're too fucking afraid. I guess it never meant anything at all, none of it. I guess it's just wasted time now. All of it.
And you, you have no RIGHT to treat her like you do. You don't realize what she's like. You need to die. Right now, because after what you did, that's all you deserve. Go fuck yourself, in the ass preferrably.
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m&ms487
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2004 13 March :: 3.44pm
Yesterday was one of those days. You know you'll never have a day close to it whatsoever. It was tiring, but it was fun. It made me see a few people in a whole different way.
I love acting. I really do. I love being on stage, and the energy from the crowd...you have no idea.
It's like paradise.
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. ~Bill Vaughn
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2004 11 March :: 12.44am
:: Music: dave brubeck - somewhere.
you know, i always thought normalcy was a real word.
and i guess it is. but it was coined by warren g. harding in 1920.
not as old as i would have thought.
oh well.
i'm almost done with my essay thing.
summary.
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2004 10 March :: 3.16pm
:: Music: dav brubeck - Tangerine
i feel good, despite the fact that band practice wasn't quite totally awesome.
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m&ms487
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2004 10 March :: 12.24pm
I know I can do so much better than this, but really, what's the point of life if you can't be superficial SOMETIMES?..........
Yeah, so today was a half day of school.
Woohu.
I got six hours of sleep last night.
We had dress rehearsal for THE JUNGLE BOOK
(showing thursday, friday, and saturday 7:30pm in the high school auditorium, tickets are $7 and can be bought at the door, there, i did my shameless self promotion).
I was in full costume/make up, well, everyone was, but that's not the point...
So, i'm a wolf, and i can garuntee you my hair color isn't normally found in nature (I'm just a genetic mishap....), so we had to "dust" my hair with hair color.
It was suppose to wash out.
It took me an hour to wash it out last night.
I shampooed at least 5 times.
It was hell. And you can still sorta see where it's dark, that's why i wore my hair down today.
Sacrifices, Sacrifices.
Wind ensemble and Concert band is going to STATE festival. Woohu.
I love the music that we got...it's so great.
Anyway, i have another 5 hours before i have to go back to school, for another dress rehearsal, but this time, we get to have old people from METRON as our audience.....
I hope none of them have heart attacks during our play...and if you come to see THE JUNGLE BOOK, you'll see why i say that :).
Until then,
good bye.
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m&ms487
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2004 8 March :: 6.51pm
:: Mood: cold
My bad day, that didn't seem that bad until i thought of all the things that happened, and now i know why i feel like crying.
This is all getting VERY frustrating for me. Today was not a very good day. Not at all.
I was in a bad mood third hour and almost cried.
I didn't finish my outline for english, and we had to write an in class essay from it, as part of our test. The outline was also a grade. I made up so much shit......
It doesn't seem like i can talk to *person* anymore...all they do is ignore me.....or at least it seems like it.
Jessie is having a really rough day.
All the sudden in sixth hour my eye started hurting, and it's swelling up, and i have no idea whats going on, only that it hurts.
At lunch, everyone piled their trays on Baylee's because she was going on a trash run, and a cup of pop spilled on the table and got my pants and my sweatshirt all wet. My sweatshirt is still sticky.
I was talking to someone, and I told them some things against my better judgement...
Well, they told me some things too, so i guess it'll be ok.
I just want to go cuddle with some one and cry right now.....
really, i do.
eh.
-michelle.
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2004 7 March :: 11.02pm
:: Music: incubus - megalomaniac (on my journal!)
hey mr. j,
you're no fucking elvis.
right.
this weekend wasn't quite as bad as i thought it was going to be.
friday was lots of fun. i went to see hidalgo with katie, stephanie, bowman, and zach. we got pulled over.
saturday was practice. not the greatest. but not bad either.
and saturday night we filmed at brents. that was pretty fun.
um, what else. today i lazed around. i'm all caught up in trig now, and i actually understand the stuff we're working on now, which is weird, considering i didn't understand the stuff we studied at the beginning of the chapter.
i think my biggest accomplishment this weekend was in organizing all the papers on my desk, organizing my dresser, and taking care of most of my laundry. my room is the cleanest it's been since the florida trip. which i think was part of why i was so irritable.
hopefully i'll be better this week after i slept some and feel somewhat cleaner.
but now i have to go and take out the trash. then off to bed, so i can take a shower tomorrow morning.
faring well...
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m&ms487
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2004 5 March :: 8.02pm
:: Mood: curious
This post is from almost two years ago, at the beginning of my freshman year. I was looking through all my old journal entries to try to see just when things started to change for me. I realize now, that they never did change, there was just a brief interruption (meaning a whole year) where i was lost. But I'm getting back to where I was, and this is where I was. This was a paper I had to write for class, and when i read it, my heart just about broke, because I remember the girl I use to be, and sometimes it scares me to see how much I have changed.
WHO AM I?
Finding out who you are is an intricate part of everyone's life. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Who am I? All questions everyone spends years in meditation for and only few have found the answers, or have they? I believe at anyone one time you can be whoever you want to be. You are shaped by the events, which unfold, in your life and you shape the events, which unfold, in your life. These events shape and continue to shape a person throughout their life.
At anyone time I am somebody different. When I'm around my peers, I'm witty and smart-mouthed. When I'm around adults I am intelligent and a shameless show off. When I'm by myself, I am myself. Nobody knows me, not even me. I can usually combat that by keeping busy, being around my peers, and I am usually whoever they want me to be. If they don't like me, I may change into somebody they like. Mentally, this is unhealthy, I know, but sooner or later I will find an identity I like, or at least make one of many people. Being sure of yourself is just a mental game, you need no sense of who you are, just who the people asking who you are want you to be. If you satisfy their desire, they will be happy. Too many people in this world are unhappy; it's nice to know that people will accept you if you act the right way.
If I look too deep into who I am, I just find more questions. I find myself in memories looking in from the outside. I find myself in situations and pretend to be something that I'm not to impress people, or to find a way out. I am pessimistic, I am ignorant, I am naïve, but I know more than you will ever know about any one subject, of which you want to talk about, only because once I see you at work, I can become you. I can act like you. I can be the best actress in the world, and you won't know that I'm acting. It sounds scary, and sometimes it is, but it sure makes life interesting.
Everyone is always saying, "Be yourself, be an individual", and I believe it to a certain point, yet adapting is human nature, and you can't adapt to anything that you don't know what it is. I don't know what I am. I am everything, I am nothing, and so to say who am I? I must ask you first, who are you?
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m&ms487
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2004 5 March :: 7.21pm
:: Mood: frustrated
People
People are so fucking stupid in Cedar. They need to be shot. Many times. Over and over. In the head.
yes. that would make me feel better.
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m&ms487
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2004 4 March :: 6.10pm
:: Mood: confused
Things are really starting to get fucked up around here. Wait..not starting, it's been that way for a while. I think since florida, maybe longer. I don't necessarily mean fucked up in a bad way, but fucked up as in we are not normal people. Normal people would kill each other over all this. Instead, i guess we're friends again. Wow. I really never expected that.
Today was a really really long day. I'm tired. So i shall sleep.
Good night.
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2004 2 March :: 10.56pm
i was just looking at my very first entries.
it was enlightening.
how i, at moments, was so childish and stupid. yet, i would also suddenly burst forth in such adultlike wisdom, i couldn't believe it was myself.
the only successful conclusion i have drawn is that my infatuation with jessie wilde temporarily turned me into an emo kid.
that was over a year ago, september.
crazy.
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2004 2 March :: 10.00pm
:: Mood: wasted, but i'm ready
:: Music: n/a
clean before each load.
well. i'm doing laundry.
we got hungry howie's tonight, but katie wasn't there when i went to pick up the pizza, and bruce forgot to get flavor crust.
so, all in all, it was disappointing.
another disappointing thing was practice today. i really don't know what the point was.
i knew roman couldn't practice, and even if he could, it wasn't going to be for very long.
so i told kevin not to plan on practice tuesday.
i had thought that was the end of it.
but no. so i acquiesced, as always. and look where the fuck it got me.
to another late night. doing trig.
because i'm dumb.
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2004 1 March :: 6.34pm
Since i can't find the words right now to explain it, i'll use other's words.
I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had.
~From the television show The Wonder Years
The course of life is unpredictable... no one can write his autobiography in advance. ~Abraham Joshua Heschel
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2004 29 February :: 10.42pm
SHIT!
incubust is coming to town on july 7th!!!
that's like so soon. tickets go on sale sometime in june.
i HAVE to get ready.
meaning, i have to get money.
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2004 29 February :: 10.34pm
:: Music: incubus
this weekend rocked.
mainly because i didn't do anything.
but this week is filling up fast.
i just hope i'll be able to make it.
keep your fingers crossed.
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2004 29 February :: 3.36pm
:: Mood: bouncy
Yesterday I went to flute choir, and then after i got home from shopping, Jessie came and picked me up and we went to the movies with her sister and her friend. We saw 50 first dates. I doubt Adam Sandler can be in a bad movie.
I stayed the night at Jessie's. We stayed up until almost 2am. And talked. I realized just how much i talk about *insert subject matter here* and how much i *insert verb and use a pronoun for subject matter here*.
eh, it's just because i'm stupid. But i can't help it. Anyway, i have a ton of homework to do. Blah blah blah.
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2004 28 February :: 5.29pm
:: Mood: content
So Everyone, The Results Are In!
In a poll of 111 Cedar Springs High School Students of which 68% were on the honor roll:
IN THE PAST 6 MONTHS:
30% Have used marijuana
67% of those who used marijuana are on the honor roll
53% Have used alcohol.
72% Of those who used alcohol were on the honor roll
32% Have been intoxicated.
72% Of those who were intoxicated were on the honor roll
26% Have smoked cigars or cigarettes.
76% Of those who had smoked cigars or cigarettes were on the honor roll
14% Have used other illegal mind altering substances.
67% Who used other illegal mind altering substances were on the honor roll.
All those who used other illegal mind altering substances had also used one of the above (marijuana, alcohol/intoxicated, or smoked cigars/cigarettes).
9% Of those polled had used marijuana, alcohol, became intoxicated, smoked cigars/cigarettes, and had used illegal mind altering substances in the past 6 months at least once.
70% of those were on the honor roll.
56% of Cedar Springs High School students have participated in using drugs in the past six months.
44% of Cedar Springs High School students have not participated in any drug use in the past six months.
35% of students polled believes that marijuana should be legalized in the United States.
67% of those people were on the honor roll.
This survey/poll was completely anonymous and voluntary. Thank you for all those who participated.
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