godessalthena
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2009 5 March :: 10.22pm
RE: me
i hate how.. when i'm in the middle of a crisis.. it feels like i'm always facing it alone.
i cried today. i cried all day. there wasn't an hour that went by that there wasn't a tear on my face. some times i was full on sobbing, other times it's was the crying whine that i've developed.. but all fucking day i was crying or bawling.. at work, in front of everyone.
and only one person noticed.. or cared enough to say anything.
the worst part is that i didn't know what i was crying about. maybe it was about the fight last night, maybe it is just my medicine.. maybe it's the constant fighting with my friends and family.. maybe it's the stress of not fitting in at work.. maybe it's the fear that i'm going to be abandoned by everyone i love soon.. i have no idea, but..
i just can't stop crying. i've never felt this low in my whole entire life. i thought i knew what depressed was, but now i know, i had no fucking clue.
i have a problem. i huge problem. an addiction. i can't get it out of my head, i can't stop doing it. i just want to feel pain, i just want to hurt myself until i can't feel it anymore.. i want to hit myself and scratch myself and throw myself against walls and floors.. i just want to get the shit beaten out of me.. then maybe i'd stop being me. and i could be someone worthwhile.. someone i could love..
but every morning i wake up and have to look at myself in the mirror. i have to look at the scratches and scars on my arm and i have to live with it. i have to drive myself through traffic and avoid getting in an accident. i have to just wait until it's my natural time to go. i'm stuck in a prison. i'm stuck with the worst person i've ever met, and she's been with me since day one. and i'm so fucking sick of it. i'm so fucking sick of her. i don't even know who she is anymore.. it's fucking disgusting.
i have no one i can talk to. i have no one who i can just freely say these things. i have no way to get all these horrible monsters out of my veins so maybe i could feel human again. all i ever hear is "i don't want to hear it" "i don't need this right now" "you aren't any of those things" "you're beautiful.." etc.. etc.. and i just don't need to hear those things.. i just need someone to hold me.. and to listen to all the mean things i have to say.. and someone to just let me cry.. and cry and cry until i bleed.. so i can finally feel.. human.
but no one will. no one ever will. i have to pay to get that. and i want to pay to get that. i don't feel comfortable saying how i really feel to anyone but a paid stranger, because it doesn't matter if they think less of me or if they love me less afterwards, they don't matter in my life. they aren't someone who's important to me. and i know you're thinking "i won't think less of you, i won't love you any less" but it doesn't matter. that could be true, but it doesn't matter. it doesn't change the fact that you all scare the living shit out of me and i can't say the things i need to say to make me feel better.
i'm a prisoner of myself.
and i lost the key a long time ago.
i just.. want to leave this life. i want to leave this pain behind. and leave my monsters in the closet..
i just.. don't have the tools. or the opportunity..
and the two people who could help me, scare me more than any other people in the whole world. so i won't ask for their help. and i won't ask for their love. i'd rather suffer than disappoint them or feel rejected by them again..
.. (how did my life get so fucked up?)
i'm so tired of feeling alone.
i'm so tired of being scared.
i'm so tired of being disappointed.
.. i'm so fucking tired of me..
i'm sorry.
i really do love all of you.
i just fucking hate myself.
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godessalthena
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2009 4 March :: 5.36pm
work is getting to be so ridiculous it's scary.
and only a week until i start taking calls.
which is even more scary.
the worst part is i have to stick with this job because it pays so well and it fits my plans perfectly (money wise)
...
i'm so tired.
of everything.
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godessalthena
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2009 1 March :: 11.55am
......
i hate having friends.
(i sound like a broken record don't i?)
i think it's time to clean them out..
because i don't need bullshit cluttering what fucked up life i have right now.
but i won't make any rash desicions.
i'm just going to stop talking for a while.
and just.. live my life how i want...
i'm getting a tattoo soon! like.. sometime this week! i'm so fucking excited! i feel so happy with the way things are turning in the long run!
i mean.. I'm finally making paychecks and saving for the move that will save my life and my relationship.
i can finally buy my own groceries.
i can finally take sus on a nice date.
i can finally pay my bills on time.
i can finally stop worrying about how shitty my credit is going to get.
all of that stress is gone.
all the stress that has been making me a shitty friend has been lifted.
but for some reason, people couldn't wait to push me over the edge.
funny how that works..
and you know what..? they've changed a lot. now that my head is clear, there is OBVIOUSLY a personality change that has occured over the last year..
but we'll see how that pans out too.
well.. off to read depressing things to cheer me up :)
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godessalthena
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2009 25 February :: 7.55pm
i HATE my jealousy.
and i REALLY want to get over it.
feeling this way just disgusts me.
and i feel like i should be better than petty jealousy.
...
but i can't help it.
he's mine..
and i love him..
i really need to stop being so scared.. i guess it just.. feel like i'm so easy to replace because of my last two.. or pretty much everyone in my life.. and that's not his fault.. so he shouldn't be punished for it.
it makes him happy. so it should make me happy too.
i just.. get so scared that it'll end poorly..
...
(i need to be honest right now.. i know i say it a lot, but i feel so much more strongly that it's true now, more than ever.. life is completely futile and could be over any second. and that's it. it's worthless. and it makes me so sad..)
anyway.
i'll get over it.
or it'll kill me.
but either way, i'll come out on top.
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aerii
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2009 24 February :: 8.48pm
First windows down day.
Good stuff.
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godessalthena
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2009 24 February :: 6.18pm
taxes make me want to cry and scream and break things.
i just want this nightmare to be over with.
and to get paid.
so i can do things with my money.
like eat.
and.. buy things to make me clean.
and nice things people take for granted when they have other people paying for their things.
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godessalthena
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2009 23 February :: 8.54pm
i hate this roller coaster i seem to be permanently stuck on.
and medicine and alcohol don't mix.
they definately don't mix with that hamburger...
today.. was ok at the beginning..
and on the way home..
and the first part of being home..
..
but this stupid back problem is making my life so wretched.
i can't do anything i love.
i'm insanely out of shape..
and i'm getting fatter and fatter.
chronic pain is the worst kind..
and it's helping me step into a depressive pit..
that has no way out..
it rained today, which reminded me of seattle..
and made me miss it even more.
i miss it every day.. like crazy..
like to the point of tears..
i hate this place..
and what it's done to my relationship.
and to me.
i just want to run away.
and pretend that people didn't share my secrets with eachother.
and pretend that i didn't have to fight to keep my privacy.
and pretend i never did any of the things that make me throw up a little every time i think about them.
i hate my life.
(well.. most of it at least)
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godessalthena
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2009 18 February :: 6.25pm
i feel so much better than i did a few days ago.
i'm really tired though..
and i'm sick of work already..
but i bought some special treats with a gift card today!
so i'm happy.
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poisonedheart
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2009 17 February :: 1.42am
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed-upon duties, i.e., the illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation, at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every reasonable caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform, and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counterclockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in Step 1 of this document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above-described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of commerce and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm."
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godessalthena
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2009 16 February :: 7.24pm
FRIENDS PLEASE READ
ok.
i don't hate anyone. (except that fucking asshat dennis. sus would like to say hi.)
and i don't want anyone to move out.
i'm sorry if what i've been saying has been hurting anyone's feelings.
i don't think anyone involved understands why i was upset.
so you don't have to leave me alone.
JUST STOP SAYING THAT I HATE YOU AND I WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE.
because it IS NOT TRUE. and if you listened to me you'd understand that.
i'm sorry i've been being a shitty friend, but i need to put myself first or i will seriously HONEST TO GOD NO JOKE kill myself before august.
and i'm being completely serious.
so Lauren:
i don't hate you.
i don't think you ever "bother" me.
and I don't want you out of my life.
I just want you to understand I am going to be a shitty friend until i get a few paychecks under my belt and start rebuilding my credit.
to all of you:
the same applies as above.
i really hope it sinks in that i do love you, i just need some time to love myself right now before i slice my wrists open and bleed out in a warm bath tub. I AM BEING SERIOUS.
so. i love you. if you want to talk to me i'm here. i usually have my phone.
i'm unavailable monday thru friday @ 8am to 930am, 945am to 12pm, 1230pm to 230pm and 245pm to 430pm.
at any times not mentioned i am not in training and i can respond to calls or txts about anything you need or want to talk about.
again. I DO NOT WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE. I WOULD SIMPLY LIKE SOME UNDERSTANDING. as i will do for you if you explain what's going on.
if any of you are still confused about what i'm trying to say, please DO NOT HESITATE TO ASK ME ANY QUESTION AND I WILL ANSWER HONESTLY. and i will not blow up.
I PROMISE I WILL NOT BLOW UP.
(bold is for emphasis, not blowing up.)
i love you all. (except the douchebag named dennis)
<3 amelia
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godessalthena
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2009 11 February :: 6.27pm
i did my taxes wrong..
go me.
i'm so insanely stressed out.. i just want to crawl into a hole and never see anyone again.
but the nice thing is i'm too exhausted to really care about how stressed out i am.
i just really.. wish.. i never moved back to this black hole. i hate the people, i hate the boringness, the extreme weather, the music scene.. just everything about this place screams either boring or decay.
everything feels like an uphill battle.. i can't even sleep at night..
what's worse is i don't feel like i have any privacy anymore.. and the secrets i have.. (or rather had) are all out on the fucking table for everyone to look at with their fucking prying eyes..
i never thought i could feel like such a piece of meat.. but here it is..
me.
a big bloody mess.
and everyone poking their dirty fingers in it.
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godessalthena
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2009 10 February :: 9.23pm
so.. much.. stress..
and drama..
and i don't want to sound mean, but this is why i push people away..
i have so much on my mind, i don't need to have people whispering about me, even if it's nothing mean..
my bank keeps stealing my money and ruined my valentine's day.
my job makes me hate being myself.
i'm so.. just.. stressed out.
and i can't even cry without it being a big deal where only one person who hears about it actually tries to comfort me.
...
....
yeah...
idk..
can i give up yet?
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aerii
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2009 8 February :: 2.32pm
That's honestly the lamest excuse I've ever heard.
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poisonedheart
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2009 8 February :: 2.23pm
Audition tomorrow...I'm so nervous.
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godessalthena
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2009 8 February :: 11.45am
i love music.
tomorrow is my first day at work and i'm terrified.
but w/e i'll live.
i just hate new social situations.
did you know i cried every time on the first day of school until i was 15ish?
that's how much i love meeting new people.
valentine's day is soon and even though i don't have any money to do something nice, sus will love his present.
and it will be a good day finally.
i'm tired.. and stressed.. and my medicine makes me so bi polar it isn't funny.
and! we're already on season 3 of battlestar and that's no good :( that means soon we won't have anymore to watch and we'll have to wait to watch it every week.. UGGGHH and with commercials.. GOD.
haha..
w/e
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aerii
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2009 7 February :: 10.55pm
holy jesus fucking shit fuck.
LSDJFOWEJRLSKDJFOSDIjflskdfjoSDF
LJSOdifjoaskdfjlasdkfjlsdkfjsoafiejaslkdf
I think I pee'd a little...
Oh my god, today might be the best day of my life.
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aerii
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2009 5 February :: 4.40pm
Uh
I found 20 dolla.
stokage.
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godessalthena
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2009 4 February :: 5.21pm
i hate how everday, i step out of the shower and i see myself and the first thought i have is "oh my god, who is that ugly woman?!"
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godessalthena
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2009 4 February :: 2.48pm
i hate this.
i hate how i always feel like utter shit.
no matter what.
and nothing can fix it.
and i'm a total bitch to everyone
and all i can think about is dying or eating.
i just want to cry.
i hate my life sometimes.
mostly because i make my life a living hell.
i don't want my birthday to come.
i don't want anything to come.
i just want to crawl in a hole and fall asleep forever.
then i wouldn't offend anyone.
or hurt anyone's feelings..
or anything.
i would do nothing.
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poisonedheart
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2009 30 January :: 4.28pm
I finally got a job interview!
Monday 1PM at Appleway Subaru/Mazda.
Yay.
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aerii
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2009 30 January :: 6.48am
This weekend should prove be interesting.
One for the history books, so to speak..
Ahaha.
I wote a bitchin' paper on "Hills like White Elephants" by Earnest Hemmingway.
You should read that story btw.
It is also pretty bitching.
I've got to get back to outlining a shitty rough draft for my psych class :S
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aerii
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2009 29 January :: 5.35pm
"These days, living alone in Spokane, I wish I lived closer to the river, to the falls where ghosts of salmon jump. I wish I could sleep. I put down my paper or book and turn off all the lights, lie quietly in the dark. It make take hours, even years, for me to sleep again. There's nothing surprising or disappointing in that.
I know how all my dreams end anyway."
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godessalthena
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2009 29 January :: 5.11pm
things are looking up.
i'm insanely sick, i sound like i've been smoking for 30 years non stop and i can't breathe..
but man, brooke has a job and i have a job and rent is seemingly paid!
that means, with my next paycheck i might be able to go on a date (my first date since sometime in september) man i am excited!
and i didn't even need to talk to my parents..
yay!
well.. i don't really have much to say.. but i'm excited that things are going ok.
and that i'm not dead yet.
woo
....
......
i cannot fucking wait to move back to seattle.
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poisonedheart
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2009 28 January :: 8.03pm
I hate job searching.
I've applied for at least 100 jobs in the last few weeks and I haven't gotten a single freaking interview! I'm even applying in other cities now! This is bullshit!
Whatever, once I have some money, I'm leavin' this town and heading down south, setup camp in LA.
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godessalthena
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2009 24 January :: 3.35pm
Man, emotional rollercoaster.
it was so nice to see and hang out with my family.
i can't wait.. until things are happy and better again.
i hate how things are sometimes.
i also hate how i am so easy to read.
and how well i wear emotions on my face.
because honestly, i thought i was doing a good job not looking like i was crying or dying on the inside.
oh well haha..
I got a job. Making $12.75 an hour. soooo yeah! happiness.
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aerii
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2009 24 January :: 11.12am
I'm not worried.
It feels good.
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aerii
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2009 21 January :: 3.06pm
I don't get it.
Would you please explain yourself?
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godessalthena
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2009 19 January :: 11.45am
so...
i need to ask my parents for help.
or else my bills and credit card payment will be around a month late.
and that is all of my bills. like.. power, cable and phone.
but!
I cannot ask them for help.
do you know why?
because ever single time i ask them for anything it turns into a huge lecture about how it's my fault that i'm in this situation and that i'm a petulant child and i shouldn't have done it in the first place.
which really isn't a good lecture.
or one that i listen to anymore.
so i'd rather ruin my credit and what not than acutally ask for help..
how sad :(
i cannot wait to move back to seattle and settle there and live my life..
i just want to make it to 24 so I can get loans and start my life.
i really just need to make it the next four and a quarter years.
then i can really do it on my own.
so i guess at this point it's time for me to sit back and enjoy my life until i'm able to get it started.
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godessalthena
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2009 17 January :: 10.28am
I have an interview on Monday! Which I'm super excited about, but also very nervous about. I can barely remember individual incidences of my customer service because I talked to so many people every day! :/
But if I get this job I would be soooo happy! 14 weeks of training! Starting wage of at least $12! And a chance to transfer to the same job in Seattle! I can't really imagine a better job. And it's all inbound calls.. man.. I really hope I do well!
The one downside is it doesn't start until the 9th of Feburary.. :/ Which means I wouldn't get paid until the 4th week of Feburary :/ Which means I still will have bills and rent and stuff that I don't have money for.
Stupid economy. I wish I could have just stayed in Seattle and saw a doctor there instead of having to move over here. Grr...
Oh well..
Maybe this year I'll be an independant since last year I provided over 51% of my own income. Then I can get loans and go to the school I want to and get the career I want. Wouldn't that be grand?
HAHAHA like that's going to happen.
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godessalthena
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2009 15 January :: 11.41am
well...
i really don't know what to say.
i'm really just practicing typing to make sure i can still type since i don't do it all that much anymore.
i'm watching a show on history channel about drugs. and it is so ridiculous what the government ignores because it's a bunch of old rich farts who have everything they need to be happy and what to make life shitty for those who are poor. for example: in the eightys many many therapists were using estacy for therapy in couples with marrige issues and having great success. then someone decided to sell it to bars. and because of that, there was a court hearing about whether or not the drug should be banned. the judge ruled there was no proof that it should be made illict and ruled to keep e legal. the federal government didn't like that and over ruled the judge, forever banning e and any future studies of it.
totally fricken retarded.
w/e old farts.
i'm sooooo done with winter. and i'm soooooooo done with being unemployed.
god this sucks.
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