Sometimes I just need more than powerchords and a bassline.....

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Sometimes I just need more than powerchords and a bassline.....

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:: 2004 28 March :: 1.33am
:: Music: jason wade - "you belong to me"

i emptied another box of tissues
i cant stop crying. this whole night. great homecoming huh? coming home to feelings of...

it.
just.
hurts.

and i cant breathe.
it's so hard to control myself.

let me rant. dont read this.
why can't it just be happily ever after? everytime i think about it, i just can't help but sob and let the tears flow. and edgar asks me why, why do i keep stabbing myself in the heart over and over again. danielle says i need to learn not to let it hurt me. but i'm not strong enough. my heart just takes over and i wish so badly that everything just was... right. instead of every word piercing and making water run down my face. i thought that maybe if i just pretended like i could be his friend still, i'd actually be able to move on a little and at least carry on a normal conversation. but instead it leads to talk about broken hearts which brings crying. and then it leads to talk about happier times which brings crying. all i can do is lie in bed. i hope that my dreams arent as painful.

im giving up on love, but it doesnt seem to be giving up on me.

3 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 28 March :: 12.37am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: the little mermaid - "part of your world"

mmph. home sweet home. homework. confusion. stress.

joy.

take the emo quiz.created by jessi

:: 2004 23 March :: 12.42am
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: all american rejects - "swing swing"

grrr. i lose my entries even when im in other states!!

funny stuff over here. go to danielles journal. im done.

<3 i miss you <3
when i come back i have to do lotsa homework plus make a new cd mix for myself. it shall include some sad songs for lost loves. here's one.

days swiftly come and go, i'm dreaming of her.
she's seeing other guys, emotions, they stir.
the sun is gone, the nights are long.
and i am left while the tears fall.

did you think that i would cry, on the phone?
do you know what it feels like, being alone?
i'll find someone new.

swing, swing, swing from the tangles of my heart
is crushed by a former love.
can you help me find a way to carry on again?

wish cast into the sky, i'm moving on.
sweet beginnings do arise, she knows i was wrong.
the notes are old, they bend, they fold.
and so do i to a new love.

3 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 22 March :: 12.36am
:: Music: Herbie Hancock

Hello,

How's it going babe? Myself, I'm doing great. No complaints here. I'm bored, so I guess I'll resort to Woohu.

The past week has been wonderful, suprisingly. Last Sunday, I went to my friend David's house for, get this, Wrestlemania 20. My friends Shaun, Robert, and Curtis were all there too, who I hadn't seen in two years. I haven't watched wrestling in about 3 years, so it was funny to watch thematches out of context. We all conversed just like it was old times, amazingly. Overall, it was just a great time to hang out with some of my friends from middle school who haven't been in my life for awhile.

I was antsy to get this final week of school over with, but it went by pretty fast, I guess. I pulled off an A in AP English, and a B in Physics, so my grades turned out pretty good. I had some convos with a few people, such as Cary (even though we had stoner/druggie/slut/crackwhore girl trying to talk to us the whole time.) I drove Sara home twice, which was nice. Heck, I even pulled off an amazing comeback going 1-on-1 with her in B-Ball and beat her.

Spring break has been coolio, so far at least. I spent Friday and today lounging around, doing nothing on the former and hanging out with Noah, Krystal, Heather, and Keith tonight. Both had their merits.

Saturday night was a wonderful time as well. Dinner and walking along the Avenue was very, very nice, even though the leftovers dripped on me and I smelt like Italian. It was actually one of the better times I've had in a long time, and hopefully she had a great time too. Since we are both going to be away on college trips for the rest of the week, I know that that will be the peak of my spring break.

As I previously said, my aforementioned trip to Texas happens on Wednesday morning. I will be checking out University of Texas at Austin and SMU in Dallas, while also hanging with my cousins in the big D. I'm gone until Sunday, I believe, so if you would like to get your fill of Drew, you can call me or something.

Well, I'm going to go play around with Tab-It or maybe go to bed, so I'll talk to you later.

Love,
Drew R.

2 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 17 March :: 6.24pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: rufio - "over it" (acoustic)

how are you? i'm good. school almost over. christina is almost sane. that's good. i'm in a confused place right now. time in cali and las vegas with danielle. talks in the hotel room i am anticipating. it'll all make me feel 100 times better about the way i feel/act.

i really do not have anything to say.

need the rufio cd. maybe hoobastank. waiting for the stills. ben jelen. fly or die. plus many more.
i was over it before but you brought me back to where i began. and i'm starting again and i'll make you run to the end.

:: 2004 14 March :: 3.22pm
:: Mood: complacent
:: Music: silence

my family makes me happy. thank god for that. yesterday we went to miami for eating, shopping, driving, and more eating and driving. watching people and cars on south beach was interesting. losing my brother was a bit scary though. but it was fun. we were having our own party inside the car. we were gonna eat at joes stone crabs but. 2 and a half hour wait. plus five claws for $50. not worth it. so we went to this obscure chinese restaurant. not the best food, but the best conversations and reminiscing. my aunt and i couldnt stop laughing. we were discussing mine and andrew's risk of getting a mental disorder. yeah its pretty high. anyways. i cant wait til im old enough to go to south beach on my own. or even with my mom. my brother was gone by the time i woke up this morning. didnt get to say goodbye. sigh. back to boring life. and i couldve spent the day with my mom and aunt at an artfest and more shopping but i had to decline for homework. i dont even have that much. i guess i just feel guilty when i have too much fun.

i feel better.
EDIT
god. i regret the past few weeks so much. hurting people i loved. hurting myself emotionally. and now i have to pay at least some consequences. i would like to say "its not fair"... but the damn thing is, that it is fair. i guess it'll take time for things to be good again. my fault.

Marissa
You are MARRISA'S BAD HAIR DAY.

What Quirk From THE OC Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

:: 2004 12 March :: 10.28pm
:: Mood: better. but i regret before.
:: Music: SC playing forever

hmm
sigh. wide range of emotions today. pain (physical and emotional), longing, desperation, indifference, tiredness, loneliness, anger, resentment. list goes on. dammit, that was like the third time i've cried in school. it's so not cool. i swear by the end of high school, the whole world will have seen me cry. *shrug*. i felt tons better after art, which is something i can always count on. i skipped lunch to keep on painting and katherine and ashley came to see me. i felt kinda like... =\ ashley was trying to find out what's wrong with me. i couldnt give her an answer. i dont know how many people have said or written "i miss you" to me. greta wrote me the most beautiful card. the looks i get now are so... i dunno. i can tell people miss me. wherever me is. what it made me want to do, is take all the notes, all the loving phrases, and synthesize them in a painting. if i have time one day. i'm just scared that it'll get worse because life/school/pressure only gets worse. i'm just not in the mood for anything anymore. i'm sure all of this may be redundant to you. shrug. i wish i had more to say. but i dont. like always.

edit
why can't he leave me alone? it's like it's impossible for him to understand where christina has gone. when he talks to me, i always feel like he's just blaming me for not getting my act together. what the fuck is that? seriously. i feel like everyone is sincere in their caring for me. and so is he, but sometimes i wish he could move on and not care about me so much. on the other side, i also can't watch him ignore me. i'm sorry that there's something wrong with me. it's completely my fault for feeling what i feel. what do you want me to do so that everything can be like how it was again?

:: 2004 12 March :: 2.36am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Charlie Mingus

I havent slept more than three hours within the last 47. No intentions of sleeping tonight.
I just wrote a really deep entry, but decided not to post it. I don't think I've ever correctly expressed my emotions through words.

I started writing music again last week. Mostly blues. I never knew it, but blues really does come from the soul. It's tiring to always play others people's music, and never create anything of your own. I wish I had a 4 track, because everything I write gets lost with my bad short term memory.

I also found out that I've been accepted to be a music major at USF next year.

2 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 10 March :: 6.59pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: sc - "ruthless"

if i build you a city, would you let me? would you tear it down?
ok. i had my daily talk with my journal. and woohu fucking lost it. thank you, once again. damn. and it was like a culmination of all my feelings today and it is gone. it's these little things that keep me crazy. let me do my best at trying to remember what i wanted to say in this entry.

i hate my body. it hates me back. i ran today. yeah. christina ran. granted, i am sooooooo outta shape, but hey at least i did something right? i'm so sick of the way i look that i'm gonna try to get to a point where running isnt so much work for me anymore. hopefully then i will be able to satisfy myself. i skipped dinner. for like the first time in my life. only did so though because of my brother's treat.

my brother is the best in the world. when i have the crappiest days, he doesn't even know when or why yet he always does his best to make me happy. he makes me laugh. he took me to taco bell today. he cares. i hope everyone has things with their siblings like that. it's a beautiful thing. my favorite (one of two) aunt is coming down tomorrow too. this weekend with family will make me pseudo-happy.

god. my body really does hate me. not just cuz the way i look, but the way i feel too. supposedly, my mom says it's just allergies acting up, but like. ugh. usually when i have allergies, i get a stuffy/runny nose and i cant breathe and all that nice stuff. but as of now (like as in this very moment), my eyes won't stop burning and itching. and it just makes me want to close my eyes and go to sleep even more. it's so mean to me. i have valued my eyes a billion times more since i had pink eye, yet my body still thinks i need to learn a lesson.

something corporate. i keep going back everytime i get into the "i wish i could run away from it all" mood. of course, that's all the time, but specifically when i feel like i just can't find myself. i wish i could just have them playing in the background of my life 24/7. i'd enjoy it a lot more.

all the time.... it just feels like i need to close my eyes and not talk. talking to people used to be something i was interested in. consoling people, being the shoulder to lean on, the ears to listen to your problem. i still am. i just know that i don't seem approachable anymore. i am sorry for that. i feel more alone right now than ever. i know i know i have a buncha friends and i have my long time lovers and my family. but you know how it gets that way. i just feel like the best thing to do for me is to be... alone. in all sense of the word. if i could lie on the beach listening to something corporate all day long. i would be in my own heaven on earth. if i had a car, that's where i'd be.

long enough entry. woohu is forgiven. if this isnt lost.

heh. thats nice. my mom just yelled at me again. yeah i need to get my shit together. dont you agree? (sarcastic.)

i miss everyone. i miss myself. =(

1 true playa | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 9 March :: 9.28pm
:: Mood: disheartened
:: Music: something corporate - "me and the moon"

idk. crying again, for different reasons.
i dont know why but i feel like i can't talk to people anymore. all i can really talk to is this journal. i guess because i don't want to really bother people with my bitching but my journal will never mind.

i'm just crying because

sigh

yeah, christina will never be good enough.
=*(

despite how perfect i am in my peers' eyes, there's always someone at home to remind me that i'm still inferior (in more ways than one) and always will be.

let me just go into a dark corner now to be alone

:: 2004 7 March :: 3.11pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: Destruction by Definition

"Lisa Simpson; master of the double life."
I'm Lisa Simpson. I play the baritone sax and am pretty good at it, I'm a big fucking nerd, I'm smarter than my parents, I dont believe in Church, I'm the good one in the family, my talents are underappreciated and are going to waste, I hate living at home, and I lead a double life. Yes folks, I'm Lisa Simpson.

Anyways, I finished my auditions over a week ago. The rides up to Tampa and Jacksonville were nice. USF was rad. I really want to go there. I loved the campus, and all the people. JU and UNF were rather disappointing after seeing USF. On a fucking saturday afternoon, the campuses were dead. Not one student walking around, chillin, or doing anything. Were there actually any students at these schools? I don't know. The campuses weren't even half the size of USF. The only thing I liked was that UNF had an immaculate music building. My audition there sucked though. They didn't want to hear much of me playing, and Bunky got mad at me for playing a Melodic Minor with a Natural Minor descending. Bastard. My USF audition wasn't too bad, but I cant be too sure that it will give me a spot in their program. It was the best audition I did for a school I wanted to go to though. My FIU audition sucked, but fuck that school. Them and their asshole jazz director can eat me. JU was my best audition. The guy fucking loved me. The jazz director, the guitar teacher and I jammed for almost a half hour. It barely felt like an audition. I thought that was great, but the campus sucked, and the music building was old and was obviously not intended to be a music building when it was first built. It reminded me of the high school from the Wonder Years. They didn't have much to offer me other than money to cover their big private school tuition. Fuck them.
I'm still waiting to hear back from UNF and USF. I want to hear back from FIU, but just because I was told to talk to the dean of music and tell him how much of an asshole his Jazz director is. Well thats it. Pretty worthless entry. I'm done

:: 2004 6 March :: 9.25pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: hoobastank - "the reason"

the first cut
ya know. my weekend has been great minus one exception. the day after someone breaks up with you, is the day you recognize the most breakup songs. friday i cried more than i ever thought possible. because it hurts a million times more to know that it was my fault that he felt like i don't deserve him. because i don't. so i don't want anyone to be mad at him and i don't want anyone to try to console me. because the way i ignored him and the way i humiliated him every time i pushed him away... it makes sense that i can't keep hanging onto him. i should just go at life alone for a while. because ... i... i guess i'm not .. perfect. danielle saw so many tears. and my body hates me so since i cried so much, my allergies didn't stop. my eyes were burning and my nose was running. i never tell my family when i cry so they assumed i had horrible allergies causing my face to be all red. the tears ran so much that danielle couldnt catch them. there were too much. i couldn't sleep because i was drowning. and when i could sleep, it was horrible. i kept waking up. by far the worst sleep i ever had. and i woke up with swollen eyes. thank god for my family though. my brother came home last night. he makes me laugh. and we saw starsky and hutch. it's all good. today i went to tran's bday picnic. jimmy proposed. =) and i am gonna be a bridesmaid.

what else can i say?
i wish i hadn't treated him so badly.
because now i miss him more than ever.
and i hope he's happy without me.
all of our plans are gone now.

time to cry again...

i'm not a perfect person.
there's many things i wish i didn't do.
but i continue learning.
i never meant to do those things to you.
and so i have to say before i go
that i just want you to know

i found a reason for me to change who i used to be.
a reason to start over new.
and the reason is you.

i'm sorry that i hurt you.
it's something i must live with everyday.
and all the pain i put you through.
i wish that i could take it all away.
and be the one who catches all your tears.

i'm not a perfect person.
i never meant to do those things to you.
and so i have to say before i go,
that i just want you to know

i've found a reason for me to change who i used to be.
a reason to start over new.
and the reason is you.

3 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 5 March :: 7.32pm
:: Mood: cynical
:: Music: yellowcard - "empty apartment"

i think sometimes you forget where the heart is.

i'm going at it alone now.

2 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 4 March :: 9.52pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: yc - "view from heaven"

so.
i'm just so... down. cant begin to bitch now. just dedicating a song to anyone who can relate.

i'm just so tired. won't you sing me to sleep
and fly through my dreams?
so i can hitch a ride with you tonight
and get away from this place.
have a new name and face.
i just ain't the same without you in my life.

late night drives all alone in my car.
i can't help but start singing lines from all our favorite songs.
and there are melodies in the air singing life just ain't fair,
but sometimes i still just can't believe you're gone.

and i'm sure the view from heaven beats the hell out of my year.
and if we all believe in heaven then we will make it through
one more year, down here.

feel your fire when it's cold in my heart.
and things sorta start reminding me of my last night with you.
i only need one more day. just one more chance to say,
i wish that i had gone up with you too.

you won't be coming back. and i didn't get to say goodbye.
i really wish i got to say goodbye.

:: 2004 3 March :: 5.41pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: something corporate - "break myself"

well i'm on fire. and the day is feeling hopeless.
god i lost my woohu entry again. this makes me pissed off like every other day. god. my computers freaking hate me. i have to restart them at least once a day.

this is how i feel... don't ask me to explain.
i'm willing to break myself
to shake this hell from everything i touch
i'm willing to bleed for days, my reds and grays
so you don't hurt so much

ex angel
You're like an angel. As everyone knows, angels
dwell in heaven. They were desribed as shining
ones wearing white and the idea that they have
wings is believed as well. Guardian angels are
the ones that many people think are dead loved
ones who try to protect the living friends or
family they have on Earth. They usually had
blonde hair and maybe brown with flawless
appearance and sweet dispositions. They were
cheerful, hopefull, selfless, loving, and kind.
Angels are the one mystical creature that a
majority of people truly believe in. Encounters
with angels are poping up all over the world
and reassuring people's beliefs in angels.
(please rate)

What Mystical Creature Are You? (Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

night
You're Element is Night. You're a loner who is very
creative but never show your work to anyone.
You may smile a little but sadness or
loneliness surround you and other can feel it
when they're near you. You have a dark or
unusual beauty that makes you mysterious and
you probably have a lot of secrets that you've
never told anyone. You're beauty is intriging
and unorthidox but the real thing that makes
you special is your eyes. Something in them
makes them like "Diamonds in the
Rough."

What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
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1 true playa | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 29 February :: 6.54pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: jessica simpson - "to fall in love again"

hmm.
my weekend. woohu lost my entry before about it. so i guess this is the newer version.

friday, i dunno why but i felt like such crap. for various reasons. i really regret acting the way i did, cuz i only made myself feel worse everytime i pushed people away. although i'm sure my murderous mood amused ashley cuz i wanted to throw some knives at people. it all culminated on the bus ride home. thank god for greta because ... she puts up with me when i bitch about my day on the bus. i just put my sweater over my head and i cried a little. shrug just felt a little trapped i guess. so i went home and took a nap and felt a little better. the rest of the night made me happier cuz i went with danielle and my mom out to dinner and then out to see dirty dancing. regardless of the annoying girls sitting behind us, i loved just sitting there and watching the movie. the entrance to the theatre was decorated with flowers and said "welcome to havana". i guess the movie embodies my fantasy movie life. going to a place you dont know, being scared, dancing, falling in love, having it all taken away but being happy that it happened. i wouldnt mind seeing it a sceond time just to lose sight of my real life again.

saturday my mom and i went shopping. yeah we had an excuse, that we had to get valerie and nicole birthday presents. we happened to slip in a few things for ourselves too. felt pretty good. then i got ready and went to valerie's house. it was interesting. i had fun in a very weird way. various things made me happy that night. well maybe not happy. but it made the evening worthwhile. dancing alone with danielle. talking to greta and wanting to cry. acting like a klepto in valerie's closet. standing in the rain. seeing how people act in a different environment. chillin in the garage with valerie and ashley after everyone else left. taking home lotsa food. wanting to be valerie's best friend again.

amongst other things.
that is always the phrase for me to use.

today i stayed home and did some homework while my parents went to ft lauderdale to see a jewelry show. i got into a bad mood again but i guess it's gone for now. sometimes all i need is to be left alone. with food and tv. but i have been rewarded with earrings from my parents. nice gesture from them. <3

will your arms still hold me?
and your eyes console me?
baby please don't turn your back...
and just pretend
that your heart still needs me,
and your soul completes me.
and we'll find a way to fall in love again.

2 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 27 February :: 11.36pm
:: Music: Aphex Twin- Selected Ambient Works

Don't call it a comeback.

But seriously folks, why does life seem to want to be bipolar in my presence? In these past couple of weeks I have had more ups and downs than an elevator. Eeep, that analogy was horrible.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION IS NOT IMPORTANT OR EVEN NECESSARY FOR YOUR CONTINUED EXISTENCE. YET I'M NOT MAKING THIS A PRIVATE ENTRY, BECAUSE ONLINE JOURNALS ARE USED TO EXPRESS YOUR INNERMOST FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS TO PEOPLE YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW. GO LOOK AT KIDDIE PORN.

The past fortnight has been one of the longest I've ever endured, as everyday seemed to drag on forever and quite possibly ever. Maybe time and existence is slowing down so that the 24-hour day is abolished, replaced by tyrannical 40-hour days. Or maybe I need to stop forgoing sleep to watch the Old-School Hip-Hop segment on MTV2 at night.

Even with a half-day and staying home one day because of sickness, life slowed to a crawl this past week. I guess that's what a whole lot of drama can do. Jake put it best today; it's so easy to get sick of high school with all of the drama. The only drama I like to start is woohu drama with Cary, but that's me personally.

Actually, now that I think about it, I don't want to type about it, or write about it, or think about it. Not at this moment at least.

Instead of dwelling on the bad, especially to the public, who I'm sure doesn't want to hear it (they probably don't want to hear any of this), I'll just mention a few things that were good this week:

I am a real fan of making mix cds for people.

I am a staunch supporter of watching the series finale of "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance."

Talking in the hallways or while walking to my car with girls who somehow make my stomach feel funny is always a highlight of a day.

And most of all, today at lunch, I realized that I am truly blessed to know some of the kids I do know. Just talking with five of these guys, about anime porn or some other inconsequential thing made my week. Thanks.

Keep on truckin kids.

Drew R.

4 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 26 February :: 9.47pm
:: Mood: depressively angry
:: Music: josh groban and charlotte church - "the prayer"

i pray you'll be alright. lots and lots of rants
woohu just gave me massive amounts of pop-ups that made me want to kill myself.

amongst other things.
i do not know what has caused this wave of suicidal anger. me being angry is just pissing me off even more.

why do i feel like crying right now? i feel so fucking stupid. like i have everything. i have everything i want. everything. there's nothing missing in my life, there seems to be nothing wrong. i cannot pinpoint what the fuck is wrong with my personality. it's like i HAVE to get to these periods when nothing is good enough for me, not even myself. i have a beautiful, loving family. i have beautiful, loving friends. and i have someone who loves me like no one else. a couple of people do. i have straight A's. i am damn sexy. i am a saviour. i am brighter than the sun. i am perfect.

why can't i tell myself that?

i feel so dependent and independent all at the same time. like dependent in the way that i can't be happy without certain people. and independent in the way that i push people away when i dont want to talk. i just want to lie in bed and do nothing. can i do that? no. i really wonder.

i hate mr. epstein. really. like thanks buddy for confusing the shit out of me about everything. i have a freaking test tomorrow when i dont know one thing more than what i did before. wtf is that? seriously. i am here to learn, so teach me. just because i have PIB stamped on my head does not mean that i will memorize everything you say nor understand everything you explain. i have no previous experience in government. what makes you think that this comes so easily? pretty much never gotten an A on a test, but you expect me to retain all the pointless information that i couldnt understand in the first place? there is no reason to smile. the AP test is scaring the hell out of me. and it's just wrong to have him as a teacher. alright, let's skip half the chapter and have your test tomorrow to get you prepared for your AP test that's coming up. yeah right asshole.

like wtf. i feel like doing the following things:
1. running away
2. going to the beach
3. walking in the breeze
4. watch the sun rise
5. sleep all... sleep all day
6. attacking someone
7. hurting myself
8. banging my head against a wall
9. alleviate stress through art (not in school)
10. be completely happy
11. not feel sorry for my sorry self
12. follow a dream

i. have. everything. why is it not everything, though? ya know willie wonka and the chocolate factory? at the end, in the wonka-vator? willie wonka: "oh and charlie. don't forget what happened to the man that suddenly got everything he wanted.... he lived happily ever after." yeah right. in wonka land. thatd be a nice vacation. where nothing makes sense and the only point is to eat candy.

i refuse to be satisfied.
i refuse to pretend like i'm normal.
i refuse to do things unless i feel like doing them.

i just failed my govt self test. i have no idea what i am doing. =*( and i cant take it.

4 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 26 February :: 6.22pm
:: Mood: procrastination
:: Music: vanessa carlton - "sweet baby"

if only this song was my mood all the time. -
you light me up and then i fall for you.
you lay me down and then i call for you.
stumbling on reasons that are far and few.
i'd let it all come down and then some for you.
pretty baby, don't you leave me,
i have been saving smiles for you.
pretty baby, why can't you see
you're the one that i belong to.
i'll be the embrace that keeps you warm
beyond the sun that breaks the storm.
i'll be alright in a sleep sound,
as long as you keep coming round.
and not most things can last forever,
but there are lessons that you'll never learn.
just the scent of you, it makes me hurt.
so how is it you that makes me better?
can you hold me and never let go?
when you touch me, it is me that you own.
pretty baby, don't you leave me.

hey man. this quiz result is like dissing me. shrug. i DO have a social life. people dont hate me!... right?

You are the Overachiever. You work far too
hard, and probably have no social life
whatsoever. But that's ok, cuz your GPA is
ridiculously high and you can get into any
college you want. The rest of us hate you.
You probably lied to get this answer, cuz REAL
overachievers would never waste time on a
pointless internet quiz.

What Kind of IB (International Baccalaureate) Student Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Schroeder!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

1 true playa | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 25 February :: 6.17pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: something corporate - "space"

ugh.
edit- so i just read everyones journals that i didnt get to read last night. i didnt really read most of them, cuz we all seem in the same dreading-the-future mood and yeah. plus i need to finish my essay for english. the only thing i have to say is that you don't need to read the following entry because it's a buncha crap and it doesnt deserve to be read because it's the same old shit. oh yeah. something else. i love danielle more than anyone in the whole freaking world. just gotta declare that.

so many things are making me angry inside this week. idk what it is. ya know what i realized today though? something that REALLY pisses me off. i've known this before, but i've never known how bad i can feel because of it. what is it? it's... not understanding something. not learning. i had that in like 3 of my classes today. it's like... when i'm not able to comprehend something within 10 minutes, i feel like killing myself cuz i'm wasting time. government? that class brings me down so much. my inner morale and my self esteem for school just goes down the drain. him talking, the words going in one ear and out the other. it pisses me off and makes me angry (yes a lot at epstein) at myself. and i hate that feeling. like i can't stand myself. i guess it's cuz i've grown up being constantly praised and expected to do well, so when i dont do well, i just can't understand why. because it's not like i don't listen. and it's not like i dont WANT to learn, but those little rough spots when i dont get things in an instant, i feel like crap. do you think this is twisted? i think it is. art sometimes is even frustrating. and that's 100 times more wrong because it's my outlet and sometimes even that pisses me off because i can't seem to do something right. grrrrrrrrrrrr. i just wanna go away to california already. and have my fun time with my love. but i cant. i look at other people and wonder how they do it all and why i can't be like that. i know i know i'm great, i'm super and whatever, but the fact is, i can always be better. and i hate it. there's no reaching my goal, cuz i can always reach higher. but what if i never reach it? =( sigh. well that was my little rant for the day. probably gonna last for a while. i'm alright and happy but whenever i seem tired or out of it, i'm usually thinking about school. worrying, more like it. it dominates my thoughts over all else. ALL else. is that wrong?

2 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 22 February :: 5.59pm
:: Mood: ehh. not accomplished at all.
:: Music: tristan prettyman - "void"

my weekend
edit- changed my journal a bit. check it out. hope it brings you to peace.

it flew by so fast. damn. i have to go back to hell.

friday, my family and i ate dinner at danielle's house with her family. yum yum. it was nice. i believe that was the first friday night in forever that i went to bed before 12. i was just soooooooooooooo tired. i woke up at like 9 though. so its not like i died. it was great to sleep though.

saturday, i went with my dad and mother to eat lunch and then to a flower show on flagler. it was nice, my mommy and i got all dressed up to take pictures with the flowers. i ended up sitting under the sun in a rose garden, rereading snow falling on cedars. it was beautiful. then we left and in the car my mom was like "that was nice wasnt it? for 11 bucks to see those flowers... did you like it?" and my dad goes "i liked it.... ticket to enter a flower show: $11... spending time with wife and daughter: priceless." i was like awwwwww. then we picked up my lover danielle and we had a nice double date with my parents. ate japanese. ice cream at mizner while hearing elvis costello in concert. eurotrip at the movies. sorry bout the dress danielle... i didnt remember! then went home.

today. i woke up at like 11. called nicole because it was her birthday today and she picked me up to go to the beach. her sister had a nice rental car, so we drove to lake worth beach with the top down. it was nice. but we couldnt find parking for like 45 minutes so we went home to our neighborhood pool for like 15 minutes then had to go home. mommy got me taco bell and then we went to get some art supplies. in the car, i was just playing konstantine while looking at the clouds through the sun roof. another beautiful moment. then i came home and TRIED to create a masterpiece but it didnt work. oh well. it's alright i guess. eh. i really thought i had more homework to do, but i guess i don't. that's a pleasant surprise. i should get ahead on my other homework now. ugh. stupid endless homework from zacher. it's a shame that i can't hate her for it.

a beautiful weekend. but i feel so weird about it. i think it's because we didn't go shopping at all.

4 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 20 February :: 1.22am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: jason wade - "you belong to me"

i . sigh .
i updated in livejournal if you care to see it.

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

guess i'm kinda normal after all.
<3 * shrug *

2 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 18 February :: 7.59pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: madonna - "take a bow"

nice ballad for my soothing sense of self.
couldnt love my friends more. a nice day with many smiles.

siiiiiiiigh. i feel like i need to be doing homework. hmm? i just hope epstein forgets we have to write a bill.

altan is excited for danielle and ashley to help him change his lifestyle for the better. lol. cute.

and so. since altan is comforming a bit to become the best he can for me, i shall try to lose weight.

do not worry.

this song has helped me feel a lot better.

i've always been in love with you
i guess you've always known it's true

atlantichigh
[ epicyclebanana ]

:: 2004 18 February :: 2.07pm

Wow I wonder if people actually read this thing!
Hey all, remember me? Remember this journal? Ok, here's my deal: I neeeeeeed someone to mail me pretty pretty please one of them IB calc formula books, I realized just how excellent of a cheat sheet it would be, or if anyone knows where on zee Internet I can find it?
-Lana

:: 2004 18 February :: 9.05am
:: Mood: nervous
:: Music: Yes

FIU Jazz audition today at three. USF on saturday, UNF and Jacksonville U the next saturday. Concert next week. Musical is comming up, and state S&E after that. Maybe state concert after that.

I've got a little too much shit on my plate. I'm getting a little overwhelmed. Maybe after my auditions, it'll be a little bit better. I'm so nervous. For most of my auditions, I'm playing two standards, a ballad, and a latin from the Aebersald books. It's not that hard; I just play the head, and improv on those chord changes once or twice. I'm just worried about my improv. When I first started to improv, it was all by ear, so I played what sounded good. But anyone can play a Bb to F change by ear. These songs that I'm playing for my auditions are legit. songs, with legit. chords and changes. Improvising them by ear doesn't work for someone at my level. I don't know enough scales to put out a decent solo on any of these songs. At the most, I can get the root, 3rd, and 7th of any chord from just looking at it, but that's not very much. Scales are what's going to kill me. I'm fine with my majors, but I dont know my natural, harmonic, and melodic minors off hand. I know how they're constructed, what they're for, and how to use them, but I just haven't worked on them enough to play them from memory. I can play them off a sheet of paper, but all that shows is that I can sightread.... yea, I'm bad at that too. Well, atleast sightreading jazz. I've played more concert music than jazz in the last year, so counting straight is really ingrained into my brain, rather than swing.

I wouldn't be so worried about my auditions if I was just going to get accepted to their music dept., but I am going for scholarships. They want to give their money to the best and most talented, or those who they think can become the best and talented. I have potential to become friggen' awesome, but right now I'm just a mediocre player.

Almost forgot to mention: I got a superior on my solo, trio, and quartet at S&E. All three are eligable for state, but we decided not to do the trio, which is the hardest and sounds the worst.

Enough for today.
-A.J.

1 true playa | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 17 February :: 6.50pm
:: Mood: moody
:: Music: countless mistakes echoing in my mind

pointless thoughts.
today, my experiences led me to a lot of "there's nothing worse than"'s. so here's my list.

there's nothing worse than:
. not having enough sleep
. not having time to get ready
. watching someone walk away when you want them to stay
. realizing you didn't do enough to succeed
. realizing how pointless your day was
. hurting someone you would never want to hurt
. not being able to explain without self-incrimination
. not having enough time to explain
. arguing with your parents over lack of sleep
. feeling guilty
. making multiple mistakes
. when there is something you love to do, but you just can't seem to ever do it right

yeah. so that was my day so far. lots of those.

nothing worse than not living up to expectations.

further bitching
it's been a bad day
another bad day
and all i wanna do
is look at you
and know i'm okay

when i wake up in the morning
is it gonna be another ugly day?

2 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 16 February :: 9.26pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: OKGO - "get over it"

never too busy to update in woohu.
pina coladas induce happiness. if only there was more.

ever have that day where you procrastinate so much cuz you're just like "well there's not THAT much to do, so i'll be fine, i'll just go to bed a little late tonight"
and then
you go to do your work and you're closing in on the last of the REAL work (not the studying) and then you think about the next day and your classes
and then
you remember this one class that you don't usually have homework in. but you realize that you have homework in it.
and so
you cry. and it sets you back and brings down your morale. and then you realize how much you really do have to do, and you realize.
that was my day.
i might not get much sleep tonight.

hey! get get get get get over it.

wonder when vacation will actually mean vacation.

<3

2 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 14 February :: 11.28pm

envy me for I have been graced with the Godly sounds of Modest Mouse<3

it was soooooooo wonderful x a bagillion & a half!! Muchas gracias to Josh/Eric/Taylor/everyone else <3<3

got dumped in Miami & did the whole UM honor band thing. It went well I guess besides crappy music and bad players. The other bassoonists were cool (and cute lol) so it was all good. <3s to Chris & Eun Joo who made 2nd and 1st chairs!!

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Alfred Reed was at our concert tonight!! We all got autographs and pictures, it was obbber cool!

going to Orlando tomorrow. busy. bye.

6 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 14 February :: 10.21pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: faith hill - "there you'll be"

mmm.
good valentines day with mi amor, danielle. true, i missed my boyfriend. but valentines day is about all kinds of love. and i love my best friend more than anyone else in the world and there's nothing like loving your friends which is why i made those cd's for people. because they express in music what i cannot express in words. some people got sad because it's apparently full of love songs. but do you wanna know why it was full of love songs? because thats what i feel for everyone. whenever you call, i'll be there. and i want people to feel that. that's all. i didnt intend for people to get sad over it (especially if they dont have a boyfriend or girlfriend). i intended it for people to feel the love i feel for them.

we shoulda had a pajama dance party at my place today. dancing in the fridge! hotness. sigh. nothing like sweet movies, laughs, and i love you's.

4 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 12 February :: 6.42pm
:: Mood: loved

new background music in my journal. fall in love.
so i'm content. i have lotsa things to do but i dont seem to be getting much done. perhaps its because i'm getting caught up in valentines day celebration. i love giving love. i love feeling love. its just great.

im so excited!!

sigh. need to start doing madd (yeah danielle i said madd) research on my books. i havent even read them. it's gonna be a long weekend. but a good one.

nothing else to say but

i love you.

2 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

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