<center>pathos

pathos

:: 2008 7 November :: 11.20am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Phil Collins

My mood swings are taking me over.. and i don't like it.
i hate feeling super giggly and happy one minture, then the next i'm a sobbing mess. i wish i could just.. either not feel anything, or feel like a normal person.

Hanging out with Lauren today, which is a nice change of pace, seeing how i'm always just at home. I need to get out, even though this place is really nice.
I like having a reason to look all pretty.

my hip.. my back pain is frustrating.. sometimes it feels amazing and then other days it hurts no matter what i do. my epidural is soon, which is great, cuz hopefully it will just get rid of all this stupid pain and i can start working on fixing it without agonizing pain! yay!

but I can already walk and do things. I'm not totally immobile like i used to be, which is great, and already has helped with my mood..

now to just get rid of stress.. of money.
damn money.

Brooke's going to stay with me in january! I'm so excited! I can't wait to finally see her again!! it's been so long..

i love the land before time.

today feels happy.

3 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2008 5 November :: 2.29pm

tacos tonight.
hell yes.

i got a job, start on the 24th (which means we won't have rent.. again)
wooo...

house warming party soon!
biznatches!

3 = | +

aerii

:: 2008 5 November :: 9.03am

some of myspace's reaction to our president
"Crystal Anne thinks she's gonna be sick. How did HE win... America is screwed"

"Well... for those of you who don't pray, now would be the time to start
Welcome to (Osama) O'Bama's America. This country... is screwed..."

"black president? really?? this guys gonna get JFK'd for sure hahah
for fuck sake his middle name is OSAMA!!! didnt that guy bomb us?"

Seriously?
I cannot believe that some people can think like this.
Even if you don't like Obama, at least know what the fuck you're talking about when you try to make a point against him.
It makes me sick to see people this bigoted, and I'm really surprised Obama won in a country where a lot of people still have problems with someone because of the color of their skin or even stupid details like a middle name.

So, I guess if you really think "America is screwed", then why don't you get out or do something about it instead of sitting on your punk ass, complaining about it on myspace.

We should believe in our leaders, not matter what. Even if we didn't vote for them, even if we don't agree with everything they say, even if we don't like the color of their skin or their sexual preference. Leaders are here for a reason and without them I'm pretty sure you'd be far worse off right now. This man is leading your country, have a little faith.

2 = | +

poisonedheart

:: 2008 26 October :: 1.35am

I feel so alive! woooo

godessalthena

:: 2008 25 October :: 6.58pm

stress is going to make my arthritis worse and my face grow ugly faster.

if anyone has some money to help me out with that would be amazing.
and i will pay you back.
but i know everyone is just as broke as me..

i'm just sick of feeling like this..
stressed, old, and worthless..

[ edit ]

you know how some days you just are feeling like utter shit.. and then you hear something that makes you insanely happy.. but in ten mins the shittiness of your life has taken back over your mind and you feel even worse than before?

that's what today and yesterday have been..

and i just want to hide. and disappear. and die.
and i hate feeling like this.
because life should make you happy to be alive..
and all i can think about is how badly i just want to not be alive anymore..
and i don't want to feel like that.
i just want to be happy and do the right things to make me happy.
why is it so hard?

it just isn't fair.
i know everyone says life isn't fair.
but this is just completely unreasonably unfair...

someone hates me.
a lot.

to that person - fuck you.

1 = | +

redefinedgrace

:: 2008 22 October :: 6.20pm
:: Music: Read My Mind // The Killers

We talked for like three days and then all of a sudden crickets.
What the hell happened?
What did I do?

godessalthena

:: 2008 15 October :: 9.37pm

i kind of want to die.

like really, really bad.

5 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2008 15 October :: 7.59am
:: Mood: tired

let me sleep...
So apparently the doctor who's supposed to be looking at my disk isn't going to be back to work til thursday.. :/ which is like.. wtp... i'm not too happy about that.. and my back is hurting more than it has in weeks.. and i've been going to bed around 3 every night and waking up at 5 or 6 every morning since i moved.. and in that short period i'll dream about messed up things that i can't even remember but prevents me from actually resting while asleep..

and i miss sus something fierce.. i can't remember ever missing someone as much as i'm missing him right now.. i feel terrible because on the phone all i can do is complain about how much it sucks here, even though i'm the one who wanted to move..

I hate when you think about the plans you made.. and then realise you're being an idiot after you made the change.. like what i did.. but at least i know my back will get fixed eventually over here.. rather than just waiting over there.. but boy do i miss over there.

my hair is pink now. which drives me nuts. i hate pink hair. i want to just put some more dye in it but i'll stain all of the white bathrooms. i don't get why ppl make bathrooms white.. wouldn't it make more sense to have bathrooms be a darker color so it's easier to hide things bleach won't get rid of?

it's only wednesday. i have to wait til at least saturday to see him again. it feels like i'm never going to see him ever again. :<

this is the worst week ever.

2 = | +

poisonedheart

:: 2008 13 October :: 5.41pm

Yay, getting drunk tomorrow, I love alcohol.

godessalthena

:: 2008 13 October :: 3.14pm

i hate how often my heart feels like it's breaking..
it always happens right after a moment of intense happiness...
generally after a realisation..

but it's like.. my heart just feels like it's going to crack right down the middle.. and then i get vicious and snap.

but people are being stupid and they deserve some push back.

i think spokane awakens a lot of feelings from a long time ago..
it makes me feel like the person i used to be..
not the person i want to be...
i think that's the real reason i didn't want to come back here..
it isn't that seattle is cooler and has more to do and has better weather and whatever..
it's because over there i know no one..
i was free to be whoever i wanted..
and i had no feelings preassigned there..

but over here..
i have best friends and family who only know the old me..
and i'm afraid to think or feel any different from when i was living here..
and now i'm stuck..
inbetween the old me and the me i want to be..
and i'm scared to go either way..
because i hate who i was.
but i would hate to disappoint the people here..
i'm turning into someone so awesome..
but part of me feels like the people here won't understand..

i know for a fact a few just won't..

i just want to be done with school and move away again..
and stay away until i'm strong enough to be myself..
i just wish..

i wish i wasn't so fucking scared.

4 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2008 13 October :: 8.42am

So... Spokane..

what do I say..?

i can see why so many people here smoke pot.. or do meth..
there really isn't much else to do haha...

The Dr. is getting my MRI films today and at that point he'll be able to decide what he can do for me and what we need to do..

last night i had a conversation with my dad.. it's nice to know that my parents really do care about me, even if it's in a weird way i don't understand.. i know they love me because they want me to be happy.. they are doing the best they can.. and that's nice to know..

I'm so exhausted.. I can't sleep and when I do I have nightmares..

Two nights ago: Rape dream..
Last night: got stabbed seven times and the phone couldn't dial 911...

wonder what tomorrow's dream will be...

:/ I just want to get better and start working again..

godessalthena

:: 2008 9 October :: 11.08am
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: reach for the light haha

secrets
so for those of you who didn't know or if i didn't say..

I went on a trip to alaska to meet sus's mom and stuff..
it was really great and i really really enjoyed myself there..
the weather was a lot like spokane, and it smelled wonderful..
and it was clean and not polluted..
and i felt really happy seeing so much beauty everywhere..
his mom is really sweet and is really a good woman..
and i'm so glad i went.

another thing i haven't really told anyone:

I'm moving back to spokane for at least a year.
I'm going to be leaving seattle next saturday, so on the 18th I'll be back in spokane..
I'm coming home to get treatment for my herniated disk and to go back to school..
Sus is moving back there with me.

Another thing i haven't really clearly stated:
Sus and I are dating now
and he makes me so so so happy it's great..
and I finally have the impact i always wanted on someone's life..
and it makes me feel better than anything ever has made me feel..

so..

idk...
there isn't really much to say..
I'm so stressed out over everything i have made myself really sick..
so i'm trying to find ways to calm down, but it's hard to be home alone all day.. doing nothing..

i just really want to be happy.
wish me luck..

see you soon..

2 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2008 8 October :: 9.59am

stress is really running high for me..
have to call my mom today..
been having nightmares last two nights..
headaches..
auditory hallucinations..
my back feels like crap...

and i know we can't all be happy.
and i know that some how or another i am going to break everyone's hearts.
and i know i'm going to be around for it, which is the worst part..

but! the good news is..
out of this whole mess..
i'll probably get a new rag doll kitten and that's so exciting!

i'm ready to pass out, my head is killing me..

1 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2008 7 October :: 7.32pm
:: Mood: depressed

Deep in the night
the winds blow cold
and in a heartbeat
the fear takes hold

Deep in the storm
there's a place that's soft and still
where the road waits to be taken
if you only will

The voices inside you
can lead your soul astray
Believe in what you dream
Don't turn away
don't you turn away

Reach for the light
You might touch the sky
Stand on the mountaintop
and see yourself flying
Reach for the light
to capture a star
Come out of the darkness
and find out who you are

Somewhere in time
the truth shines through
and the spirit knows
what it has to do

Somewhere in you
there's a power with no name
It can rise to meet the moment
and burn like a flame

And you can be stronger
than anything you know
Hold on to what you see
Don't let it go
don't you let it go

Now, there's no turning back
when your destiny is calling
Listen to the thunder roll
and let your heart break free

Reach for the light

1 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2008 7 October :: 2.06pm

fuck this,
if i ever get the chance i'm dead

1 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2008 1 October :: 2.40pm
:: Mood: depressed

i hate when i get in these moods.
where i think i'd be happier if i was depressed..
and when i want to be all alone and never see another human being again..
it makes me feel so guilty to have some.. me time..
if you could call it me time..

to have some time where i'm not happy and i'm not trying to make sure everyone else in my life is too.
it just gets so hard to be happy all the time..
and to just pretend like the shitty stuff in my life isn't going to eventually happen..
or that things aren't shitty right now..

i think a lot of this feeling comes from not having a job.
and from having debt..
and not being able to go for walks.. or even sit outside.
i can't do anything i really love doing..
and it's really depressing..

i can't even sit up long enough to paint...
idk.. i feel alone..
and i miss how my life used to be.
i miss having a life.
and i miss feeling like.. i'm not just an.. antidepressant..

i just feel worthless and useless right now..
and i just want to pretend like i don't exist.

1 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2008 30 September :: 10.20am

man..

best date ever.
period.

too bad life can't always make me that happy..

1 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2008 12 September :: 3.32pm

my hip seriously hates me.
today.. is my first day off where i am alone at sus's place.
and it is so so so boring..
and so so so full of sleepy sleepy time.
and it is nice..
but kinda sucks..
:/

4 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2008 5 September :: 5.41pm

i know i say this a lot..
and i only say it because it's true..

i hate my life.

i just want to sit and cry forever right now.
and i want someone to help me.
but i don't want anyone i know to help me.
i want a stranger to help me.
and to show me that love is real.
and that my life isn't meaningless now that love doesn't exist.

a
life
without
love
...
that's terrible!

too bad...
it's true.

i'm just so done pretending to love..
pretending that faerie tales are real..
no one ever feels like the stories..
and if they do it is only for a second..
and then they start feeling like they are dying.

what is the point of that..?

w/e.
i need to just accept that i can't be helped.
and that i probably don't need help.
because everyone feels the way i do at least sometimes..

8 = | +

aerii

:: 2008 3 September :: 8.50pm

I always hate the end of summer, but I guess it's different this time because I have no where I need to be.
I feel like I wasted my summer, but I know that isn't true. I just can't help but feeling like things could be a million times better I could be doing something right now instead of watching the National Geographic channel and updating stuff on the internet.

I hate thinking like this. Things are the way they are and that's it.
I hate thinking about how things could be different and how much I want things to be the way they were.

ahahsldkfjsldkfj
I need to not think about this anymore.

sdlfkj

godessalthena

:: 2008 30 August :: 5.22pm

i don't like making big choices.
and there's going to be a few i need to make..
and it's going to suck.

:/ shitty life.

2 = | +

poisonedheart

:: 2008 23 August :: 11.10am

I hate you.

2 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2008 19 August :: 11.50pm

today was not beautiful.

well, not all of it.

but the part where we almost died was.
haha

4 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2008 18 August :: 11.34pm
:: Mood: happy

i haven't felt this happy in a very, very looooonnnngggg time...

i just made dinner. i actually cooked dinner all by myself.. and it was just like i remember it when we used to eat it at home..
i made it perfect...
and WAY too much of it haha..

idk.. nothing can bother me right now..
i'm just..

things in my life will work out.
and i'm finally starting to be me.

and it feels really, really good to finally... FINALLY.. meet myself for the first time..

and just think..
i would have never, ever found this feeling if i stayed in spokane..
if i had stayed at tacobell..

really to be completely honest..
sus has really, really changed my life..

and to think.. i didn't think we'd be friends.
i'm so glad i was wrong.

i love it when people come into my life..
and fix it.
without doing anything..
but loving me
and letting me know that i can trust them..

life is just so beautiful.
and everything in it is too..

and i'm beautiful.
and amazing..
and if you can't see it.
then you should go shove it
haha

2 = | +

poisonedheart

:: 2008 15 August :: 12.50am

Thank god Joe broke the clippers, I had an uncontrollable urge to shave all the hair off my head, but I've done my scalp using a razor before, it's too annoying with hair longer than stubble, so my eyebrows and hair remains intact, just did normal shave.

poisonedheart

:: 2008 15 August :: 12.23am

I'm so depressed right now, I just want to find a comfortable hole to go crawl into and die.

1 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2008 12 August :: 10.23am

i really wish i didn't exist right now..

nothing feels right..
no one feels right..

everything is wrong and i feel so mad.
and angry..
confused..

i just want to scream and be away from all the awfulness in the world.
and all the horrible things that make me hate myself..
and the people who make me hate myself.

i really, really just hate myself right now.
and i don't really have anyone to talk to.
so i'm sol until i stop hating myself and go back to being happy.

suck city folks.

3 = | +

godessalthena

:: 2008 11 August :: 10.07am

i really don't know what the hell i'm feeling right now.
should i be sad?
or happy?
i hate this.

godessalthena

:: 2008 10 August :: 8.58am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: DEPRESSING SHIT KIDS

all things must come to an end.. i guess.
So it's over.. It really is just over..
....

It was really funny.. we were sitting on the couch talking about what the best thing to do was.. and we're both just sitting there thinking "shit.. fuck.. it's over.." and it just starts POURING rain. seriously cats-and-dogs style. first time it's rained like that since winter..
SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK??
so i was like.. wow.. i really hate when i get my way..

he almost cried.. and i cried a little.. and then i was like.. "Uhm.. idk what do to.. i'm going to go kick it with tammie and her bf.." and he was like cool i'll go program.. and i just left..

idk.. so i spent most of my evening shopping with tammie for random crap.. then we went to the bf's and ate potatoes and steak.. and i wanted to cry so so so soooo bad, but i didn't because i didn't want to seem like a loser..

i know i look really strong. and i know that i never cry anymore.. but this really, really hurts sometimes.. i know it's for the best... and i know we've honestly been broken up for a while before we actually said anything.. but that doesn't make my heart hurt any less..

so i'm moving out in September.. and moving in with tammie.. and it's going to be sooooo much fun! but until then i'm still living with him.. and it's weird..

last night i came home and went straight to bed.. i was so upset i forgot to lock the door.. he was at the store.. idk.. i had the worst feeling driving home and walking towards the door.. it was so horrible.. "i'm going to be alone.." all the lights were off.. i just brushed my teeth and layed in my bed.. and i just.. my kitty was trying to make me feel better, i just started crying.. but it wasn't like sobbing.. just quiet crying for about.. 2 minutes.. then i stopped.. idk why but i just didn't want to cry anymore..

then he came back from the store and layed down next to me.. "were you crying..?" smile.. i laughed "yeah.. maybe a little.... ... How do you feel..?" he smiled and was like "i feel ok.. how about you..?" i laughed again and said "i have no idea.. heartbroken i guess.. bad.." then i laughed again "it isn't supposed to feel good when you get dumped, right?" and he laughed a little "my heart is broken too.." and we both laughed a little.. you know.. the like.. 'i'm only laughing right now because i have no idea what else to do' kind of laugh..

.. and it hurts still..
but.. i have no idea..
i really don't know..
but whatever happens..
there's always the future..

i still love him.. and i know he still loves me..
it's just that the world hates us.
if only i had stayed in school..
we're like romeo and juliet, only not stupid.

so.. yeah..
i'm done for today.

1 = | +

poisonedheart

:: 2008 6 August :: 6.01pm

Julius is now a disabled war veteran.
=(

2 = | +