swimfan14
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2005 27 May :: 3.38pm
I can't erase you from my past, I can't delete you from my mind, all I can do is say goobye. I can't pretend you were never here. I can't fake it like it didn't hurt when you disappeared. I refuse to use a fake old grin but then again i'll never win. I can't pretend that I don't care, I can't pretend that you are near so I guess I'll just pretend to say goodbye.
Words Of Hope?
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brokenmentality
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2005 27 May :: 12.16am
i forgot to tell of tuesday...
so i walk out to my car in the morning.. .and when i get in there's a rose on my seat. because tuesday was 6 months.... i had no idea when he got out there to do it.. but it was so sweet.
i have my senate meeting.. go up to my locker, and suprise.. there's a rose in my locker... im like awwwww.
3rd hour i walked in and there was one on my computer.
keegan picked me up for lunch, and there was a rose in his car... he then brought me to the park (where he asked me to be his girlfriend on the first snowfall of the season.... how perfect is that!..) where we sat and ate our BBQ snackers because we've become obsessed with them.
after 5th hour i found another rose in my locker, and then when he picked me up he had another one in his car. that made six... and it was by far one of the sweetest things i've ever experienced... awww.
we dont really make a big deal out of months and such.. but this was just so sweet, and half a year.... and even though so far it isnt my longest relationship... its my best relationship because i can FEEL the depth to it. all he has to do is squeeze my hand or merely look over at me while he's driving.. and im just overcome with this incredible emotion. but its more than that.... because at times i forget that keegans my boyfriend... he's more of a best friend. he knows my secrets, i can girl talk with him... and he LISTENS, only occasionally making fun of me, i can wear anything or look anyway... and most importantly... he just genuinly cares. thats what friends do... im just lucky to have a boyfriend that fulfills both roles.
today i went into kent city with his mom because he wasnt home yet, and we just gabbed the whole way there.... i had to pick up a skirt from alyssa, it was so cool. im just so comfortable around his family... i FEEL like im part of the family! that means so much to me ,that alot of times im just included no questions asked. just simple things, like they're all going out to dinner and she asks... well isnt erika comming? it just makes me smile is all... and i cana be giddy, im a teenager, thats my job.
UGH.. erika GO to bed.
"fine"
1 Chance |
Words Of Hope?
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brokenmentality
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2005 26 May :: 11.59pm
graduation tonight...
its hard to knowingly let people go. to see them for the last time as they go on their way... but i could be happier for them.
my best friend graduated tonight, and i couldn't possibly be sad for me and the reasons that I'LL miss him... but instead proud of the person he's become and IS going to become.
i cant seem to find the energy to get off the computer and go to sleep.. instead i'll sit here mindless for a few more minutes.
shelby graduated from pre-school today.... she thought it was pretty cool that her and keegan graduated on the same day. that little girl idolizes keegan i swear.... all the time its "keegan this" "keegan that" "the worm dance" laughs.... she gets a kick out of all the different dance stuff he does... then again so do i... giggles*
my mom and i got into it again about car insurance tonight... bahhh.. whatever.. i havent paid it for 11 months.. why start now, and why bug me about it?
well... i guess know is the time where i yawn profusely.. misuse a couple of words, and jump in bed.
i went to gorters for a little bit tonight.... *smiles. he's a good guy.
night kids.
Words Of Hope?
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swimfan14
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2005 26 May :: 10.10pm
:: Mood: tired
After today, what I heard,
I really don't like him anymore. It's all or nothing
Today was a bad day. In drama we were in the auditorium and all the seniors were walking by and H was standing in the hallway and so Brittani Matthews, Brie, and I were trying to go in the hallway to say hi to some of our friends but H wouldn't let us so we just stood behind him and then Andrea walked by and waved so I tried waving back to her but H just closed the door and wouldn't let us so we got pissed so we were going to go up at the top of the stage and go down the side stairs but then we knew we would get caught so Brittani Matthews and I went backstage and went out the side door and we seen some seniors so we were talking and when we walked back in and it was dark so I tripped on this metal brick thing and then she ran into the curtain ropes so we were laughing and we came out and H was standing right there waiting for us and he asked us what we were doing but we made up some lie and he knew that so he made Brittani and I sit down on the side of the stage. It was bad, he was in a bad mood and then yesterday Brittani Matthews and I had to have a talk with him because he said we've been screwing around, which isn't always true. Brittani and I have been hanging out a lot now, we never have before but shes really cool. So anyways today Justin, Kourtney, Me, Katy, Ari, Ashley, and Steve went out to lunch and Mrs. Scott seen us leave and she was standing right there and she didn't even care so we left and then I got back in and I was walking with them and Mr. H was standing by the auditorium and he goes "Little One, you can't go out to lunch" and I kept on walking and ignoring him, which didn't help and I'm like "okay..." and then he told Mrs. Wilde so now I got detentions from him. He knows everyone else besides Justin and Steve are sophomores but of course, I'm the only one who got detentions. It really pissed me off. Hes so dumb sometimes I swear. I didn't even know I was going to get a detention I thought I would get a warning since for everyone elses first time going out thats what they get and of course in 6th hour like 20 minutes before it was time to leave I get a detention and it said that I had to serve it by today. I was like fuck that I'm not serving it today and I'm not serving it period. I really will find my way out of this, I find my way out of everything. If nobody else got in trouble, then why should I?
2 Chances |
Words Of Hope?
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jennapie
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2005 26 May :: 3.31pm
Today sucked, tonight better be better, or else I'm going to cry, I really will. I NEVER have bad days, what's going on? and why does everyone have to yell at me all the time? I think I'm going to lay on my bed, I dont know what else to do, I couldn't even get anyone to the mall with me....do you know how boring it is to0 wander around a mall by yourself? and then when i get back to Cedar.......I get yelled at again by the yearbook advisor...how wonderful.....it's not like I didn't have anything else to do today.
Why, what did I do to you, what makes you think that you can act like that to me? I was only trying to be nice, and I get yelled at and made out to feel like a complete loser that nobody wanted around. I didn't realize that I was THAT horrible. I'm sorry, you can bet your sorry ass that I won't make that mistake again. I guess I won't try.
ugh! Somebody save me from this!!!!!!!!!
Words Of Hope?
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kellilynn21
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2005 26 May :: 2.44pm
:: Mood: sad
Nothing Is Getting Better.
Im so fucking stressed. I can’t take this anymore.
I fucking hate exams… their all dumb, all of them! We already took a test on this stuff… why do we have to take another fucking one? UG- sorry I’m just really… stressed out. I can’t do anything but cry, because I know I’m not gunna pass like any of them. Biology and BMMT is going to be so hard. Even if I study I know I’m not going to get a good grade. The highest ill like get is maybe a C-. I know I sound really negative about it, and with that kind of attitude I’m defiantly not going to pass, but ya know what- I’m getting in touch with reality. I can’t do this anymore. All this stupid shit. Every class just keeps throwing EVERYTHING at me. Ug.
On Another- Sad Note: Graduation tonight. I’m happy for them all but really sad at the same time. Hopefully I can still hang out with the ones that I’m gunna miss the most.
*Congrats To All Of The Seniors… Great Job*
*Tears…*
Again- Sorry For The Bitching.
5 Chances |
Words Of Hope?
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breezeyluvsu
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2005 26 May :: 12.50pm
I guess its better you trapped yourself in your own ways. And if you want me back... your gonna have to ask nicer than that.
Graduation night. Me and amy are going together. Ashley youde better call me cos amy has an extra ticket chiquita.
Theres not much else to say. Im sad yes. Im broken yes. Ill get over it...
Probably not any time soon.
2 Chances |
Words Of Hope?
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whispers
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2005 26 May :: 10.40am
:: Music: kelly clarkson - behind these hazel eyes
[ final decision ]
i'm not gonna be your friend anymore. have a great life with kevin, jacki, tj, and.. whoever else. an apology just does not cut it. it would have.. if it wasn't a week late. i'm not mad anymore, i'm disappointed. that my friend.. from 11 years.. would do something like you did, and let him treat me that way, and completely ignore me when i'm within 2 feet from you for a whole night. i'll be nice tonight, i won't say anything. infact, i won't say anything to you after tonight either.
you can't fix the damage that you caused. if you don't think it hurts me to know that i spent 11 years, sticking up for you when people would talk shit about you, and being there as much as you'd let me.. you're wrong. i don't want to be alone, but i will be. i'm not going to degrade myself because i feel left out. let me feel left out. truth is i don't want you to be with kevin. what kind of friend will be with somebody if he's just going to talk shit to me or.. about me? that's not right. i would never be with somebody if they ever talked that way to you. never. i'm not happy you're with him, but i'm a nobody to all of you so it really doesn't matter what i think.
that night.. saturday.. the 21st. i did do a lot of shit. no, i'm not blaming you, i'm blaming you and everybody else that lied to me.. and told me they wanted me around. fuck that. if you didn't want me to feel left out, that whole night was the complete opposite.
we're done, and tell your mom i said sorry. i'll see you around.. maybe.
- Jejuan
1 Chance |
Words Of Hope?
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swimfan14
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2005 25 May :: 3.30pm
Here we are back to stage one, back to were we started. This isn't what I expected. I expected a little more actually but I guess thats what I get for expecting something when it wont happen.
The difference between me and you is that I'm trying and your not.
Shes not fine, your a fucking moron to think that she is fine. I swear he is so stupid sometimes. I'm sticking up for you so much Brianna you have no idea. I never stick up for anyone, not even myself!
But anyways.
In drama Cory and I were playing dodgeball it was fun and then today Kevin came and seen me! I was so happy and then today during 5th hour Elyse and I were in the halls cleaning our lockers and Shelby came into school today too so she just hung out with us until she got in trouble. I was so glad to see them.
Today I couldn't stop thinking about it. Should I be happy? Shouldn't it make me happy? I started being happy and just accepting things for the way they are going to be but then something ruined it, what that was, I don't have ac clue. Even though its killing me I gotta see the things the way they are, not the way I wish they would be.
I really really want to talk to you but I can't tonight. I've been doing hmwk for like 3 hours and doing all my exam stuff. I need to go to bed but I guess I'll just have to wait then to talk to you.
I can't go to graduation tomorrow even though I was supposed to go but I have my photo shoot stuff to finish in Lansing at 4:00 and I don't know how long it's going to take and besides, graduation just makes me cry and realize that I wont see these people again after that anyways so I guess i'll skip that sadness.
But I'm going to go do more homework. I swear i'll be up to 12 again tonight. I always am now. People call me at like 11 now.
Oh and chloe or corbin calls me everyday .its cute. she called me yesterday morning while we were in school at like 7:35 but I still talked to her for like 10 minutes because Mrs. Millard never noticed I was on my phone.
Words Of Hope?
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whispers
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2005 25 May :: 3.16pm
:: Music: tupac - black cotton
[ graduation babyyy ]
alright, so that's tomorrow, but i'm psyched. i got my hair & nails done, already effed up my nails, but i'll survive so long as i don't look at it. :) um. let's see. i'm in a pretty okay mood for.. wanting to off myself lately. j's been.. helpin me out with that. yes, i'm talking to him again, but that's it. we argue about.. him comin up here sometimes tho. or.. well.. not comin here. whatever. but i'ma stop all that and just move on. you can only wait for somebody for so long, and if he got marlene.. he don't need me. soon, he won't have me at all and he can jus live the rest of his life without havin to think of me. i'm just waiting for that night to come. it should be soon cause my life is shit and that will be the muscle in my arm to pull the trigger.. once i get the gun.
um.. so yeah, after tomorrow i won't have to see any of those people again. none of them, if i don't want to. which.. a good 99% of them i don't. i miss like.. three or four people. keegan, dan, tyler, and john. that's.. pretty much it. i see john every once in a while, haven't seen dan or tyler or keegan which is sad, but that's alright. i can get ahold of them if i put forth the effort. i might soon too, we should all go out with a buncha people to a club. that'd be fun.
um.. shit with jill. yeah, i talked to her the other night.. but i had j on my mind.. then he texted me so i was done lol. but jacki keeps askin if i'm alright with jill yet, jill lost.. a lot of respect from me. like.. a lot. so it'll take a lot of.. somethin for that repsect to come back. once you've lost it from me, twice.. like she did, then it'll be really hard for her to get it back. and i don't have enough patience.
i'm goin to the middle school probably.. friday. just to give out my open house invites to them people. i was talkin to rapaport.. i called her by her first name the other day and she looked at me funny. i aint like sayin that name anyway, so it wont happen again. it's marlene incase.. you were curious. k, anyway.. she thought i was still in 8th grade.. please, bitch lol. but yea, i love them middle school teachers. they make me smile.
alright, i'm.. gonna go buy the notebook probably since i got a coopin lol. for 7.99 on a movie. that's like.. cheap. i dunno if i'll buy the notebook or.. somethin else. i had the urge to watch that damn movie last night when i was talkin to j. it was.. weird. but yea..
ima go.
- Jejuan
3 Chances |
Words Of Hope?
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breezeyluvsu
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2005 25 May :: 1.34pm
Okay, so i realized that i love him. Very very much. He told me hes slipping away last night and that broke my heart. But i cant keep convincing him to want to be with me. Its like he changes his mind every other day. What am i supposed to do. Ugh im such a stupid girl for messing everything up so badly.
Jenna, i love you. I just look at you and smile. Please dont pick this up as a lesbian vibe i can assure you all im as straight as they come. But i just ...adore jenna so much. My mom said your such a sweetheart and she wants you to come back.. Hooray.
Amy mercer i seen you again. Isnt hansen just aweful. Ugh yeah your teling me and 6th hour shes always at her worst. Its baaad. Remember what i said about thursday. Love ya
SOMEBODY TELL DAN THAT I FRIGGEN' LOVE HIM AND IM NOT LETTING GO OF HIM!! its like he doesnt believe me that im hurting. Every hour of every day theres not something that i dont thik about that has to deal with him. But what hurts most is not even that he let go. But that he has to decide whether he wants me in his life or not. I justmiss him alot. We've been through so much together and i dont wanna let go. I refuse to let go. If somebody would just please let him nkow that i love him and im not afraid to tell everybody and anybody. Im willing to sacrafice everything to make this work. Everything.*sigh* now im all upset.
6 Chances |
Words Of Hope?
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swimfan14
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2005 24 May :: 11.00pm
I guess all I can do is wait and show you. I just gotta give this some time but I'm so impatient that I just want you to understand and see right now but you can't. I've got to wait and I hate that.
How could he ask me that? Seriously. Does he not understand that I am one of her friends? I could never do that to her. If she ever found out she would be so heart broken and I'm not about to break her heart. That would just be drama waiting to happen.
3 Chances |
Words Of Hope?
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swimfan14
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2005 24 May :: 6.48pm
I have a headache. Today in drama Brittani Matthews was pulling one of my arms and H was pulling the other arm and he let go so I flew into Brittani and we both hit heads. Today was so funny though because we were split into two groups and we had to each do one minute movie scenes and our group decided to do starwars. It was so stupid and Brittani and I decided that we were going to screw it up so right in the middle of Adriannes part we ran out in the middle of the stage and started dancing and singing and then we ran back and then it was another scene and we were back stage and Brittani just pushed me out on stage so everyone seen me. We get too hyper if were around each other.
I need to stop being a bitch to everyone. I seriously can say I'm a bitch. Nobody says that about themselves but I do. I just have been so miserable lately that I am a bitch to everyone and I don't even want to talk to them. It really is horriable and it's time things change. I hate being this way. Starting now I'm never going to be this way.
Your obessed with him thats nice...
I'm still waiting to see if Chloe is moving back. I really hope she is. That would make me so happy you don't even know. If she moves back shes going to live with her aunt. I'm not sure where her aunt lives but I know it's far from Cedar so most of the time she's going to be living at my house, we already decided that lol!
I don't want to go to California this summer and I'm not going to.
Yeah, thats right, I said it. Big shocker there.
I'm talking to my Aunt and she was telling me how my cousin Haileigh looks up to me and all she hears is how great I am from her and I was like thats cool I guess and then shes like "she even has your picture as her screen saver" I was like omg that is the cutest thing I've ever heard. and that just made my day.
3 Chances |
Words Of Hope?
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jennapie
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2005 24 May :: 5.08pm
I bought a new skirt today. It made me feel better, and it's cute. I don't know what's wrong with me, I need to stop being such a bitch to everyone though. And I need to go into yearbook, it's necessary. BUT I don't wanna!! yes I'm whining! lol No, really, I think I'll go in the tomorrow. I was completely planning on going today, but shopping sounded much more appealing. woo! Ok, so I guess we have this awards thing tonight, that I didn't know anything about, but yea, another excuse to dress up...bleh! not really, I'm just gonna wear pants and a nice shirt, not jeans, but just dress pants I guess, no skirts tonight. I don't even wanna go, I keep planning on finishing that damn bathroom, but these things that I have to do keep coming up.
I went to Brianna's last night, for no reason, just to say hi I guess, and it was fun, I laughed a bunch, which is a good thing that I haven't done a lot of lately, thanks Brie! I love you! I'm too lazy to straighten my hair anymore, curly is so much easier and because it's hot out now, I can't keep it straight anyway, so it's a waste of time, it curls on me anyway, only normally I don't carry gel with me so it's more like a poof ball of frizzz!!!!! and I HATE it! ugh! *frustration*
but anyways, I am mad at you. Not really that mad, but seriously, that wasn't nice. and it hurt my feelings. I thought you knew me better than that. I guess there's a lot that we don't know about each other. I don't know how to change things tho, since we're all leaving. I won't say oh well tho, like I don't care, because I completely Do! and you better not think any different either. But I love you, and I'm pretty sure you feel the same! *wink* oh yea, remember that time I said I was gonna be straight to the point form now on, well ok...fine....Jon that was to you.
that's all I guess...even tho most of it wasn't all that important anyways.
1 Chance |
Words Of Hope?
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paradox
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2005 24 May :: 12.09am
6 Months... *Smiles
2 Chances |
Words Of Hope?
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swimfan14
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2005 23 May :: 7.31pm
I'm so stupid.
5 Chances |
Words Of Hope?
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eyesofcrystal
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2005 23 May :: 1.31pm
SCORE!!!! You guys are all gonna think Im a complete dumbass but ya know WHAT??!?!?! I dont care..... HA..... so here it goes....something that brought the slightest bit of happiness into this stupid crap thats been going on.....The Backstreet Boys are totally back together! oh yea! Im happy. So thats my good news...you can laugh if you want...i laugh at myself too...but im happy about it. :) yay.
Sooo.....June 3rd or 4th im gonna be leaving for a few days to stay in stinky old Lakeview with my mom. But I like being where my mom is so...it works out....
Andrea...i still need to frikin talk to you. Man, your such a frikin procrastinator....damn you. Anyways..yea.....we gotsta talk, cuz thats what friends do....yea...later.
4 Chances |
Words Of Hope?
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breezeyluvsu
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2005 23 May :: 1.57pm
unbelieveable upset
Okay, so this has been the worst week of MY LIFE. I know what your thinking. What a drama queen. but Im miserable . I need him. I thought i could do it on my own but i just cant. I cant even function without him going through my mind. I made a mistake and i cant take it back. I cant keep trying to convince him to want to be with me. But hes dangling me here on a string. Telling me its not over but its not okay. My hopes are so high right now your kiss could kill. Seriously... I cant not be with him.. I am barely sleeping, my eating is all messed up, and most of all im being a complete and total...you know to everyone that walks my path. I just need him back. I love him and i wont giveup on him. I wont do it. we've gone through too much to throw it away now. Ive realized ive been a ....you know.. and i start fights over little various things. Things that shouldnt even matter, things that were made into a huge deal. I messed up bigtime and he finally realized that he can do so much better than me.
I know this all sounds like a pitty me entry but its not that at all. Ive been bottling these feelings up since my birthday. My freakin' birthday. It was aweful. Now is the time where i just need to be surrounded by the people who are my friends and who love me for who i am. Reguardless if im single or taken or whatever. I just need my friends right now. Dan says he wants space and time to figure this all out. Well theres nothing else i can do. I cant keep convincing him to want to be with me. When you love someone.. I mean truely love someone. Theres no such thing as being unsure. So maybe that was our problem. Maybe we were two kids just throwin the "L" word around like a couple of morons. How many times do you have to tell someone that you want to be with them and will give anything to make this work with them? What else do i have to say to you. It feels like ive already lost you. Completely.
I dont want to move on. I probably should because i think deep down i know thats what he is wanting to do. But i just.. cant give up on it. I think about him all the time. Wondering, worrying what hes doing. If he knows im thinking about him and. curious to if hes thinking about me too. Not one minute passes by without him going through this pathetic brain of mine. Im heartbroken. Shattered. Shattered into thousands of itty bitty pieces that will take forever for myself to put back together. But with one smile from you would easily put me back.
Its just that everything about him is so. Perfect. Yeah we fight [ believe it or not ] lol somebody please catch my sarcasm. And its always about the dumbest things. I pick fights sometimes just to test him. But other times. Telling me who to talk to . Telling me what i should and shouldnt wear. I quit smoking and drinking for him geez what else can i give? it was like he was breaking me, and just breaking me until i was nothing.
IM DONE TALKING ABOUT DAN FOR NOW. BUT SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME.
Jenna, i really need to talk to you its this dramatic. Somebody please sence that joke. But Theres so much that has happened over the course of 3 days that...is just....aweful yet... unbelieveable. Just telling you whatever your going through is going to be better soon. We'll get over it or we'll just be happy again. I have no plans for tonight ill give you a call around five.
LOVE YOUUUUUUU BABAY!
I still love you.
4 Chances |
Words Of Hope?
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whispers
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2005 22 May :: 11.49pm
:: Music: ashlee simpson - shadow
[ may twenty ]
Your birth on the 20th day of the month adds a degree of emotion, sensitivity, and intuition to your reading. The 2 energy provided here is very social, allowing you to make friends easily and quickly. Yet you are apt to have a rather nervous air in the company of a large group. You have a warmhearted nature and emotional understanding that constantly seeks affection. You are very prone to become depressed and moody, as emotions can turn inward and cause anxiety and mental turmoil. It can be hard for you to bounce back to reality when depression sets in. When things are going well, you can go just as far the other way and become extremely affectionate.
- What Does Your Birth Date Mean? -
sadly.. that's how it is. that's me. i was born on the right day..
- Jejuan
[addition] allison had this in her xanga, so did lisa, and i like it.. so read it and love it with me:
After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand, and claiming a soul, and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. You begin to learn that kisses arent contracts, and presents arent promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up...and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is uncertian for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so plan your own garden and decorate your own soul...instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers, and you learn that you really can endure...that you really are strong, and that you really do have worth.
3 Chances |
Words Of Hope?
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EyesOfCrystal
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2005 22 May :: 11.00pm
I dont exactly know my feeling towards the end of the year coming up. Im excited...but im not. Im scared about being a senior next year...i dont want it to be over. But...it happens to everybody. Im just afraid of being "all grown up" i guess.
hey andrea, if you ever read this...i need to talk to you about something. so either comment in here or e-mail me so i we can talk.
well i got my nose pierced and it hurt really bad. thats all.
Words Of Hope?
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swimfan14
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2005 22 May :: 9.10pm
I never really wanted you to see the screwed up side of me that I keep, locked inside of me so deep, it always seems to get to me. I never really wanted you to go, so many things you should have known. I guess for me there's just no hope, I never meant to be so cold.
You know thats what that is about.
2 Chances |
Words Of Hope?
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swimfan14
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2005 22 May :: 8.03pm
Wow..I'm exhausted.
My weekend was really fun, but differen't to say the least.
Friday I went out to dinner with my family and then I went over to my friends (Nick, Maddie, & Erika's)
Saturday I came home and packed, did laundry, all the boring stuff and the my friend Shanda from my modeling school came over and then we drove to Detroit. Driving to Detroit seems like it takes forever, I should be used to the whole three hours now but I'm not. I was so hyper in the car. I don't think I have ever been so hyper. My mom was getting annoyed but I always annoy her lol and my mom and step dad love the song "Bless the Broken Road" and it used to be my favorite song but now I refuse to listen to it because it makes me sad so that song came on the radio and im like "change it" and my mom was like "noo its such a good song" and then they turned it up so I turned on my cd player and turned it up as loud as I could and I started singing but afterwards I guess I was yelling because it was so loud that I couldn't hear my voice. It was funny but anyways we got there and we stayed in a hotel and we watched drumline and then we went out to eat and we went to this steak place and we went there and nobody was there and we couldn't figure out why but when we got our menus everything each was like $30.00 so there was no way for just one person we were paying that much so we decided to leave but we already ordered our drinks so I'm like "im leaving before any of you and you all can follow after me" so I walked out and I went and waited by the car and then 5 minutes later Shanda and my mom walked out and then my step dad walked out a few minutes later and he told our waitor that we changed our minds lol so we went to a differen't place and then we went back to our hotel and went swimming and that was about it.
Sunday we woke up at 7:00 and started getting ready and practicing poses for our shoot since we didn't even know very many. My mom told us that there was breakfast in the lobby so we went down there to find it but we couldn't so we seen a whole bunch of computers so we just went online and then like 30 mins. later my mom comes down with my step dad and they are like "did you guys eat" and were like "noo we've been sitting here this whole time talking online" but anyways we never did eat at the hotel so we went out to breakfast and then we went to our modeling agency and by then I was so nervous. We had all these rooms to get ready in and then our photgrapher from New York showed up and was setting up everything and I was like "omg I can't do this" but we all got ready for our first look and we had to do 5 headshots and 5 full body shots with differen't poses for all so it was pretty confusing trying to think of differen't poses and then we did that for the second outfit too and then the 3rd we had to come up with 10 full body poses. It was horriable trying to think of them and the guy kept taking a million pictures. Hes like "Ashley, CLICK CLICK CLICK" I was like woah but it was really fun and then on one some of the pictures we had a fan blowing our hair back..it was sexy haha..It just felt weird having so many pictures being taken. Then we went out to eat afterwards again and then we drove home and on the way home I slept the whole time. It was awesome but now I don't think I'll be able to go to sleep.
I want to go to graduation but on that same day I have to do some photo shoot stuff in Lansing so I have to pick which one and also I'm going to be in a back to school fashion show in August but I think it's the same time I was planning on being in California so I have to pick between those too. I hate having to decide between things like those. That would be cool if I got to keep the clothes I modeled for in the fashion show but I doubt it. They are going to be expensive clothes and the stores will want there clothes back. Stupid stores.
But now I have to get in the shower and wash off all this makeup and they put fake eyelashes on me so I have the eyelash glue stuck to my eyelashes and theres so many tricks to modeling and there is this one that they did to me and it was sick. Instead of putting the eyelashes on the top of your eyelids they put them under your eyelids which was so gross and it hurt but they do that so you can't tell they are fake eyelashes and they look real. I didn't really enjoy that and then I have coverup all of my chest because I have tan lines from Florida and your not allowed to have them in your pictures so we had to cover those up. I'm just a mess.
<3 ashley
Words Of Hope?
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paradox
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2005 22 May :: 7.38pm
:: Music: Talib Kweli- Get By
Well... Friday night was a success. Bobby, and Vince both came up and we had a mini Front~Line concert, and even signed some autographs for people! It made me feel famous, it was cool. Also 61Syx came up and we did some dancin and such. Right on.
This weeks a busy one. Tuesday is Erika and my 6 month. AND Honors convocation. Wed. Is my sisters B-day. Thursday is graduation! and the all night party. WOO HOO I'm excited/nervous/anxious/scared/happy/sad/worried/jittery Lol. Yeah I guess you could say I've got some mixed feeligns about graduation.
Don't Sweat The Tecknique!
-K. Loye
http://inspiringtruth.cjb.net
Words Of Hope?
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whispers
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2005 22 May :: 3.47pm
:: Music: seether - fine again
[ i'm done ]
i can't take shit anymore, so i'm moving. i really am. i'm moving to florida, someday. but i'm not gonna tell anybody when.. or where. i'll have my mom give them my cell phone number once i get it, but that's it. it probably won't be for like a year or somethin, but i'm still going.. and nobody is going to know when or where at exactly. i just can't deal with people anymore. yeah, there are more people in florida, but not the people here. so i quit.
yesterday was by far the worst day of my life. my dad didn't come see me like he said. that made my mind jump back to when i was in pine rest.. he said he'd send a card or something.. and never did. and then wouldn't even talk to me when i got out. then it made me think about how j didn't come see me like he said he was going to, and he's not going to. he won't tell me why, i just know he won't. and that.. hurts. a lot. so jacki's friend bruce invited me to go to this bonfire, and i didn't wanna go, but since he wanted me to.. i did. then what? he left and didn't go. so i cried some more. not because of him, but because he triggered my thoughts of when people stood me up before. and i lost it. so i started crying, and tj and jacki were the only ones that asked what was wrong, and jacki wanted me to go on a walk with her, so i did. and i told her what was wrong.. then i felt better. when i got back, tj asked if i was alright again and i said i'm fine now, i just been havin a bad day, and he said alright. that boy is so nice.. it's amazing.
so, anyway.. i did end up going to that bonfire just to find out bruce wasn't even there, and i went with jacki and jill so i was there by myself. being the third wheel. cause they wouldn't talk to me. jacki did a little. but.. still. so after some shit with jill, we left and got hungry howie's pizza and ate it on jacki's car. then we went to dee's bonfire where i saw jake. he looks good. :) he gave me a hug. so nice. and um.. then jill told sam to go talk to her, so they went and talked, and me and jacki found em n shit, then kevin called jill or whatever and jill was all "jacki come here." thats the shit that annoys me. jill knew damn well i was all fuckin alone.. by myself. so yeah, she did it at dee's party which wasn't so bad cause i had sam to.. keep me laughin and stuff. then we went back to the bonfire, and i was left alone again.. for like a hour. and that's when i realized i'm not gonna do it anymore. i'm not even gonna give jill the time of day, i'm not gonna hang out with any of them at once, and i'm just.. so done with everything. so when it came time to leave, i was crying to myself again.
i walked in the door, told my mom i was leaving.. went to grand rapids till 4am. i went to leaha's house. she still lives there, which is amazing. i went to her house and she's a crackhead now.. which is fine cause i did shit in her house and she aint ask no questions. i ended up texting j and tellin him about how i was gonna do some shit and he got mad.. he asked me about it this morning and get even more mad.. but its fine i guess. he reminded me that we dont have shit and we're just 'friends' anyway. which made me wanna say somethin back to him.. but i couldn't move my hand that much no more so i just said alright or.. whatever it is i said. and yea, that was it. if he's still mad at me or whatever, i'll just tell him what i was gonna say then.
but anyway, yeah. so i did a lotta shit this morning till about 4.. and i woke up at my house..with my car outside. i dont know how it got out there.. or how i even got home.. but i did. and i been throwing up all day so.. yeah. that was my day/night.
it was great, i want to kill myself now. real bad. but i have to go to work in about a half hour so i'll manage to live my life until i get to work where people actually talk to me.
- Jejuan
ps. kevin (jill's.. boyfriend.. the dude that did like me or whatever) told me by the bon fire while everyone else was gone that it's my fault he can't kiss jill infront of me, so i have to just apologize or something so he can get his when i'm around. so.. just for you jill, i'll stay away from all of you.. so kevin can do his thing.. have a great life.
5 Chances |
Words Of Hope?
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brokenmentality
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2005 22 May :: 1.43pm
ok erika.. lets try and not be overdramatic..
gahh i cant help it. i hate living here.
Words Of Hope?
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