m&ms487

Well, today. First of all to start out with I have a cold. Second, um yeah. Third, that's never a good combo. I forgot my biology book in 1st hour, so I had to go down the hall, up the stairs, down another hall, to my locker, get my book and back to band b/f school started, a trip that takes 10 minutes, I achieved through pushing in crowded hallways in about 4 minutes. That was just the start. I was almost late for band, so I had to share a music stand with Dani, which I don't care, it just bugs me b/c she plays the top part when she should be playing bottom. I would play top, but that's not my place, nor hers. Then, I had biology and everything went fairly well, so I made my way to the locker room for gym. I discovered my clothes were not in my bag. I then went to talk to Mr. Carr to see if my mom had called in (b/c I'm sick and i can't breathe when he makes us run) and he told me I still had to get dressed, so I asked him if I could get my clothes in my locker upstairs, and he said yes (I thought that is where I had left my clothes). So, I make my way down the hallway, and I just start balling my eyes out. God, what a perfect time. So I go look and my p.e. clothes are no where to be found which makes me cry harder. So I go back to the gym, tell Carr that I can't find my clothes and I don't know why I am crying but I can't stop. Thankfully Carr is actually human contrary to my former belief and he said that he wouldn't give me a 'no dress' (it lowers our grade, 1 no dress is A to a B) and he lets me go into the locker room. So I sit in the locker room alone balling my eyes out for no apparent reason for at least 20 minutes. Then Ms. Scott walks in, asks me if I'm okay and stuff, and I struggle to answer, and start crying harder. I must have used up at least 40 kleenex by then. Oh boy. Then class is over and the girls come in the locker room and the last thing I want is for people to ask if I'm okay, because that just seems to make me cry harder. So I just nod at their concerned faces, dry my tears and walk out of the locker room looking like shit. Not that i cared. So, I couldn't deal with eating lunch with my normal group b/c, i don't know, they are sorta preppy and I really can't deal with them sometimes, so I sit w/ jejuan for lunch. No questions asked. I liked that. Through the rest of the day I'm quiet, but luckily i didn't break down crying again. I don't know what caused it, maybe everything, maybe nothing, but the one thing I do know is that it felt good. No that it was at a good time or place, but luckily people understand. I haven't cried that hard or long since Aaron died. That was a long time ago. I thought about him in the locker room. I miss him. He was fun to be around. I thought about a lot of things in that locker room. Things that have no answer that I desperately need and seek. I think this is why people attach themselves to religion, so they can cope with things. As for me, I have to figure out some way to do it on my own, because that is the only person I will ever have, or need.

I don't feel much like socializing. I just want to be by myself for a while. Think about things, I guess. I've gotten too connected to too many people. It doesn't feel right to me. I'm not use to it. I'm sorry.

7 orgiasticals | don't question bruce dickenson