downhill days

totally stressed about pom and cheer and dance. i just want them all (plus exams) just over w/! i want everything over w/! im havin major anxiety problems again - im about ready to lose control! i mean, i already broke down talkin to my mom after pom practice.

its like there's no end. i mean, sure i just have 4 (easy) exams left, cheer tryouts thurs, yrbk due thurs, recital fri. then blink/green day concert w/ kath on saturday :). but then work starts up. and i am put through the hell of swimsuit season all over again. only this time its every single day, mandatory (unless i want to sweat to death and get even worse tan lines). seriously. i have no idea why i put myself through all this absolute hell.
why do i disregard myself like this? i mean, i stick w/ the things that seem to hurt me the most.

oh god, i feel like im gonna crash again! im typing a fuckin mile a minute. seriously! i had such a good day - i was all happy/hyper w/ yearbooks and everything. it was awesome. and i took a 2 hour nap and chatted w/ markie and everything was peachy. then i went to pom, nd then i came home and ate. and i want to stab myself. i hate myself so much! why does this always happen?! every night, every fucking single night, i always turn into this manic-depressic nutcase that just freaks out and goes crazy at how much i hate myself. what the hell is wrong w/ me?

i need to get out of this. i need to get a life - i need to *enjoy* something in life. but it doesnt happen. im so fucking losing it. im seriously on the verge of tears and hysteria and suicide and rage all at the same time. i just want everything to be perfect. PERFECT DAMMIT! but its not - just simply as fucking far away as possible! and it kills me. it eats away at me until im like this - no control.
i need to go like, i dont know.. i have no solution to the feeling i have right now. i cant go cry, bc that wont fix everything. i cant call anyone bc i have no one to call. i cant punch a wall bc im a girl, and lets face it: id hurt myself more than i would the wall. i cant go run bc brians in the basement and its dark outside. i cant write bc im too upset - i only write when im depressed. so i have nothing. and ill probably go on spazzing out like this for the rest of the night and wake up exhausted.
just like every other night, only worse.

mle

alone - ?

i feel like i am. its one of those feeling that you know isnt true, but it is. i mean, i walk through the halls and lots of ppl say hi and i reply and get this big-ass smile on my face. its second nature - say hi and smile. thats how i am. i love smiling :) (lol you should see how many are in my emails..) w/o it id be long gone! i can smile even when im on the edge, and itll make me a little better. a smile is always there for me, unlike people.
people people people. cant live w/ em, cant live w/o em. love/hate relationship all the way! i mean, i push myself away, and then i want to cry every time i see a friend writing a note to someone except me or talk about a party i wasnt invited to or look at pictures im not in. selfish? sure you could say taht. but it hurts like hell. im caught between - i want to be loved more than anything. i just want people to like me for me, to care about me, to be there when i need them. but since they dont and they arent, i push them away as much as possible, swearing im better off this way. but then my social side reappears from childhood and begs for attention. and it circles around.

i need someone. all day i think about mark. hes the closest thing i have to someone anymore. even if he doesnt want to hear me, i still tell myself he does. i was so bummed he had to work today. i needed him. i needed someone to cry on.

well i have to go because my dad ahs something shoved up his ass..and im gonna go cry. im in the writing mood anyways. check back later for poems :)

mle

one week left

one week:
one full day,
two half days,
two three-hour days.

then school is over.

but then summer starts. and work. and shoot me now.

why do i put myself in all of these horrible situations where i *know* its gonna be torture and i *know* im just going to be hurt?
why would i want to lifeguard? why would i want to dance? to cheerlead? to be a gymnast?
why do i pick all the things i cant be, and try so hard to be something im not?
because i have no other options. i dont really like anything anymore. well, i do, i just cant do them. and im so hopeless right now. i just watched my dress rehearsal tape from earlier. shoot me in the face. it makes me realize how awful of a dancer i really am, especially in comparison to the damned company girls. i hate them all. why? jealousy. i know it, i admit it. i would do anything to be like them. but i cant, no matter how hard i try.

all i want is something i cant have.

and it makes me miserable. i really need to find something i really am good at, but ive done everything under the sun and havent found anything. softball, volleyball, piano, flute, guitar, soccer, cheer, gym, swim, dance, singing, acting, running, basketball, tennis. god, if you name it, 95% chance ive done it. seriously. but ive been rejected (or rejected myself) in every single one. and i have nothing left. i need something. anything. i have no confidence or anything. i have no reason to! there is *nothing* special about me.
im just me, and i hate me.

mle

right now i feel damn unpretty

so yea.. another night chillin @ home. i really wanted to go out tonight thoe. but my west friends have parties w/o me, and my dad wouldnt let me hang out w/ the christian kids for some reason. mark called like 10x and laura called from mitch's telling me to get my ass over there. but i couldnt. i was so upset. i needed to get out.
i even mentioned suicide... twice. to my mom. but she didnt listen.

i feel like a big blob. worthless, useless, lifeless. just nothing but a blob.

i have my dress rehearsals tomorrow (er, today). i dont wanna go. my solo dance's costume lets my gut hang out. its gross. and i feel so ashamed. so ashamed. so ashamed. i just wanna die. id do anything to drop 10 pounds in 13 hours...

*sigh* totally indescribable right now. tired. depressed. ugly. fat. lazy. worthless. untalented. unappreciated. just nothing.
i kinda wish id just disappear into nothing.

mle

so is this what it feels like to not get my way?

maybe im spoiled.
maybe im selfish.
or maybe its just a matter of all good moods/days must come to an end.

so the 2 leadership positions i want SO BADLY slip out of my hands. more like, are pried from my greedy little fingers. either way, it sucks. i wanted to be on principal advisory board SO bad. i wanted to be a class officer SO bad. and of course they both go to hell. i almost broke down in tears in the chem lab (i was finishing the test that took me over 2 whole class periods to do).

plus, cheer tryouts are thursday. and im gonna get cut. may not sound like a big deal, but at west, if you're cut from anything, you really sucked. most sports dont have cuts on any level. and im gonna get cut, just from watching the other girls at workshop on wed.

plus, i already missed dance tryouts for the team at my studio. well, it probably wouldve hurt my confidence even more (if thats possible) for me to have tried out because id get cut again (and they dont cut very many people either)
some of the company (team) girls did their little recidal dance and i was in awe. theres this little quirkish style they have that differenciates "company" from "recreational" (as toni referred to me - that still hurts me). and well, i dont have that extra little thing they do.
in other words, ill never be a real dancer.


there is one nice thing about all this though-- my away message was "i think im gonna cry..." and dave and keith made this little chat room called "whats wrong mle" and were all sweet about it. when i told em i was just chillin here tonight, they were all like "no way, we want you to come hang out w/ us, even if we dont have any real plans." that whole group of kids just seem so much nicer/happier than my friends @ west. but then again, everything seems peachy in the beginning.

i think im just a tad bitter over the fact that i was really optimistic the past few days, especially yesterday. and now its gone down the drain. i cant even begin to tell you how much im disappointed...

mle

hump day - time for some fun quizzes :)
See what Care Bear you are.

hmm that side of me hasnt been around much in the past few years.


Are you a ho? Find out @ She's Crafty

hehehe.... :)


What's Your Style? Find out @ She's Crafty


Who's Your Inner Music Industry Diva? Find out @ She's Crafty


Who's Your 80s Movie Icon Alter-Ego? Find out @ She's Crafty

i thought "girls just wanna have fun" was just a song. lol, which brings me to...


How dumb are you?

Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amazing, practical,
and always interesting.

someone who is constantly the center of attention,
but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head.

They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding,

someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

The Band Quiz By Rahel

lol i used to play that... and im a cheerleader... hmmm.. :)


Which My So-Called Life Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

how about instead of being him, can i have him?


What's Your Sexual MO? Find out @ She's Crafty


Would you survive a horror movie? Find out @ She's Crafty

go ahead. do it.

nothing new
conmigo nada es facil
*with me nothing is easy*
(shakira - inevitable)

i dont really have much to say. just chillin. a little depressed, but nothin major.

so ive been trying to figure this out: i like listening to people\'s problems and knowing their story and everything, but i hate it when they bitch and go on and on and over exagerate (or under exagerate, for that matter).
the thing is: the 2 go hand in hand when it comes to my friends. i mean, everyone has harships. everyone. but not everyone shares the burden, and not everyone bitches. there *is* a difference between getting help/talking and bitching. but idk how to get people to quit bitching, because its gona get ugly one of these times..

the world seems bigger than both of us
yet it seems so small when i begin to cry
it\'s all right, i\'m ok
i think god can explain
i beleive i\'m the same
i get carried away
(splender - i think god can explain)

eh, i think im gonna bust. im just drifting lately.

mle

its been a while..

since i posted in here.. its been a little rough around the home w/ me and dad. especially now that brian's moved back in -- for 2 years! i was loving being just me and mommy. but then again, brian works 1-9 every day, and dad's outta town, so i dont see either of them until the weekend. we'll see how things are w/ dad this weekend...

i dont really know what to say. i have to go to lifegaurd training in a few minutes. sigh - love/hate relationship w/ that. like, im *so* releived its easier (physically - technically its hard) than i thought it was gonna be, but the ever-present issues in me are just that: ever present. so being around skinny, tall, blonde college girls (damn cookie cutters - lol kathy) does NOT help me! not to mention there are some cute guys..b ut i dont deserve them

idk whats goin on right now. majorly lost/confused/alone. i just kinda talked to kathy yesterday and today (in notes - we're so gay) but i havent talked to mark in almost 2 weeks. we're not fighting, its jsut ive been in need of support and he doesnt want to be it. no one does. so i (kinda) manage on my own. we'll see how it goes.. i gotta go though...

mle

it didnt go through.. again! but this time i was prepared :)

i dont know what to say. i feel kinda poo-ey. i wrote kathy an email reexplaining what i meant (about my friends) in the last entry. i totally made myself sound better than them, when in all reality, im so much worse than them. i know that, but it just hurts me to admit it.
i know thats why its hard for me to get past some people's perfections (or imperfections, for that matter) -- its just so hard for me to realize that they really arent all theyre cracked up to be, and im just as good as them. i still dont beleive that to be true, but i lie to myself about everything else, i might as well add that to the list.

*sigh* i definately need to start up a journal again. (not online). i mean, i have this, and i have another one about stuff u guys (kathy, spud) dont want to hear about, but its not the same. seeing my own handwriting just makes all the difference in the world. like my poems -- they look foreign when i type them. dont ask why. thats just how it is.

is it just me, or do couple seem to bug singles? like, ther are so many cute couples at west, but i mean, it kinda hits a weak spot when i walk through the halls and see couple after couple all bein cute together and smiling. smiling. something i do a lot, but its just a momentary thing. i mean, i smile to everyone whose eye i catch. but its just me doing what i can. i mean, inside im like " ___(name)__ is soo skinny. i wish i were her" or "hes sooo cute, i wish hed talk to me" i know it totally sounds like im a loser, but man, thats what i am. a loser at heart. and ive gotten used to that, but that doesnt mean a girl cant dream does it? tonight, toni and amy (dance teachers) did this super-cool hip-hop thing to "son of a gun remix" and i was like "holy shit, i would KILL to be like that!" toni is the best teacher/choreographer/dancer ever. im dead serious. ive never seen anyone dance like her. shes the head teacher of the company. sure, its stressful and tiring, but still.. shes so successful. and sweet and a cutie. i love her! i want to be like that. i keep telling my mom how much i want to be on a dance team in college (msu motion is my biggest dream, but itll never happen). but the first thing id have to tackle is the height/weight thing. i dont think my height is a prob (5'2" :) i love bein short) but bc im so damned little, id have to weigh like 100lbs. um, ok, w/ my body type, thatd be HARD to get down that low, and id have to lose serious weight. try like 40lbs. yes. i am a cow, i know -- i pry weigh more than 1/2 the guys in my grad (and im a foot shorter) oh well. what can i say? im fat and ive been called it plenty of times, so please dont add to the collection.
for a little bit today, i was like "weight, smeight - who cares? i dont look THAT bad in clothes. so its ok" but that didnt last long. :) lol then i went back to my normal self -- "GROSS! u do NOT need any more insulation for winter, hun. u need to lose the ho-ho's" (totally jk, theyre gross, just fun to talk about ;)lol) but still. ah! if i thought itd work, i would seriously perform my own little lyposuction and just take a knife and cut off all the fat on my body. i would in a heartbeat! but i dont really feel like bleeding to death, so i guess that one's out.
hmm so i think i may have crossed the line of what i say in this journal and what i dont. sorry. i dont want to offend/worry/upset you guys. go on living ur lives! :) im fine, so dont think about it.

maybe i should go.. run my ass off for a few hours (lol i wish thats all it took) nitey nite. time to go read old journals (idk y, it just sounds like fun. maybe then i was happy)

mle

omg, if this thing fucks up another one of my long entries....
there are many things
that i would like to say to you
but i dont know how
(oasis - wonderwall)

*sigh* lets see, can i retrace ALL that i just typed? i dont know, but i guess i might as well try...

so i decided taht i need to do something about my friends. they bring me down. dont get me wrong, i love them (specially you, kath!) but its so hard. theres just something about them thats so upsetting. im either so bummed that theyre being antisocial and close-minded, or im worried that theyre gonna drink themselves to death or someother form of suicide, or im brought down by their constant negativity and pessimism. its not all their fault, i mean, i do the same exact things. but i think theyre just kinda a bad influence on me. they make me everything i dont want to be.

i beleive you are the company you keep
--the chick on the real world

and that rings in my mind. do i want to be some bitchy, self-centered, negative, slacking, judgemental (sometimes), depressed, overexaggerating teenager? not realy. but thats how i am right now. and i truly beleive its @ least partly due to my friends. they kind of encourage those traits w/in me. and thats not good.
they never used to. it used to just be that i felt understood by them because we shared those quirks (specially the depression) now its a downfall. i need to surround myself w/ people who i want to turn into. or maybe we just all need a break from each other in order to refresh ourselves and refocus on who/what we want to be.
all i know, is i dont want to be what i am right now. and i somehow need to find a way around the path ive taken. therefore, ive pulled away from them in a way. just to test it. we'll see what tomorrow brings...

if im leaving w/ a broken heart
you're leaving w/ a bleedin nose
this is the last time you'll see me
(jettingham - cheating)

so i had a nice little chat w/ daddy in the car today. all about school. i was bawling -- i couldnt stop crying! school is such a touchy topic. i mean, my cousin asked me what i wanted to do w/ college and i couldnt really answer him - i had to bite my lip in order to keep myself from crying! thats not normal! but thats how i feel. totally stressed and disappointed and anxious and depressed. over anything school-related. i mean, here i sit, a little before 11pm w/ 6 classes worth of homework not done. and this is the norm. but im such a perfectionist, and the cycle is completely vicious. im on the verge of a breakdown just thinking about it. and tomorrow. and the hell... god, i need out.
its so unbeleivably hard to be in honors classes. i mean, im w/ the top kids. the "cool kids". the beautiful people. the artists/band fags. the all-american, loved-by-everyone people. the all-city athletes. the geniuses. and im nothing. none of that! and it kills me - partly jealousy, partly because i just simply dont measure up, and i never will. i used to. i used to have it all. back in 6th grade, man i was riding high - athlete, smart, popular, musically inclined, award-winning writer. everything! and i was a cutie! now i have none of taht. i mean, im not even smart anymore! its crazy. i dont know where it all went. down the hole -- to depression?? who knows. but its not here anymore. and i wish more than anything that i could jsut relive my life. redo everything i fucked up (which is A LOT) i mean, i would live my life 100% differently if i would have known 1/2 the things i know now. i wouldnt have lost everything...

me and my dad's relationship sucks. love-hate. he was soo nice for a little while today. like, i sat on his lap and cried @ my grandparent's house. just cried into his shoulder like i used to. and our talk and everything... but then like 20 minutes later, we were at each other's throats! i mean, just like, vicious as all hell, like normal. i cant stand it! why cant we either just be one way or the other?
and of course, he tried to tell me that i wasnt "nothing" like i said i was, that i was just a good as the next person. but i know better. i know the truth.

i dont need you to be by my side
tell me that everything's all right
just wanted you to tell me the truth
you know id do that for you...
is it me? is it you?
nothing that i could do
(hoobastank - running away)

god, theres so much more i could say.. even after i had to retype this thing (grr...) but yea. im gonna leave. i have *so* much shit to do, and the rents wont give me any sympathy, what-so-ever. *sigh* sometimes i dont even know why i bother w/ life. im really feelin down.

mle

i love the feeling of being sick...

so i talked to mrs black (school guidance counselor). i havent talked to her in a long time. its kinda weird w/ her because she talks so much. its cool b/c her sister was bulimic for 7 years, so she has an idea, and it also cuts down on the awkwardness of the situation, but its hard to tell her everything i want/need to. i cant stray too far away from the usual w/ her. i cant tell her of the scatterbrained chaos flickering around in my mind, or the crazy things i make myself believe.

well excuse me
did i mistake you for someone else?
somebody who gave a damn
somebody more like myself
(jewel - foolish games)

i volunteered at the river bank run this morning. cold and long, but totally worth it. there were like 10 wheelchair racers. omg, i totally admire them! then again, i admire everyone who was in the race. my god -- 16 miles is a long race. it also made me jealous..
but i was so damned proud of doreen and my cousin heather. i was so excited when i saw them run through my aid station (13 mile-marker -- the hardest part)

ive been thinkin about so much lately, but i think im gonna leave now before i get all into it and bore/confuse the shit outta you guys :)

im not tryin to bring you down
i just want you to see
what is happening to me
(left front tire - bring you down)

mle

*sigh*
i need to get away from this computer and get a life!

so ONCE AGAIN, i typed huge thing and it didnt go through. i think it happens when i take too long because im doing other things too. meh, oh well i guess.

so today was just blah. it made me feel so absolutely ashamed to be me. im so lazy and stereotypical of overweight people. omg, its torture. but then i slept, and that was nice. and a talk w/ dad. not a good one. poo. and i sat online, away bc "where are you when i need you?" mark was gone to something @ school. kathy was workin on that stupid spanish project. but why does it hurt me so bad that they're busy when i know i shouldnt be talking about stuff to them anyways?
carrie tried to get me to talk to her, but its hard. i dont know all shes gone through, but still -- im almost 100% certain she doesnt know enough to help me w/ my eating disorders. and im just a tad scared that her mouth might release one of my most dear "secrets". actually, a lot of people have forgotten about it, i think at least.
oh, and kathy, about purging -- um, im still doing it, just a lot less (1x week?) i think im just kinda like "whats the point in telling people how i feel? they dont understand and its not like i want help. i'll just be misunderstood and possibly lose friends." so thats my stance. thats why im so mum about a topic that taunts me so bad.

lately ive been in the mood to just pull some kind of stunt to get the attention i need/want. i feel like everyone has forgotten about me except for kathy and mark, and mark's sick of it, and kathy seems distant (or maybe im distant). and my parents just seem stressed, oblvious to the absolutely torturous thrasing im living through lately. its like, i want to take a whole bottle of asprin, but just 2 or 3 short of killing myself. just enough to get somewhere where i *have* to get help. sounds really bad, i know. thats why i havent done it.
kathy, when you were in the hospital back in january... the entire time you were in the van andel institute, i wished it were me.

mark has been all over my case about gettin my parents involved again. ive pictured what i want, over and over in my mind: right before i leave for school, ill be sitting by the island in the kitchen w/ mi madre, drinking water, and just totally break down in tears. "i really need help, mom." and then ill get sent away some inpatient place for a few days, get away from everything, get the help/attention i need, and come back all ok and ready to take on everything like i could when i was younger and oblivious/naive.
but i cant bring myself to get to that point. i mean, i had a huge talk w/ dad about school and why i cant focus or do homework or anything. i had like 80 chances to tell him i need help, but i just couldnt spit it out. i dont know why? why am i scared?
because i dont want to answer their questions.

one of my good friends shared the fact that they have been serious about suicide lately. its a sobering thought-- being on the flip side of suicide. ive been here before, but its still nice to have this opprotunity to realize the fear, worry, hurt that comes w/ being the friend of a suicidal.
it totally reaffirms my belief in the fact that suicide is not an option. i thought i had lost that moral, but now its back, hopefully for good. i never ever ever want to leave behind that complete chaos of shock, regret, confusion that would take the place of my body. and i never hope anyone else i love will do it either. but i cant control that.

as twisted as it sounds, i want to thank my friend for reopening my eyes to the fact that no matter how shitty life is, its all in the mind. as laura always told me, i have the power to make me better or worse. no matter what, no counselor or medicine can make me better unless *my mind* decides im going to get better. its all a state of mind, sometimes we jsut need some help.

god, please give me strength.

mle

i hate the world and every thing/one in it

ive been messing with the devil way too long...
lets leave, oh lets get away
get lost in fields of time
where there's no reason left to hide
no reason to hide
(creed - hide)

that sounds so nice. just to get away from this hell for a while. take a little vacation away from life...

so markie gave up on me. totaly inevitable, but i was hoping this time would be different. instead, i feel like im right back where i started 2 years ago: lost, scared, misunderstood and alone.
alone.
no one's there. no matter how badly i wish they were..

a poem i found online that i liked:

Excuse Me While I Die
By: HunnieB21

sorry to disturb you
i want to say goodbye
i shouldve known not to,
you dont care.
goodbye to you
goodbye to all
sorry to disturb you
but this is my final fall

tahts pretty much how i feel. not really the suicide part (although that does sound nice) more so the fact that no one pays attention to me or cares about me.
do i care? no.
am i hurt? more than you'd imagaine.
fuck people. they just assist me in digging my own grave.

so dig, bitch, dig. and i hope you burn along with me.

mle

yup -- i just wrote another huge entry that didnt go through

i cant keep it all together
in the silent song that is your maddness
there's a truth i cant erase
(third eye blind - god of wine)

the truth? im trapped by the 2 worst things in the world: loneliness and obesity. every moment they suffocate me more than the previous, wrapping their bony little hands around my neck.

if you're hurt
why dont you tell someone?
(silverchair - shade)

because telling someone only wastes a breath. and when you're down to one last breath, that breath could mean a saving grace or a long-awaited escape.

it seems i found the road to nowhere
and im trying to escape...
but im down to one last breath
and with it let me say:
hold me now
im 6 feet from the edge
and im thinking maybe 6 feet aint so far down
(creed - one last breath)

woke up tonight and no one's here w/ me

im dying tonight - im giving in to you
watch me crumble - im giving in to you
im crying tonight - im giving in to you..
(adema - giving in)

mle