everyone we know is growing old

:: 2006 6 March :: 6.07am
:: Mood: lethargic

thanks, lauren, you're a sweetie.

all i really have to say is i hate men. i hate their minds. i hate how they 'fall in love,' i hate their stupid crushes, i hate how they treat me, i hate how i love them. it's so stupid. i hate it when they call me nice and sweet. i hate it ho wthey think i'm mean when i laugh all the time. i just hate them.

god.

yesterday was better, but the morning was utter hell. i couldn't stop shaking when i got to work.

'and i'd give up forever to touch you...'

love,
amelia

aerii

:: 2006 5 March :: 5.21pm

stab my back, it's better when i bleed for you

:: 2006 5 March :: 8.24am

I eat cookies in bed along with chocolate milk, stay up past my bedtime, watch too much tv, sleep in my clothes at times, straighten my hair, sleep in too long, wear baby blue pajamas, put on girl pants to wear around town along with a hoodie....
and these are all qualities of me "growing up".....? Hmm, growing up isn't so bad when you just have fun with it.

I think I'm gonna be able to go to the Fall Out Boy concert at the Tacoma dome! I think the All American Rejects are gonna be there too! It's gonna be fucking tight.

"Where is your boy tonight, I hope he is a gentlemen. Maybe he won't find out what I know, you were the last good thing about this part of town"

Missing the infatuation of my bleeding heart,
Jeremiah

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 5 March :: 8.11am

why can't i just fucking cut my throat and die?

god fucking damn it.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 5 March :: 7.14am

i hate how they want me to talk about it... i hate how i think i might have a mental disease... i don't think my mind is healthy. i have a problem, but i don't want help. maybe it will kill me.

but it becomes more apparent every day. it is becoming incredibly pronounced in my own mind. but i don't know what it is... because it isn't what 'depression' is. it isn't exactly panic attacks... it's hardcore mood swings... like i have two personalities, but it isn't schizophrenia. i don't know what it could be...

maybe it's just bein a teenager who sucks at a lot of things, but is okay at other things...

maybe it's just all this guilt i have because the things i do/have done are unjustifiable so it is eating away at me.

or maybe it's just all of the backstreet boys i've been listening to lately. i suck.

i don't know how i'll make it when i'm by myself in seattle. if i ever get accepted. i don't know what will happen if i don't...

'when you love somebody... but it goes to waste...'

love,
amelia

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 4 March :: 7.03am

so, in the past three days... my panic/being scared shitless/jumpy attacks have gotten worse... along with my mood swings and my self-worth swings... i'm just a huge wreck.

too bad i'm too much of a chicken to end it all and just give up while i'm ahead. i'm really not worth it, even if people say i am. i just don't see it, but maybe my life has only been negatively impacted by me being in it. i guess it would be different for other people...

last night i was fine. no one hit on me, i didn't flirt, i just existed in a happy state. jimmy wants me to burn him some n*sync and i said i would. kevin didn't tease me like he normally does and i totally stocked the forks way too much. go passive agression! woo...

well, i'm worng, someone did flirt with me but i shut them down.

'because i love you... no..?'

love,
amleieaiefoaenapegneaowngaoirwga;origarg grr.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 2 March :: 9.52pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Our Lady Peace - Innocent

and all that matters...
so, yeah, i know i'm a fucking whore. i know it's fucking wrong.

but that's how i feel. like a monster, like a worthless insignificant person. it's how i felt before you because i don't know how to be happy without you. the only way i can feel worthwhile is by this - being a whore. so yeah. i know it's wrong and i'll fix it.

so i don't really know what to say. i'm sorry. i fucking suck and i really don't think i could ever love myself in any way besides the vain and disgusting. so i'm sorry if that's a disappointment. i'm sorry for being me, weak, pathetic, whoreish and everything i never ever wanted to be.

so i'll just stop. i really should have a long time ago. i don't know why i was designed this way. but whatever.

i saw your mom today jeremiah. i almost threw up.

so yeah. i'm so surprised that i'm still alive. i guess brooke was right, i must be strong to be able to not have died yet.

and to tell you the truth, i'm not leading him on, he doesn't think i'm leading him on and i have no intention of dragging this out any longer than it has to. i can fucking have friends.

so, good night. i really hope i don't wake up in the morning.

'you're always ahead of the game, while i drag behind...'

love,
amelia

:: 2006 1 March :: 11.25pm
:: Mood: frusterated
:: Music: The Music or the Misery, Fall Out Boy

Fuck man. No fucking considerations for me whatsoever. It's amazing. Heart tossed aside as fast as it was accepted. Talking to people for three fucking hours, psh, how much fucking shit was said that was positive about me. Bet nothing. Playing the flirt game now too, ONE week after. I can't believe it. I'm NOT happy, I'm NOT doing well.

you want apologies
girl, you might hold your breath
until your breathing stops forever, forever
the only thing you'll get
is this curse on your lips:
i hope they taste of me FOREVER

6 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 28 February :: 7.48pm
:: Mood: drained

beauty in the break down
so, i think i'm pretty much okay now... i don't feel so horrible. i'm getting ready to feel confident like i used to. i'm almost to the point where all the english assignment/in class writing opinion things don't dwell on the horrible aspects of how i feel and all that deep stuff that i think about when i'm sad.

i don't feel worthless to the extent i did. i don't feel useless or like i need someone there to force me to be a good person, i can do it by myself. i know i don't need anyone else for the most part. but i do need people ot help me move forward because that's how our lives are built.

i know i'm not pretending when i'm happy anymore. and i like that. now the only real problem is i have to work too much and i liked it better when i only worked friday through monday. not thursday through monday.

the human body is so... strange... and beatiful.

i'm sorry if i've been a shitty friend to anyone lately (especially jeremiah)... i'll do better now. i can't live like this forever. and i can't go back to the old way i was living.

so yeah, jeremiah... we're friends. friends...

i want to go to bed... damn it. i should read that fucking piece of crap.

'do you ever want to talk about this..?'

love,
nothing much to say.

p.s. i totally donated blood today because i'm awesome like that.

4 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 26 February :: 10.57am

just shoot me. i've already got myself in the foot a few times.

maybe people just shouldn't talk to me for a few days unless they want to be confused or hurt.

i'm not going to write anything for a few days.

see you [in hell]...
amelia

9 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 26 February :: 8.20am
:: Music: Jimmy Eat World - Hear You Me

the angels have died.
was i ever good enough...?
honestly i don't think i was.
i'm horrible and i need to be shot
in all my life i have never wanted this more
i don't want to be here
i just want to forget about this
i want to die
i want to leave
i don't want anything to do with this
i wish there was a huge distraction for me that happened at all times
i would never have to feel like this.
i wouldn't feel like a toy
a game
i would feel like me
happy, smart, pretty.
not ugly, stupid and incredibly ridculous.

last night a guy named dan hit on me and gave me his number after asking me to a movie.

god i hate my life.

'my pictures of you...'

your fucking toy,
amelia

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 25 February :: 10.26pm

i'm stupid.

just had to get that out.

8 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 25 February :: 7.13am

puppies, kittens, sunshine, spring time
ice cream, cake, candy, cookies
potatoes, macaroni and cheese, pockey, grill cheese
sun dogs, starry nights, friends, sleeping in
drawing, painting, performing, writing
dreaming, laughing, thinking, talking

i'm going insane... when i have time to myself... time to think... when i could think of all those things that make me happy, instead i think of what's wrong with me, why people don't like me, how i don't fit in and i can always be replaced. i know it's wrong to think like that, but it's so overwhelming that i can't not think of it... i'm just a game to all of them, and not very fun at that. i'm not important to them and i'll never be very important. i'm only important to a few people and that kills me... i'm selfish, i want to be important to the whole world.

i wish i wasn't such a baby. i wish i could just pick it up and move on. i've smiled a lot in the past few days... it feels like more than normal... and i don't know if it's forced or if it's an subconsicous reaction... i don't know...

so yeah... me and paul, we both have an overwhelming desire to die sometimes. but paul doesn't like me that much so we don't talk about it.

'one day... we have to let it go...'

love.amelia

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 24 February :: 10.24pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Frou Frou - Let Go

many tries...
my first day at Edo went really well. i was ignored for a large part of it, which was fine, i guess... i smiled like hell and i was visited by laurel and that one chick who i think is named danielle or something... which was really nice. and people are so much nicer upstairs than downstairs... but they expect you to just know what to do... which i don't.

I'm exhausted... I want to go to bed, but at the same time I don't because there is so much that I want to just get out, but haven't been able to because of my pride or because I was requested not to... And I haven't had a chance... I don't want to sit and be sad forever, but I want to be sad for a little bit without being comforted or anything like that...

But I hate love songs. They are my least favourite.

I'm glad my friends can distract me so well so I don't dwell on the bad things as much... I forgot it was pay day today... Silly me. So they brought me my check. I was a little late, but that didn't matter because I wasn't in the computer! hah.

I hate work because I'm not a slut or something... Whatever. I just hate feeling totally dispensible to everyone around me... I'm like a duck, only good for eating.

Maybe I'll go to bed... Maybe I won't... I don't know... I don't know anymore...

a lot of me just wants to die. but parts of me want to keep living... i don't want to abandon everyone.... but i don't want to live...

whatever. i'm too emo.

'my pants are black... like my soul...'

love,
helena

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 24 February :: 6.01am

god, my friends are great.

thank you, friends, for being here for me. i don't feel as dead anymore...

i still miss you...

'did you know i miss you? i miss you...'

love,
the broken

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 23 February :: 7.41am
:: Mood: sad....

"The Music Or The Misery"

I got my stitches stitched, I got my fixes fixed,
In my aching head, I got my kisses slit.
Our gossip lips stuttered every word I said, I said,
I got your love letters, corrected the grammar and sent them back.
It's true romance is dead, I shot it in the chest then in the head.

And if you wanna go down in history then I'm your prince,
Because they've got me in a band where I've never seen a heart I couldn't break.
It was never about the songs, it was competition.
Make the biggest scene, make the biggest...

Which came first, the music or the misery?
We're high-fashion, we're last chances.
Which came first, the music or the misery?
We're high-fashion, we're last chances.

I'm casualty-obsessed and I've forgiven death,
I am indifferent, yet (I am a total wreck)
I'm every cliche, but I simply do it best.

And if you wanna go down in history then I'm your prince,
Because they've got me in a band where I've never seen a heart I couldn't break.
It was never about the songs, it was competition,
Make the biggest scene, make the biggest...

Which came first, the music or the misery?
We're high-fashion, we're last chances.
Which came first, the music or the misery?
We're high-fashion, we're last chances.

(Go!)

I went to sleep a poet, and I woke up a fraud,
To calm your nerves I'm feeling for my clothes and the door.

Which came first, the music or the misery?
We're high-fashion, we're last chances.

Which came first, the music or the misery?
We're high-fashion, we're last chances.
Which came first, the music or the misery?
We're high-fashion, we're last chances.

"I would still give up my life, just to have it work out......"

7 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 23 February :: 5.50am

last night sucked. i can't sleep and i can't find any reason to get out of bed... i can't even look at me ceiling without crying...

i'm so weak... so pathetic... i don't want to be like this... everything about me is digusting right now... i feel so... detached...

i kept waking up, but my dreams were happy... at least, superficially happy... which is fine i guess... but my head hurts and i didn't know what i should do...

i still don't know what i should do...

i hate my life and i just want it to fucking end...

'i didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is i would still die for you...'

love,
amelia

p.s. if you still can't figure it out. we broke up... this is no more us, just me, just him... the end.

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 22 February :: 7.45pm

so thats the end of it...

i always imagined it to be different...

i guess i can work this weekend...

i won't lie... it hurts more this time...

i didn't want it to be like this...

but i'll be okay...

i love you so much sweetie... i'm going to miss you so much...

:: 2006 21 February :: 9.49pm

1. Honestly, are you happy right now?
Not really

2. Honestly, what color is your underwear?
Blue and ladybugs.

3. Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
Jeremiah and how he comes back soon and how I probably won't get to call him and how every song I heard was about him and how I want to be with him right now more than anyone else...

4. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
Listening to music, not doing my homework, wishing I could call Jeremiah.

5. Honestly, what did you do today?
I went to school and pretended to care about it, went to RPS and hung out with Brooke, hung out with AQ (who likes ketchup, like jeremiah which made me miss him more), worked, hung out with Shad, came home... didn't call jeremiah, missed jeremiah...

6. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
yes.

7. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
yes.

8. Honestly, do you watch disney channel?
no.

9. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
yes.

10. Honestly, what makes you happy?
being loved or having people praise me... being the best. being smart...

11. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
never

12. Honestly, what is your mood right now?
lonely, missing you... insignificant, worthless, small.

14. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
so badly it hurts.

15. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
no

16. Honestly, do you hate someone right now?
no

17. Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?
jeremiah, forever and ever.

18. Honestly, are you in denial?
no

20. Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now?
no, honestly i wouldn't.

21. Honestly, Have you ever consumed alcohol?
yes

22.Honestly, do you like someone?
yes

23. Honestly, does anyone like you?
very much so

24. Honestly, did you answer all these questions honestly
yup.

i'm sorry, sweetie. i love you so much and i'll make it up to you. i miss you so badly, i want it to be saturday so i can be with you...

'never knew i could feel like this...'

love,
amelia

p.s. i think kevin gets mad at me for 'not doing my work' except i always do my work and he never really is sure when i work so i think other people fuck things up and i get 'in trouble' for it. fuckers.

:: 2006 20 February :: 7.25am
:: Mood: cold!
:: Music: Papa Roach- Scars

I can't help you fix yourself,
but at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
And my weakness is
That I care too much

"And if you wanna go down in history, then I'm your prince"

"I'm every cliche, I simply do it best"

9 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 20 February :: 6.55am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: ferngully - a dream worth keeping

so, yeah, i'm not going to prom, but i still really want to buy a dress... and since i have a job that pays fairly well due to my constantly being there, i feel like i have the right to blow three-hundred dollars on a dress that i have no use for. i was SO jealous of those girl last year who were trying them on and SO not enjoying the fact that they were rich enough to have their parents buy them for them. i was all like 'fuck this, i'm totally going to get one of those and totally look fucking AWESOME and show them they suck.' but now that i think of it... i'd probably have the best dress at prom if i went... so i could show up chandlier. hehe the lilac princess nominee who's name i can't spell. so yeah, if i buy it i might have to go... or not... i want to go try on dresses... too bad brookelynn didn't do her homeowrk ealier so we could... i want to go with her.

brooke!! get your homework done right now so we can go look at dresses!

are places closed on president's day? or is it just an excuse to get away from school?

whatever.

'when you're feeling lost... i'll be your star...'

love,
amelia

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 19 February :: 5.37pm

I've been thinking a lot lately. A lot. And I think for the first time, I'm actually okay with things working out the way they are. I'm gonna be okay with the priorities over-ruling me. For the first time I'm actually at peace with myself and don't have any abberation on the thought of love. I think I can survive and not go into the abyss of depression and sorrow. Be on my own two legs, and let everybody else be on theirs. Just grant beingness, that's all I have to do.

Thank you for teaching me how to love

aerii

:: 2006 19 February :: 11.24am
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: the shins

one by one all day

"howdy, lem," my grandfather said with his eyes closed
wiping the eastbound dust from his sunburned brow
a life before doubt.

i smell the engine grease and mint the wind is blending
under the moan of rotting elm in the silo floor.

down a hill of pine tree quills we made our way
to the bottom and the ferns where thick moss grows
beside a stream.

under the rocks are snails and we can fill our pockets
and let them go one by one all day in a brand new place.

you were no ordinary drain on her defenses
and she was no ordinary girl
Oh, Inverted World
if every moment of our lives
were cradled softly in the hands of some strange and gentle child
i'd not roll my eyes so.

:: 2006 18 February :: 7.40pm
:: Music: Screeching Weasle - You Are My Sunshine

love is...
so today was pretty okay, despite that rough spot with jeremiah...

i got to see brookelynn, i got to read a book, i got to eat pockey, i got to go to work, i got to get tips, i got to eat food, i got to ride the bus with dale... it was a pretty good day....

the only really horrible part of my day was coming in to my house after work and having to smell those horrible boys. they are so digusting.

and i fixed my pants! <3

my hands are all dry and gross... ew.

i'm going to go read now, most likely. i have to shut myself away in this room, with the computer, so i don't know how much reading i'll do...

'what part of 'no' don't you understand..? i've told you before...'

love,
amelia

Namu	:: 2006 18 February :: 9.15am :: Mood: psh I dunno what to say....I really don't.....I'm hurt. 6 days.....no wait.....eternity i want to hear the stories of your love for me

5 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

:: 2006 17 February :: 8.56am
:: Mood: cold

i want to say something meaningful... but everything i could say i've said before... and everything i haven't said is trivial and pointless. so... i don't really know what to say...

i have peter pan syndrome really bad. like, really, really bad. i don't want to ever grow up, be old, or middle aged... i hate how people get when they grow up too much. and it's just so stupid to want to grow up because everything sucks when you get old. you worry about germs, disease, war, politics, children, global warming... but you don't care about sunny days, friends, friday nights, song lyrics, dancing, the park, the trees, the gentle wind, fresh air... you care about getting to work on time and whether your child will ever be good enough for you. you live through your child and put so much pressure on them that it's amazing they live to eighteen so you can kick them out because they haven't been everything you ever dreamed of. you worry about how you can ruin everyone's life and how you can make your neighbors jealous and how ugly you can make yourself look. like being old is supposed to be hideous to match the inside you've made for yourself... the joy is gone from most adults eyes. i don't feel like i'm strong enough to stay young at heart forever and i don't ever want to have to face that... and i already am... i have to grow up, be on my own for the most part... and i hate it. i don't want to be like everyone... i just want to stay a kid forever... i don't ever want to be a horrible adult who sucks.

i have a terrible time realizing when bad things are coming. i have the worst time believing it won't always be like this. i can't imagine what would happen when she leaves and i have only jeremiah there. i won't have a best friend anymore, only myself and my boyfriend... and then i will retreat into a shell and want to die because despite everything i'll hate the world more than i have in the past few weeks... i just don't want to have to say good bye... and you probably won't miss me all that much, but i don't know what i'm going to do... i don't know how to feel about this... i don't like it when my future is going to be different from my now, but i'm facing the same problem as the rexburg issue... that this future is never going to happen and i'll never have to live without you...

but neither of those things are my biggest fear... my biggest fear is being alone... though, there's nothing more that i've wanted recently than to be left all alone in a dark corner... i don't want to exist all the time... it's this burning desire to be abandoned even thought that's what i'm most afraid of... like i'm not worth the attention that is given to me so i just want to hide from it. i just want to be unimportant sometimes... like i used to be when life sucked and i wanted to die, but i didn't have to worry about making people happy, not even myself.... but now i have confidence, self-esteem, even love for who i am and how i look... but it feels so wrong sometimes... like i'm lying or like i'm pretending to like who i am...

i don't know.

i'll be done now.

'hey depressed emo kid, how was your valentine's day..?'

love,
amelia

:: 2006 17 February :: 7.25am

A - Available: Nope
A - Age: 17
A - Annoyance: Being told what to do. Not being the best.

B - Best Friends: Are a girl's best friend, fuck diamonds.
B - Boys: Are beautiful.
B - Bar: Examinations are for lawyers.

C - Crush: Jeremiah
C - Car: Two-door cute thing.
C - Cat: Mine sucks

D - Dead Pets Name: Little Kitty, Sarge, Piccasso
D - Dad's Name: Garth, or Nick, whichever.
D - Dog: Baci and Chica

E - Easiest person to talk to: myself
E - Eggs: they can hold tractors.
E - Email: can suck, but is amazing

F - Favourite Colors: green
F - Food: I can't pick just one!
F - Foreign Slang: i don't really know any.

G - Gummy Bears or Worms: worms
G - God: something people occupy their time with but don't care about.
G - Good Time: when i want to have it.

H - Hair Color: strawberry blonde
H - Height: 5'8" ish...
H - Happy: when life finally makes sense.

I - Ice Cream: i'd have to say tempura ice cream... or... any that i get in the summer with my lover.
I - Instrument: Zell
I - Idol: Jeremiah

J - Jewelery: is overrated.
J - Job: Wetzel's Pretzels
J - Joke: are ususally lost on me.

L - Longest Car Ride: round trip to yellowstone from spokane seeing all the sights... or to the Olympic National Rainforest... down the coast... it was magical.
L - Laughing: helps me feel less bad.
L- Last person you spoke to on the phone: my lover

M - Milk Flavor: regular
M - Mother's Name: Jo Anne
M - Movie Last Watched: Robot Carnival

N - Number of Siblings: 2
N - Northern or Southern: Northern
N - Name: Amelia Grace Helena Rose Bergh

O- One wish: happiness
O - One Phobia: being alone
O - Ogle: jeremiah's body.

P - Parents: love me.
P - Part of your appearance that you like best: everything.
P - Part of your Personality you like best: uhm... i don't know if i like any of my personality.

Q - Quote: because i love you, no?
Q - Question for the next person: do you love the life you've killed?
Q - Quick or Slow?: slow

R - Reason to smile: happiness
R - Reality TV Show: my own!
R - Right or Left: left

S - Song Last Heard: something corporate - konstantine
S - Season: spring
S - Sex: overrated and not vital to a healthy relationship.

T - Time you woke up: sixish.
T - Time Now: seven-thirtyish
T - Time for bed: when i get home

U- Unknown Fact about me: my dreams never have music.
U - Unicorns?: they are fake.
U - U smell: i smell... like nothing. white tea and ginger

V - Vegetable you hate: green peppers
V - Vegetable you love: broccoli
V - View on Politics: i don't pay much attention to politics

W- Worst Habits: indesicion, talking down on myself, self-esteem, flirting
W- What do you wanna be when you grow up: i have no idea
W- Where are you traveling to next? seattle damnit

X - X-Rays: of my kitty and my sister's brain
X - X-Rated Porn: digusting
X - XZIBIT: looks like a biscut

Y - Year you were born: 88
Y - Year it is now: graduation year
Y - Yellow: is the colour of the wall paper

Z - Zoo Animal: giraffes
Z - Zodiac: aries isn't me
Z - ZZZZ: what i want to do right now.

why is it so fucking cold?

sushi today! hanging out today! no work today! <3

'and you'll catch me in your living room...'

love,
amelia

p.s. i miss you in my living room.

:: 2006 16 February :: 5.51pm

i know i haven't really said much of anything important lately, but honestly there isn't anything important happening right now.

i'm scared that i won't get accepted into uw because my sat scores didn't get sent. if i don't get accepted i don't know what i'm going to do. i'll cry, first off and then i'll feel like a failure and that i suck and i'll try again next year.

i've been really 'emo' lately. i hate everything and i am sick of everyone. i don't know what's wrong with me, but i'm so full of angst.

and right now i don't know what to do or what i want or if i'm doing anything right. i'm afraid my grades will slip because i have a hard enough time going to school... i don't ever want to do my homework ever again for the fucking school that's shooting itself in the foot.

is this song about drugs? Read more..

yeah...

'why do you build me up buttercup..?'

love,
amelia